“No,” I said quickly. “I don’t want you mixed up in this.”
“But…”
“No! I don’t even know what I’m feeling right now. I don’t know what I’ll do. I have so much to think about.”
“Harper…you’re hurting. I can try to fix this.”
I stood, desperate.
“I need you to promise me you won’t do anything. Neither of you. Promise. I am where I am because you made a decision for me without my permission way back when I was a child. You may not have realized it, but you were controlling my life instead of letting it belong to me.”
I had stopped being merciful, and for a moment, they didn’t know how to respond. But it didn’t matter. I’d had to break myself into pieces and sift through the shards to find the strength to defend myself. And I wasn’t ready to relapse. I had to live for me now.
“You’re right,” Hayley admitted. “We promise you we won’t do or say anything.”
“Thanks.”
“What are you going to do, then?” asked Scott, who had been quiet the whole time.
I had to think about it. I took a sip of wine, swirled my glass, stared into it. All I knew was that I’d been living in hell for months now, ignoring myself until I’d stopped being who I really was. I had sacrificed so much—and for nothing. I’d been chasing a mirage, unable to understand that you can’t force love, and you can’t win it like some employee-of-the-month award. Not even if it’s your father’s love you’re after. Love is something that’s born in the heart. Your bloodline, your DNA have nothing to do with it. It’s impulsive, illogical, visceral.
And sometimes it’s just not there.
I felt the world falling away around me.
I’d lost what my grandmother had left me; I’d lost the dream of writing. I’d lost Trey. And I had no way of getting them back. Maybe I should just take the money I’d made from the sale and start over somewhere, I thought. Give myself the chance to finally get to know myself and find acceptance and recognition.
Hayley walked out and soon came back with a cream-colored envelope, offering it to me with her hand outstretched and reminding me that she’d told me in the cemetery that she had something for me. I put my glass down and accepted it.
“What is it?” I asked, sitting back down.
“Grandma gave it to me when she got sick. She told me Mom had left it for you, but I should only give it to you if you one day found out the truth.”
I opened it and took it out carefully, scared of what it might contain. It was a letter. Handwritten. Beginning with the wordsDear Harper.
I’m writing this letter for you with the deepest wish that you’ll never, ever have to read it. If you do, it means he wasn’t brave enough, and he couldn’t manage to appreciate what we made together.
Honey, whatever your father tells you, it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter how he makes you feel. Nothing is your fault. For six years now, I’ve been trying to get him to fathom it, to see things from my point of view, to understand me. But I’ve failed.
Sometimes grown-ups are scared, honey. We’re scared of being alone, of suffering and not knowing what to do with all our suffering. We’re scared of losing what we love, and that makes it impossible to enjoy the moment or create memories we can take solace in when the future comes. Fear makes us sad and selfish; it blinds us to the beautiful things life gives us. That’s your father’sproblem: he’s scared, and he pretends to be angry with you.
That’s right, my darling. I said he’s pretending.
The person he actually blames for all this is me. But he’s never been brave enough to admit it. Maybe because I was already dying then and a part of him was ashamed to hate his wife when things were nearly over for her. Or maybe because he needs someone to be the target of his bitterness when I’m not there.
Whatever it is, you’ve never been responsible for our problems. You have to believe that.
I’m sorry I forced you into this battle. Maybe it was selfish to bring you into the world and then abandon you so soon afterward. But ever since I first heard your heartbeat at the hospital, I couldn’t imagine the universe without you in it.
I regret nothing. I could never have not had you. Just one look at you tells me I did the right thing.
I know I’m leaving you in good hands. Your brother and sister love you, and they’ll always protect you. You’ll take care of each other, because that’s what family does. I wish I could be with you to watch you grow up and grow wiser. I wish I could give you the same advice your grandmother gave me.
Try to find a balance between your head and your heart. Don’t take life too seriously. If you don’t know which path to choose, always go for the one that makes you smile. Laugh at yourself, and remember that the only person whose opinion matters is the one who looks back at you in the mirror. Fight for what you believe in, don’t break, don’t bend, and never regret anything. If you don’t like something, change it. If you’ve made a mistake, fix it. If you love, show it.
The only thing worth regretting is not saying or doing what you feel. Sometimes, life gives you a chance to change your destiny, and you can’t let it pass.
Don’t let anyone get you down. Swim against the current if you have to, but don’t stop moving forward.
