“What about you, though, Harper? You were the youngest one, the most sensitive, the most vulnerable, and you didn’t have a mother or a father. Even Grandma couldn’t see us as much as she’d like.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t you dare tell us you’re sorry again. You didn’t do anything,” Hoyt reminded me. “You should have come to us and told us what was going on before you made a decision. Not just about Dad, about everything. And everything includes…”
“Hoyt, drop the thing with Trey, okay?” Hayley said. Hoyt scowled at her and murmured something I didn’t hear.
“Fine, I’ll do it,” I said. “I’ll tell you everything this time. The whole truth.”
Hayley came close and hugged me. I leaned against her and closed my eyes, trying not to cry again.
“How about we go to my place and order some food?” she said. “We can talk there. Anyway…” She parted my hair to look me in the eyes. “I have something for you.”
“What?”
“You’ll see.”
31
The Letter
Hayley lived in a nice apartment close to Notre-Dame Cathedral. Hoyt drove us there in his Jeep. The whole time, I stared out the window, feeling my life was about to change again and uncertain whether I could take it. I was tired mentally, physically, and spiritually and wasn’t sure where I’d find the energy to go on.
At one minute, I felt everything with profound intensity, and at the next, I was utterly indifferent, as though there had been a short-circuit in my brain and all the wires were melting together.
I knew they were both looking at me. I knew they were both worried. I tried to smile, to say something that could wipe that maudlin expression off their faces, but I couldn’t. For the first time in my life, I had stopped pretending everything was all right. Because it wasn’t. Not at all.
Outside, people were strolling on the streets, in the parks, on patios, enjoying the sun that was getting brighter and hotter by the minute.
I closed my eyes. It was stupid, but I missed my life in Toronto, so simple, so uncomplicated. Studying, going to class, going to work at the publisher, surrounded by people who made me feel part of something. But what I missed the most was Petit Prince. There, Ihad felt at home. I missed Adele, Sid, Ridge…all of them. I hadn’t heard from them, I hadn’t even tried to get in touch, not a postcard, not even a text just to see if everyone was all right.
Consciously or unconsciously, I always pushed everyone away. That was the reality.
Scott was sitting on the sofa watching tennis when we went inside. He waved, distracted, and said, “Everything okay? You’re all looking a little rough.”
“Everything’s fine,” Hayley said, bending over to give him a kiss. “Sweetie, can you order us some Japanese food from the place on the corner? And maybe open that Chardonnay we brought back from that little village in Provence?”
Scott seemed confused, but he duly stood up and vanished into the kitchen while I settled down on the couch. Hoyt took the recliner next to me, and Hayley, after turning down the TV, sat across from me on the coffee table.
Unable to contain myself, I burst out with, “Can you imagine what my life has been like, lugging around that secret? Every day, I used to ask myself why my father hated me, and I tried every way I knew how to get him to love me. I didn’t understand what you two had that I didn’t, and I envied you, and I used to wish I could just stop caring about you and all you had. I only truly felt good when I was with Grandma and Frances and I could pretend they were my only real family.”
I could see my words hurt my sister as she hid her face in her hands and sighed. It wasn’t fair, blaming them. They were two more victims. At ten years old, they’d had to take responsibility for me and for a secret too heavy for two children to bear.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered.
“It’s fine. It’s normal for you to feel that way.”
“If I’d only known…”
“If you’d known, instead of just asking yourself, you’d have been certain he hated you and why. I don’t know which is worse. But Harper, we promised,” Hayley pleaded. “We all promised her. It was her last wish.”
There was nothing else to say. In their place, I was sure I’d have done the same. Scott came back with the four glasses and the wine, served us, and sat beside Hayley, putting an arm around her.
“Well, now that we’ve cleared that up, let’s get to the other thing. How in the hell did you end up with Trey, and why did neither of you tell me anything?” Hoyt asked.
“Did you just say Trey? Trey and Harper?” Scott butted in.
I looked around at all of them. Why did they find it so strange? It almost offended me. Oh well. This was the moment to clear everything up and tell the truth.
