He went on, “My grandfather says a brave person is scared of his enemy, but a coward is scared of his own fear.”
His grandfather had an answer for everything. I managed to look up and meet eyes with him. My hands were trembling. I felt sick, and the ticking of the clock was so loud I thought it would drive me mad.
“I can’t keep going with you, Trey. I need this to end.”
He paled before my eyes and looked up at the ceiling.
“Why?”
“Things have changed.”
“In two days?”
“Yes.”
The tears on my cheeks felt like drops of acid.
“Why?” he asked, his voice cracking. “And don’t answer with some stupid phrase everyone uses, like ‘It’s not you, it’s me.’ No bullshit. Tell me the truth.”
I nodded, fighting to keep my emotions under control—the very things I’d never managed to keep my grip on.
“Okay,” I whispered. “I know why my father never loved me. It was my fault my mother died. They found out she was sick as soon as she got pregnant with me. Everyone told her to abort so she could get the treatment she needed, but she refused. She decided to have me, and that’s why she died. My father can’t forgive me and I needhim to. I realize it might never happen. But if I try to be the person he wants me to be, maybe time will bring us a little bit closer. Do you understand?”
Trey sighed, struggling to get out from under the weight that was crushing him, and I felt even worse about myself, about him, about everything.
“No, I don’t understand. I don’t understand what the hell that has to do with us.” He got up off the sofa and started pacing back and forth. “I’m sorry you had to find that out. It’s tragic. If I try to put myself in your shoes, I can’t begin to imagine what you’re feeling. Your…your mother sacrificed herself for you, she took that decision because, evidently, you mattered more to her than anything. And then your father goes and blames you for her death. You should be grateful to your mother, and instead you think you owe him something? How do you expect me to understand that?”
He brought his hands to his head.
“Trey, it wasmyfault. She chose me. And because of me, Hoyt and Hayley grew up without a mother. Because of me, my father lost his wife…”
“Your fault? Harper, stop carrying the weight of the world for a minute and think about what you’re saying. You didn’t do anything. And even if you think you did, what does that have to do with us?”
“If I stay with you, I can never be the person my father wants me to be.”
“Are you listening to yourself? What about the person you are? The person you really are?”
“There’s no such thing as the person I really am. I’ve never really been anything.”
He sighed.
“That’s not true. You’re real. You’re someone who dreams of working in her grandmother’s bookstore and turning it into somewheremagical. The girl who wants to write books and make the world live through her stories. The girl who sees a future with me at her side. You can’t close your eyes to all that, Harper.”
“I have to, though. If I want my father to accept me, I have to make a break with everything.”
He shook his head. I could see he didn’t like where the conversation was going.
“How the hell do you think you’re going to get him to accept you?”
“I’ll work for his company, I’ll go back home, and I’ll live there. I’ll try to be more like Hayley…”
He looked at me as if he didn’t know me, and I could see it took superhuman strength for him to try to remain calm and patient.
“Fine. You’re making the worst mistake of your life, but fine. What about me, though? Why can’t we stay together?”
I was exhausted. Every ounce of my strength was gone. And each question he asked me pulled us further and further apart, and I was dying inside.
“Because you would be a constant reminder of everything that could have been, and I can’t take that. Every time I see you, I’ll think of how it’s felt being with you, and it will be torture, knowing I’ll never feel that way again. I need to start from zero, Trey. I need you to forget these weeks. Forget everything that’s happened between us. Just go back to that Halloween four years ago when we saw each other on the stairs. Let that be your last memory of me. I can’t go on seeing you.”
