“I’m not sure anymore if what I need and what I want are the same thing. I try to imagine another life, getting up in the morningsand going to the bookstore. I see myself putting books on the shelf, making recommendations, and writing my own stories.”
Hayley smiled.
“It sounds nice. You could become a famous writer, sell millions of books, and turn them into a series on Netflix. Or a movie! And Charlie Hunnam could be the main character in all of them.”
“Yeah…or maybe not. It’s hard. Only very few people make it to that level. Most are just scraping by.”
“You could also be happy with a more modest vision. I still remember you pounding on that old typewriter of Mom’s and repeating like a parrot that you would be a writer one day. You wanted it with all your heart.”
“I know, but I’ve grown, and I see things differently now.” I took a sip of wine and tried to smile. “If I compare that with what I have now, I feel like I’d be taking a step backwards. I’ve struggled to make it to where I am now, Hayley. And if I keep going, I can do big things. In a few years, I could be working for one of the most important publishers in the world. If I’m lucky, I could really be someone.”
“You’ve never cared about a degree or a fancy job, though. You always appreciated less superficial things.”
“And I still do. It’s just that…” I closed my eyes a moment. “I think this is a big opportunity, the kind that only comes along once in a lifetime and that you have to grab hold of. I want to show I can be the best.”
“If you’re so certain, then what’s the worry?”
Good question. I was convinced I had some kind of syndrome that kept me from being a determined, decisive, resolute person.
“I don’t know.”
“Maybe it’s because of Dad?”
I clenched my teeth.
“I’ve been making my own decisions without thinking of Dad for a long time.”
“We both know you care what he thinks, though.”
I looked away.
“I really don’t care if it matters to him. I’ll never be the person he wants me to be. I could leave Toronto and come home, sell the bookstore, take a job in his company, and it still wouldn’t be enough for him. I could be the prime minister of Canada and it wouldn’t mean a thing to him. Because I’m the problem. I always have been.” I laughed mirthlessly. “What did I do, Hayley?”
I felt a tingle in my nose and had to blink to keep from crying. I was relieved when the waiter appeared with the pasta and saved me from breaking down. I could tell from Hayley’s stare that she understood.
“Honey, nothing, you did nothing. Dad’s a complicated man, and since he lost Mom…” She shook her head. “Listen, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. You’re obviously upset and confused. Just forget all the rest and think about you and where you see yourself in ten or twenty years.”
It seemed simple when she put it like that. But it wasn’t.
“I don’t know, though. That’s the problem. I don’t know what I want and I don’t know where I see myself years from now. I thought I did, but now I don’t!”
I was frustrated.
“You think about things too much and you end up complicating matters for yourself, Harper. A coin only has two sides, and most questions are the same way: is it yes, or is it no?”
Hayley was my opposite, and I envied her for it. She was practical, methodical, and saw the whole world in primary colors. For me, there were infinite variations in tone, and they depended on the light, the shadows, the perspective… For Hayley, blue was blue. When Ilooked, I saw ice blue, grayish blue, indigo, turquoise…and in all those possibilities, I got lost.
When I pursed my lips, she set her fork down on her plate.
“Deep down, you do know. You know what you want, but you also know you’ll be disappointing someone who matters to you: Grandma, Dad, your teachers, the editor you work for… Whatever you decide, someone will end up angry with you.”
She rolled up some spaghetti and brought it to her mouth. I knew she was right, but no matter how deep inside myself I dug, I didn’t manage to feel anything that would tell me what path to take.
“Hayley, I don’t know, I swear. I don’t know what to do.”
“Well, fortunately you don’t have to decide tonight. All you have to do is get drunk with your big sister.”
I grinned, happy the conversation had changed course. I adored Hayley. She knew me well enough to know when I needed a rest.
