It was nice to know he knew and still loved me, too.
‘How about us?’ Ava asked. ‘If I say I miss you and I’m sorry, are we good?’
‘No,’ I said. Her eyes went wide, and if I’m not mistaken, she looked hurt. I quickly added, ‘You don’t need to be sorry, I mean –I’msorry. I should have just listened and been there for you. You were right: I should have supported you from the beginning. It’s your life, and you know what’s best for you.’
She actually looked relieved. That was when I knew we’d be fine. It was exactly what she’d wanted to hear from me from the start. I should have known that she’d already done most of the thinking about her gap year for herself way before she’d even brought it up to me. That she knew it was what she wanted. It just kinda took a bit for me to get there.
‘If you want to talk, I’m ready to listen now. And fully support you.’
For a moment it looked like she didn’t want to say anything, and I couldn’t blame her. The last time she tried, I made it all about me and my worries for her future. But then she seemed to rethink and let out a sigh.
‘I’m just not sure I want to do something so significantly specialized anymore. Like, yeah, I love learning about the groundbreaking biomedical stuff, and the idea of creating something that could legit save lives in the future is a wonderful boost to my ego.’
‘Naturally.’
‘But I’m not sure I want that anymore.’
I nodded and started to think about how scary that must be. To rethink everything you thought you wanted. But also how freeing it is when you decide to change your path.
‘So was it the pregnancy scare that started you thinking this way?’
‘No. I’d thought it before, but it felt fleeting. Almost like I was just trying to save myself the embarrassment of getting rejected by Johns Hopkins by self-rejecting. The scare started to solidify things for me, though. I was looking into my options, and it’s so damn difficult to get an abortion in this country. And on top of that, health care and childcare are both fucked. So I started thinking about all the other ways the world needs to be bettered before 3D-printed human tissue or diagnostic nanotech can even be a realistic thing. Someone’s going to figure that out eventually – I just realized it doesn’t need to be me. I want to figure out another way to make the world better. And I don’t know what that is yet. But I know going to school and following my plan isn’t the way I want to do it.’
We were silent for a moment before I spoke.
‘Shit.’
‘What’s wrong?’ Her eyes darted to my hand like she thought something had happened to my injury.
I shook my head. ‘I really did just need to listen to you.’ She snorted at that. ‘I’m sorry I didn’t. And whatever you do, you’re going to kick ass.’
‘Thank you, Tommy. Totally forgiven.’
‘And for what it’s worth … You weren’t wrong. You told me to get my shit together before I got hurt.’
She rolled her eyes. ‘You’re far too literal.’
‘I miss you and I’m sorry.’
She kicked off her shoes and climbed up into the bed beside me, giving me a tight but gentle hug.
‘I miss you and I’m sorry, too.’ She kissed my cheek and I kissed hers. ‘When are you coming back to work?’
More bad news from the doctor. ‘Six months.’
Ava closed her eyes. ‘Shit, Tommy.’
‘Yeah. So much for getting some paid kitchen training time before college.’ Even if I was back in three months, it would be six to eight months before I got my full mobility back. If I got it back at all.
So now I’d have no kitchen time for my application, no letter of recommendation from one of Chef Louis’s former managers, and no supplemental video. Maybe an essay on my amputation would be enough to stand out. But what culinary school would offer admission to a clumsy student who had cut off his own fingers in a kitchen?
‘And of course …’ I said aloud to Ava. ‘Since I will no longer speak to Gabe nor ask him for any help, that means no more supplemental video for my application.’
‘Forget that bitch,’ Ava said. ‘I’ll help you do your video. I saw his little drawings on how it’s supposed to look. How hard could it be?’
I hugged her again. Iknewhow hard it would be, and I knew I’d never get it done in time. But I also knew it felt good to have my best friend back.
I wasn’t even in the ICU a whole week before Natalie came to visit. I saw the manila envelope in her hand and knew right away she wasn’t there to check up on me. In fact, she didn’t really waste any time. After she said hello, she took out a sheet of paper and put it on the rolly table my food usually went on.
