‘Are you?’ Dammit. I couldn’t just keep ignoring him, could I? No, I couldn’t. Because I deserved to know what was up. Why he was ignoring me.
But I knew why. It was Vic. I glanced at Gabe, and his face was red. I focused my attention back on the lemons. Thinking about them only. Slice one in half, then slice into thirds.
Slice. One-two-three. Into the chafing dish.
‘I know. It’s just complicated.’
I put the knife down. I didn’t want him scared when he heard how angry I was, and holding a super-sharp knife the size of a small machete might be intimidating.
‘No,’ I said, keeping my voice down. ‘It’s not that fucking complicated. You kissed me.Twice, by the way. And I know you told your boyfriendIkissedyou, even though the first time – when I, maybe, started it – you did kiss me back. The second time, though,youkissedme. And then you ignored me. So no. I get it. It’s not complicated. You’re a user.’
‘I did not use you.’
‘Then where the hell have you been?’
He opened his mouth to answer but looked behind me. I knew James was listening, but I didn’t care. ‘Can we go to the PDR?’
‘No. I have to finish my prep work.’ I went back to the lemons.
Gabe sighed and turned to leave the kitchen but came back. ‘No, you know what? Itiscomplicated. Because I do have a boyfriend and … I also like you.’
‘How good for you.’
‘Vic and I have history. He was – he was there for me when I was having a rough time, and sometimes, yeah, he can be a dick, but then other times he’s the sweetest, most charming person, and I remember why I fell in love with him to begin with.’
Love. Ow.I chopped the lemons a little bit faster, kind of wishing they were onions so I could cry and not have it look like I was sobbing over Gabe.
‘Did he end up giving you the soap dish you always wanted?’ I asked, venom in my voice.
He was quiet just long enough for me to know I had struck a nerve. ‘He was getting me a surprise. He and his friends all rented a place up in the Poconos. And he was going to have me come up and meet him, then surprise me with a ski day.’
‘I didn’t know you liked skiing.’
He was quiet again for a second. Another nerve struck? I paused with the knife above the skin of the lemon.
‘Didn’t you say he was already going away?’ I turned to see Gabe avoiding my gaze. ‘So he knew you were pissed and invited you on his friend trip. And what? Paid for your lift ticket? Did he even pay for that? Or ski rentals – no, you probably own skis already, even if you haven’t ever skied before. But how about food? Or booze? Or the cabin itself. Did he pay for all that, or was that another thing you paid for, and he suddenly didn’t care about not getting you a gift?’
Fury wiped the embarrassment from Gabe’s face, and I realized I was right. And I felt bad for him.
He pointed a finger at me. ‘Fine, be petty and pissed off if you want. I just came to say it was a mistake.’
‘Itwasa mistake,’ I said. I turned back to the lemons and kept cutting, talking in frustration as I chopped. ‘And youdiduse me. Even if you don’t realize it, I’ve had enough time over the pasttwo weeksof radio silence to figure it out. You called me to vent about your boyfriend, and I think even if I didn’t have a gift for you, you would have kissed me. Because you don’t know what you want. You think you want him, but he’s an asshole and you like being dumped on. Maybe you like me because I’m the nice guy who gives you the happy feelings while Vic is the asshole who makes you feel like dirt. ’Cause you think you deserve to feel like dirt.’
Ava had been right all along about him. I was holding this ideal in my head from when we were kids, but that Ideal Gabe wasn’t the Gabe before me now. The Gabe who I was in love with – because, yeah, I do think it was love, even though we were young –thatGabe wouldn’t have dated an asshole. That Gabe would have stood up for himself because he stood up for other people. This definitely wasn’t that Gabe. Tears stung my eyes. Maybe I could pretend lemons did that. Maybe no one else knew enough to know otherwise.
I glanced at Gabe, and his face was filled with sadness.
‘And you know what?’ I said, pouncing on his silence. ‘I’m glad you have someone like Vic to love, because if you really want to feel like garbage all the time, he’s perfect for you. And my solace can be knowing you feel like shit with your shitty boyfriend. But I’m not going to be used by you anymore. I don’t want to be your friend. I don’t want to kiss you. Now get out of my kitchen. I have prep work to finish.’
I chopped the last lemon wedge just as I said ‘finish’ – it was timed perfectly. But my hand also slipped, and as I felt the blade bite my skin I hissed, dropping the knife.
‘Ow! Shit.’ Then came the acid burn of the lemon juice. Oh,thatwas awful! Knife cuts always start with sharp pain, a quick wince, and then adrenaline numbing the pain. But the lemon juice added a whole other level of burning agony. But once I cleaned it, if it wasn’t too bad, in an hour I wouldn’t even notice. And hopefully I wouldn’t have to fill out an OSHA form.
I lifted my fingers to my mouth to suck the blood but stopped halfway. My hand was already red, blood spilling down my palm and wrist.
‘Holy shit,’ Gabe said.
‘Tommy.’ James’s voice was quiet, and he hadn’t used my stupid nickname.
