‘Sorry, are you okay?’ they asked. I knew that voice. ‘Oh, hey, Tommy.’
‘Brad, you just saved my fucking life.’ I may not have been in the mood to see Brad – or really any guy – right now, but if I did have to run into someone, his friendly face wasn’t a bad one to see.
Brad chuckled and helped steady me. ‘Well, I did almost end it, too. So … sorry about that.’
‘Why aren’t you inside?’ I asked. He pulled the hood of his sweatshirt down, and I could see his features in the dim light of the moon.
He shrugged. ‘I dunno. Why aren’t you?’
‘Because I’m leaving.’
‘Didn’t you just get here?’
‘I realized I’m not in the mood to party.’
Brad looked down at his feet and nudged the now-empty cup with one. ‘Me neither. Can I … ask you something?’
Before he could finish his sentence, I shook my head. Making out with Brad might seem like a good idea, but it wasn’t. Yes, it worked in the moment, but I immediately went back to pining for Gabe. Because Brad wasn’t emotionally available. Gabe at least had told me he liked me, despite not being available. Brad had never really said those words to me. He was a closeted boy who wasn’t ready to come out yet. Which was fine. But Brad wasn’t out to any of his friends, either. Gabe was out, but he was in a relationship. There was some hope with Gabe. At least I’d thought there was.
‘Sorry,’ I said. ‘I’m not really in the mental place for a make-out session right now.’
Even in the dim light I could tell he was disappointed, which, yay me, I guess? But when he spoke, he didn’t sound disappointed. He sounded concerned.
‘What’s wrong?’
‘Trust me, you don’t want to know.’
‘I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t, Tommy.’
That was true, actually. Brad never really asked that much about me, but when he did – usually when we were alone and he was sober – he actually seemed interested. And I didn’t really have anyone else to talk to about it. Ava was clearly still pissed at me, and I couldn’t talk to my mom about it because I was still worried about coming out to her. Plus, Brad could absolutely relate to that part.
‘You’re sure?’ I asked.
Without a word – and without going inside to get another drink – he plopped down on the top step again. I paced back and forth as I explained everything to him, starting with meeting Gabe when we were kids and ending with him ghosting me after he kissed me. I also included the part about Ava and me getting into a fight. He listened, only stopping me to ask for clarification here and there.
Maybe that’s what Ava meant. All she needed was someone to listen to her and understand her pain. And support her. Shit. I really just played myself, didn’t I? But she was my friend. I wanted to help her. I also wanted to make sure she was happy with what she chose to do, which, of course she would know better than me what would make her happy.
Brad sat on the front steps the whole time, listening to me. After I was done, he asked, ‘So what are you going to do?’ If I wasn’t mistaken, he seemed bummed. As if me talking about another guy made him jealous. Of Gabe. Not in a possessive way, but in a way that he wished he could have, maybe?
‘Nothing?’ What could I do? Go to Gabe’s house every day until he got home from his ski trip? First off, no. That would be beyond unhinged stalker behavior. Two, and risk Vic being there and seeing how upset I was? That would just give him more power.
I chuckled. ‘Maybe I’ll get lucky and he’ll just never come back to work. I can pretend he got eaten by a shark again. No, killed in an avalanche! I mean, I did it before, and it worked then.’
‘Mmm, yeah … totally.’ But he sounded skeptical.
I opened my mouth to ask what he meant by that, but shouts came from inside the house. ‘TEN! NINE! EIGHT!’
My phone confirmed it. 11:59. Brad turned and looked at the house.
‘SEVEN! SIX! FIVE!’
He looked back at me and said quietly, ‘Four … three …’ I joined. ‘Two … one.’
The shouts of ‘HAPPY NEW YEAR!’ and cheers inside broke our own silence once midnight hit. Was he going to kiss me? I wasn’t sure how I felt about that. He was still here; he didn’t leap up and run inside to find his friends or anything. He stayed put, with me. But also he’d stayed put while I had just spent the last forty-five minutes or so talking about why a kiss with another guy went wrong. Would he evenwantto kiss me?Iwouldn’t want to kiss me.
He stood and closed the distance between us.
But instead of kissing me, he wrapped his arms around me in a warm hug. ‘Happy New Year, Tommy.’
