‘And you’re funny, and I love it when you talk about food because I can see how passionate you are and it becomes infectious. And before I know it, you have me wanting to … I don’t know, fucking bake a cake or something. When I have no talent in the kitchenat all.’
‘There’s a difference between liking someone as a person and kissing them.’
‘I know that! I’m saying it was a mistake. But I’m allowed to be attracted to you and like who you are as a person and have a boyfriend who I also am very attracted to and like as a person. We’re human! We can’t just turn off our brains when we’re in a relationship.’
Jesus, all this was only making me feel worse. I also wasn’t so sure about that. If you liked the person you were with that much, wouldn’t your brain naturally keep you from developing those more-than-friends feelings for someone else?
‘You don’t need to turn off your brain, but one way to respect your relationship and the people around you is to actually talk about it.’
His shoulders slumped again, and when he spoke, he was very quiet. ‘I know. It’s just been … hard to do. Talking about it.’
‘Are you not out? It’s okay if you aren’t, and I understand why you’d want to keep it a secret. I mean, I’m out to my friends and at school, but I haven’t told my mom yet.’
‘No, it’s not that. I’m out. But it didn’t exactly go the best.’
My stomach clenched. Bad coming-out stories were exactly why I was scared to tell my mom. She was the only family I had left, and I didn’t want to lose her, too. But I had a grotesque need to know about Gabe’s experience. Like another mental layer of protection to help me prepare in case the same happened to me. I could see how he handled it and then come up with other methods to avoid the end result. Like watching a cooking fail video and seeing exactly the moment the fail started – then figuring out how to avoid that when I did it.
‘What happened?’ I asked.
‘I was dating someone before. Back when we were sophomores. His name was Quinn. It was a secret because neither of us was out, but we would go on dates and then pretend we weren’t in love when we were around other people. But we got outed. Remember my friend Kevin?’
‘Kevin outed you?’ I was outraged. But Gabe shook his head.
‘His brother did. I told Kevin, and his brother – he was a senior – overheard. So he waited a day or so, then asked to borrow my phone the next time I was at Kevin’s house. He screencapped Quinn’s and my texts and emailed them to himself. Printed them out. Posted them around the school.’
‘Are you just an asshole magnet?’
He threw his arms up. ‘I must have been a war criminal in a past life or some shit. Everyone at school was making fun of us. Quinn got attacked a few times. It was hell for a few weeks.’
‘Holy shit. I’m so sorry.’ I thought, once again, about the Gabe I knew before. The protective Gabe.That’swho Quinn would have known. I pictured Gabe putting on a brave face and walking through the hallways with his head held high, protecting his boyfriend. My heart warmed, but then I remembered that this was a story with an unhappy ending. ‘What happened?’
Sadness clouded his face again. ‘Quinn tried to kill himself. He failed, thankfully. His parents came home early, and right as they opened the door, he regretted it and ran to them and told them everything. They pulled him out of school and … slapped my parents with a lawsuit.’
‘What?’
‘Yeah. That’s how they outed me to my family. They said that I was emotionally manipulative in the texts and thatIwas the one who printed them out and posted them all over school. The texts were us kind of having a fight after I told Kevin. Quinn got pissed at me for telling, but I said I didn’t want to lie to my best friend, and I needed someone other than Quinn to talk to. His parents said that I was retaliating for him getting mad, and they sued my parents for the medical bills, his therapy, emotional trauma, and pain and suffering.’
‘That’s bullshit.’
‘Of course it’s bullshit. And if it had gone to trial, Quinn would have never let it go forward. I know he wouldn’t.’ But the look on Gabe’s face told me he wasn’t so sure. That it was more of a hope than knowing. ‘My parents settled out of court at the beginning of the summer, and that’s when they took away my college fund and said I couldn’t go to film school.’
I wanted to know why he hadn’t told me any of this before. I couldn’t believe it. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized he didn’t tell me because he was embarrassed. He was still upset from the whole thing.
‘What happened to Quinn?’ I asked.
He shrugged. ‘Part of the settlement was that I would have no contact with him ever again. I think my parents negotiated that portion. His parents put him in the CAPA school in the city, so he doesn’t go to Murphy anymore.’
‘I’m so sorry.’
Gabe shrugged, but his eyes were glassy, like he was about to cry. ‘So all of a sudden film studies became “that gay stuff”. So I stopped talking about it at home. They stopped mentioning anything to do with me being gay, and now it’s just this thing we pretend never happened. I think a small part of that silence carried over into … me and you, getting reacquainted. Because I’m just not used to talking about my boyfriend to anyone.’
‘But this is someone you met since Quinn?’ I just wanted to be sure. But I also didn’t want to ask the boyfriend’s name. I honestly just wasn’t ready for that.
‘I met him at the beginning of the summer. We clicked. He kind of understood what I was going through and it was nice to be able to talk to someone else about it. Someone who wasn’t Kevin. He means well, but he is still a Kevin.’
I laughed.
‘Can we … start over? As friends?’
