With Lori I started creating daydreams about our future. Going to prom together, graduating together, going to the same college or being the couple who long distance actually works for. But then of course she broke up with me and started going out with Mike King,so all those daydreams went kaput.
That’s where all this feels different. Things were still new with Heather when the superflu got her, and Jessica and I were kids practically pretending to be boyfriend/girlfriend. It felt temporary from the beginning.
With Andrew it doesn’t feel temporary. If someone put a gun to my head and said, “Imagine your future without him,” I don’t think it would be possible. I open my mouth, hoping the words might come, but they don’t.
“Look!” Andrew points ahead of us. “Tell me that isn’t a mirage.” I follow his finger across the blacktop; the edge of it looks wet and wobbles in the heat. I open my mouth to tell him, yes, it is a mirage, but stop.
Next to the road, the grass breaks and turns into water, then continues until it meets the horizon.
“Is that a river?” I ask.
“And it looks like a damn big one, too.”
“Go!”
Our walk turns into a sprint and I feel like our bodies are going to overheat, but we’re so close. Sweat burns my eyes; it runs down my back and my legs. The pack on my shoulders hits my back, making a wet smacking sound. We reach the road that bridges the water and jump over the guardrail into the high grass.
I throw the unloaded rifle—we still haven’t found a sporting goods store that hasn’t been picked over—and the pack off my shoulders, and take off my shoes one at a time, hopping as I do so. Leaving a trail of sweaty clothes in my wake, I shed every piece of clothing onmy body and run right into the water. My body shivers. The water isn’t anywhere near freezing but it’s a lot colder than the hot, thick air hanging above it. I dunk my head, letting the water cool me down, and feel rejuvenated.
Andrew and I swim around, then we move over to the muddy shore and sit up to our chests in the water. I realize it’s the first time we’ve ever actually been fully naked in front of each other. I avert my eyes and I notice he does the same. It’s like we’re trying to be respectful to one another, but I don’t know why.
I know why I do it; it kind of makes me nervous. But thinking about sex has always made me nervous. Maybe he’s worried I’ll feel weird.
“Have you ever seenStand by Me?” Andrew asks me, the opening inquiry of our game.
So clearly he’s not thinking much about sex right now. I have seen the movie, and I know where he’s going with it.
“Don’t ruin this for me,” I tell him, closing my eyes and letting my body move back into the cool mud.
“Do you regret coming down here yet?” Andrew asks.
“Not yet. But keep asking me and I will.”
He stops now, and we sit in silence. Then I hear it. It’s quick and faint but I think it’s there. I lift my head from the water, looking around. Andrew looks concerned.
“What is it?”
“Shh, listen.”
Silence; not even the trees are moving because the air is stagnant. Then I hear it again.
It’s a bird chirping.
I thought the flu wiped them all out, but maybe they’re like us. Maybe a couple of them were immune.
“No way.” Andrew stands up out of the water and I don’t look.
But I do want to.
“Do you see it?” I ask.
“No. Let’s go find it.”
I hold up my muddy hand. “I’m drawing a line. I followed you to Alexandria, I’m on board for Florida—”
He interrupts, “Florida was your idea!”
“But I am not going to follow you into the woods looking for a goddamn bird.”
