The thought brings bile to my throat. “No,” I say again, because that’s apparently all I can manage. The room is too hot, and the lights are hellfire bright, yellow and white suns that expand before my eyes. I take a second step back, then a third, bump into Rivon, don’t offer an apology. This has to be a dream, but I’m not dreaming. I’m—
What am I doing?
Running.
I turn to leave, but Rivon steps into my path, hands up, palms open. “Now, Keller, Nina has come a long—”
I clock him in the face.
He lets out a cry and stumbles backward. My head is spinning. All the air shears out of me. I hear my mother’s voice (that, too, is familiar: soft and soothing, almost musical) saying,Keller, please, but I’m already on my way out. I grip the door handle, yank hard—
It’s locked.
I rattle it harder.
Still locked.
Behind me, Nina is helping Rivon to his feet. “I’m fine,” Rivon tells her, but his eyes are streaming, and I can see the beginning of a bruise blooming around his jaw. He gives me a reproachful look. “Was that really necessary?”
“Let me out.”
“Keller,” Nina says. “Please, let’s talk.”
“Let. Me.Out.”
“I know we’ve taken you by surprise—”
“You tricked me,” I snap. My hand is at my hip, gripping empty air where there should be a gun. I need a weapon. I need to breathe. “You didn’t want an interview. You just wanted an excuse to get me alone.”
“Don’t blame Rudy,” Nina says. “It was my idea. I’m the one who wants to speak with you.”
“And you thought trapping me here was the best way to do it?”
“I had reason to believe you wouldn’t come willingly.”
“The reason being you’re a shit excuse for a human and I want nothing to do with you.”
She flinches but holds her ground. “You’re upset. That’s understandable. But you must believe me when I say I’ve only ever done what I thought was best for you. The circumstances have been… difficult. I know that. But I’m here now, and there are things you need to hear.”
“Fuck you.”
“Keller.” That’s Rivon again, massaging his jaw. “I know this is unexpected. And I’m sorry for lying to you. But your mother really has come a long way, and what she wants to say is important.”
“Yeah? And she couldn’t have said it any time in the last ten years?”
“The situation has changed,” Nina says. “I want to explain.”
“If you’re here to tell me you’re sorry or you’ve always loved me or any other bullshit, I’ll scream.”
Nina looks momentarily at a loss. Like shewasgoing to say those things. “If that’s what you want.”
“What I want.” I give a broken laugh. I don’t even know what to do with all this anger. All this pain. “What I want is to know why you abandoned—” I cut myself off. It’s too late for this. A decade too late. I don’t want to have this conversation, don’t want to hear anything she has to say. I take a breath. “I’m going to ask you one more time. Unlock this door, or I’ll break it down.”
“You want to know why I left you,” Nina prompts. Her eyes are imploring, her words hooking into my skin, dragging me back, leaving bloody marks. “How could a mother walk away from her only son? I’ve asked myself the same thing every day. Every single day, Keller. I didn’t want to do it. Leaving you was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.”
“So then”—and I hate myself a little, hate how weak my voice sounds, that she threw the bait and I’m fucking biting—“why did you?”
“Your fate was written.”
