His mouth parted beneath hers. She tasted him, tasted the liquor on his tongue. He slid one hand to her jaw, his fingers curling into her hair, his other hand going to her hip, pulling her down to him. The kiss was not gentle. It was hungry and eager and wanting. Venick drew back briefly to look at her, his seriousness, the question working its way into the space between his brows. “Are you sure—?”
She kissed him again. She felt the rough scratch of his stubble, felt fires light where his hands skimmed her skin. She pushed him against the sofa’s back, and his mouth landed on her neck, blazing a path.This,Ellina thought, but could think no further, because then Venick’s mouth was back on hers, and it was his tongue and his teeth and the way he smelled, his fingers sliding up her thighs, his thumbs digging into the creases of her hips, which was good, it wasgood,but also painfully far away from where she wanted his hands.
They had kissed before, but never like this. This kiss was a secret waiting to shake free. It was a hall of gemstones left for the taking.
And then, abruptly, it stopped. Venick broke away, pulling back. Ellina was startled to see that he looked unhappy.
“I’m sorry,” he said. They were both breathing heavily. “It’s just…” He gave a pained smile. “What were you doing before you came here?”
Ellina did not understand the question. A part of her—probably the same part of her that ached for his hands to keep going—reared its head in frustration. Why had he stopped to ask her this? What did it matter what she had been doing?
“Please,” he said.
So she made herself think. Before this, Ellina had been—what? Lying awake in bed. Ruminating about her past with a pillow pressed to her face so as not to see the shadows on the walls and imagine monsters.
Venick nodded as if she had spoken. “It’s just…I know that you have trouble sleeping. I know that you struggle with nightmares—visions, even—and that there are things you want to forget. And I can’t help but wonder…if you didn’t come here to forget them. It’s not that I mind,” he added quickly, sensing her dismay. “It’s not that I don’t want—” He stopped himself, struggling for words, before dropping his head and letting his thoughts come. “This means something to me. I need to know that it means something to you, too.”
It does,Ellina wanted to insist. She wanted to say the words in elvish, the echo of an old habit rooted in a time when the bounds of that language still held her to her truths. She wanted to mouth the words now, to do it in a way that would not seem like denial or defense.
Ellina kicked herself. If only she had written that letter after all, then she could hand it to him, show him that he had it wrong. And yet…what exactly would her letter have said? There would have been an apology, certainly. Ellina would have explained the events that had occurred in Evov, her sister’s threats, the reasons Ellina had convinced Venick to hate her. But had she planned to express more? Would she really have set her heart out for him, when he was engaged to another woman, and the Commander of an army primed for war, and Ellina was not even sure who she was anymore, and even if she had been, was not sure there was anything left of her to give?
Ellina dimmed. She understood why Venick had stopped their kiss.
Blushing with shame and a new sense of confusion, she removed herself from his lap. Venick’s smile was sad. “I don’t know what the right thing is,” he sighed. “I don’t know if it was a mistake asking you to come on this campaign. I want you here, but maybe that’s selfish. You haven’t had enough time to process what happened in Evov. You’ve barely had enough time to regain your strength. And I’ve been wondering if maybe…you should go back to Parith with Traegar. You don’t have to decide just yet,” Venick added when Ellina’s eyes snapped to his. “I want you to think it over. Our army leaves for Heartshire Bay at dawn. If you’re coming with us, meet me in the stables in the morning. If I don’t see you by dawn, I’ll assume you’ve chosen to stay behind.”
Ellina understood that condition. He was trying to make it easier for her to stay, because she could do so without having to face him. No goodbyes.
“Well? Will you think about it?”
Ellina imagined what it would be like to return to Dourin. To remove herself from this war, to see her friend again. It would be a relief…at first. But the vision darkened, turned to show its second face. If Ellina left now, she might never win her voice back. She might never find her place among the resistance, or sort through her feelings, or figure out how to mend this hurt, fragile thing between her and Venick…if mending it was even possible.
Venick waited.
Will you think about it?
Ellina gave a nod. She would honor Venick’s request. She would give herself the night to think over his offer. That way, when she chose to stay, Venick would know she meant it.
FIFTEEN
Ellina returned to her chamber. The lamp was still burning, the bed still perfectly made. She touched the quilted cover, thinking of dreams, but quickly abandoned the notion. If she had not been able to sleep before, she would never sleep now.
She went to her pack and dug into its inner pocket. Her fingers meet cool glass. The vial of minceflesh was where she had left it—a small relief. It was not safe to leave the poison unattended, but nor did Ellina like the idea of wearing the vial’s chain around her neck. She imagined what would happen if the glass broke against her chest. The liquid would soak. The tiny creatures would burrow through her skin. They would make a meal of her flesh, munching through sinew and tendon until her insides were reduced to mush. Ellina’s body would bloat with the pressure: a balloon full of blood.
She left the minceflesh where it was and went to the window. Outside, the sleet had slowed to a drizzle. In the courtyard below, a plainsperson was rolling a rainwater barrel back towards the house with apparent difficulty. There were hundreds of such barrels scattered around the city, the plainspeople’s solution to their self-imposed drought. Since they refused to drink from their own river, they must collect water in other ways. And they hoarded it. Ellina had not been offered a drop of water since arriving in Igor, only wine.
She thought of the dinner party wine and how she had chugged gratefully from an offered goblet.
She thought of the corpse that had attacked Venick, the way men had hacked the creature to pieces.
Ellina rested her head against the window’s casing. Though she was not asleep, the noise of the storm felt a little like dreaming. Down in the courtyard, the barrel-collector looked miserable. His shoulders hunched against the sleet. He rolled his barrel off the stone paving and down a gravel path. Likely, he was headed to the kitchens, which were located in a building separate from the rest of the house.
Ellina pushed away from the window. Though she was not cold, she rubbed at her arms in the way of someone who anticipated being cold soon. Her hands paused when she realized what she was doing.
She had not known, until that moment, what she planned.
Her feet were moving. They were taking her to her small bag of belongings, the set of gloves. She removed the bandage from her injured hand. Pulled on her boots.
The army would ride at dawn. There was still time.
