“You’re saying he can’t do much with a pony so a horse would be better?”
He shakes his head. “That’snotwhat I’m saying!”
“Let me ask… he said he wants a pony, a cat, and a horse. How did we raise such a greedy child? But I love him so much that I want to get him everything he wants.”
Jackson sighs. “Hey, Siri, text Waylon.”
“What do you want to say?” the car asks.
“‘You know better than to tease Leland because he’s going to get you everything you ask for. He’s already looking up ponies. And unless you’re prepared to cut back video game time to scoop up manure, you might want to rethink this.’”
My phone immediately dings and I look up at Jackson in disgust. “He said that you’re mean and told him he can’t have a pony, so now I’m his favorite.”
“AmI the mean one? I feel oddly sensible,” Jackson mutters. “And oddly sure that’s not what he said.”
“You are such a fun-ruiner.”
“Am I?”
“So…” I glance over at him. “Whatdoyou think about getting him twenty Dobermans to keep him safe?”
“I liked your cat suggestion. I’ve seen videos where cats save people,” Jackson says.
“Like… from a fly?” I ask, confused.
“No, I’ve seen them save kids from aggressive dogs, families from house fires… you know… I just… Imightbe wrong. But Ikindof feel like the last time you got an army of Dobermans, it didn’t go as well as you expected.”
“I haveabsolutelyno idea whatyouare going on about. But yeah. A cat sounds good. And then maybe we’ll have him take Sarge everywhere with him. He can be in his own category of service dog. Like a… ‘will eat you if you fuck with my boy’ service.”
“We’ll work on that.”
Me: Joking aside… do you want a cat?
Waylon: You guys really don’t have to get me anything.
Me: I’m well aware I don’t, but I’m going to anyway. It’s that or twenty Dobermans to keep you protected.
Waylon: Why such a wildly different range?
Me: It’s how I roll.
Waylon: I’ve always wanted a cat… but I don’t have to have one. I don’t want to be an inconvenience.
Me: I’ll get you fifteen.
Waylon: NO! ONE. Aren’t you supposed to be the adult here?
Me: I gave up on that a long time ago. Now pay attention in class.
“He said he wants a cat, and no he doesn’t want fifteen, he only wants one.”
“Why would he want fifteen?”
“I don’t know. Doesn’t fifteen cats lying on you sound kind of appealing?”
“It… it does.” Jackson pulls in behind Patel’s car before we get out to find her hammering on the door as we stroll up.
“What are you doing here?” she asks.
