“Hold me. Deus, hold me tightly as I question whether anyone loves me since my mother doesn’t,” Landon whines.
Asmodeus gets him into some strange hold like one would use on a baby while August scowls at them.
“Fine, I’ll just be over here,” August says as he runs his finger up the back of my hand. I’m quite confused by this action until I see him press my sleeve up just enough to get a glimpse of my tattoos. Asmodeus dumps Landon and slides between August and me.
“How dare you touch him,” he chastises while he hurriedly settles my sleeve down. Then he hesitates and pushes it back up a little.
“They are not that exciting,” I say.
“What’s under there?” Brandon asks.
“Little penises. That’s his superpower. He grows teeny penises instead of arm hairs,” Landon responds. “Makes every villain turn around and run… besides our very normal Deus over there.”
“I want tiny penis arms,” Brandon says, looking ridiculously disappointed that he doesn’t have this affliction.
“You are perfect just the way you are,” Baker tells Brandon.
“Is he?” Landon asks. “There are a few things I’d change about him, like how he waseatingat my dinner table with no underwear on.”
“My balls were moist after my morning run. I couldn’t put my underwear on just yet,” Brandon explains.
“Then don’t you think that’s extra reason to not sit there? I had to burn it. Lex had toburnthe chair.”
“I did?” Lex asks.
“Of course. You just don’t remember.”
I notice that Asmodeus has an arm snaking behind my back as he slowly starts drawing me off Brandon’s lap to his, like he thinks I might not notice disengaging from the thick thigh of the man I’m straddling.
I allow him to pull me over because, oddly, sitting on his lap is less awkward than straddling the lap of a man I barely know, but he doesn’t get very far before the SUV stops and Patricia announces, “We have arrived.”
I look out the window but see absolutely nothing out there. Patricia gets out and then fucks off while we all try to find the button on the hatch to let ourselves out. Of course no one helps and Lex has to climb over the back seat and out the side door in order to let us out.
We practically tumble out and look right into the eyes of a police officer who was about to get into his cruiser. He eyes us, then the copious number of people who had just exited the vehicle, before looking back at us like he’s trying to figure out how exactly we fit in there. I’m also uncertain.
He walks over to us. “Excuse me, who was the driver of this vehicle?”
Patricia immediately points in our direction. “One of those for sure. I don’t know who they are, but I just saw them drive in here.”
“I just witnessed them exit the back of the vehicle, ma’am, telling me that they were not driving. It is illegal to have more passengers than seat belts.”
“We have…” Mark looks at the group; I believe he’s counting before giving up. “At least fifteen seat belts.”
“Ha. This is what she deserves. Now come on, what are we here for?” Landon asks as he looks around.
“OH. MY. GOD,” Brandon shouts. It’s so loud it makes the officer jump. “The world’s biggest ball of yarn! I’ve always wanted to see this thing!”
I stare at the massive ball of yarn that doesnotsay “The World’s,” and instead says, “See our massive ball and come inside and snack on our nuts!”
“I like snacking on nuts, alright,” Landon says as he elbows August. “Amiright? Come… what were your villain names again? Suitboi and… oh, right! NoTouchy Eyenipples. Come, come. Let us peruse the ball of yarn with our eyeballs while you all witness me walking out in the sun. Not a vampire, thank you very much.”
Our group gathers around the ball as Landon’s parents try their hardest to get out of a ticket. I can hear Patricia saying, “But that pale one over there. He’s that pale because he doesn’t have long to live. This was his dying wish and he wanted to be surrounded by his whole family when he experienced it.”
“Which could have happenedlegallyif you’d brought multiple cars.”
“I bet Ellison looks pale under that suit! Why are you guys just making fun of my lack of sun?” Clearly, Landon is more hung up on his lack of outdoor activities than the fact that his parents could be headed to jail at the rate they’re going.
“He actually looks perfectly alive, unlike you,” Asmodeus declares.
