“You still didn’t answer my question.”
“What question was that?” I ask.
“What’s wrong?”
“What’s wrong is that you won’t let me eat on the couchorplay footsie with you. What am I supposed to do all day? I can’t run off into the woods alone. I can’t sit on the roof. I can’t beat up your mom’s private investigators. I’m running out of things I’m allowed to do.”
“You’re allowed to do normal things like read a book, watch a program…”
“That’s all you can think up?” I ask. “And… program? Did you come from the sixties?”
Pocket Lint the Third, Esquire rears up on my leg, wanting attention, so I pick her up and put her on my lap. Her head immediately pops up over the table, her nose going as fast as it can.
Ellison’s face instantly sours. “Put it down.”
“She’s not an it.”
“Putherdown.”
“What’s her name? Say her name and I’ll put her down.”
“I’m not calling her that stupid name. Vermin should not be at the dining room table.”
I scratch the top of her head. “Here’s the deal. I’ll tell you what was going on this morning if you tell me something secretive about yourself.”
“Absolutely not.”
“Just like… something real juicy.”
“It’s not going to happen.”
We’re in a stare down now, which might have lasted all day if my phone hadn’t started ringing. Seeing that it’s Landon, I turn it on and put it on speaker as I feed Pocket Lint a bite of egg while not breaking eye contact with Ellison.
He’s enraged that I’m feeding the ferret, and now her little front paws are on the table as I question if he’s going to smack me out of his house. I’d very much enjoy seeing him try.
I answer the call with, “Good forenoon, my fellow boon companion. I would like to hereby invite you to my entombment which will happen on the morrow.”
“Do you understand a lick of what he’s saying?” Landon asks. “I have no brain power for this man. It’s like he speaks and my brain just dies a little.”
“I believe he’s inviting us to his funeral which is going to take place tomorrow,” August clarifies.
“Oh… I planned to read all day tomorrow. Deus… do you mind holding off on dying by at least a day?”
“For that, you would need to seek out and persuade Ellison. He is my grim reaper today.”
Ellison lets out a sigh. “I just want him to get the fucking ferret off the table!”
“Oh, I fixed that problem by giving Zacia her own little booster seat at the table,” Landon explains. “She wants to be included. I’m sure Lint Roller feels the same way.”
“It’s Pocket Lint,” August helpfully supplies.
“Ah, sorry.”
“Maybe tell them why we’re calling?” August suggests.
“Oh, right, right. So there’s like this supervillain who is… attacking a mall, I guess? I don’t know. Valerie talked so much I forgot to listen, but one of the villains has the power of going invisible, so we thought maybe he could be our guy.”
I jump, scoop up Pocket Lint and my rifle, and rush for the door. “I’m coming. Where?”
