I stare at Asmodeus, who walks over to my mother and holds his arms wide open. “May I call you Momma?”
She refuses to hug him, of course, and leaves him standing there.
“Ellison, what is the meaning of this?”
“The cut to my chest has broken the hold the tattoos had on my power,” I say. “All of my illusions are back to full strength… including El. I just wanted to warn you that he might come here.”
Mother’s face pales considerably when she realizes what this means. “How do I know I’m not speaking to him now? My son would never be so rude.”
“I tried to be perfect for you, and it wasn’t enough, so maybe I should be the horrible son you’d always seen me as.”
“I never saw you as a horrible son,” Mother says.
I look her in the eyes. “Well, I’ve always thought of you as a horrible mother. You stood by Father and said nothing every time he bashed me down. I needed someone, anyone, and the only people there for me were those my fucking power made up. You treated me like absolute shit. You made me hate myself. I only came here to warn you and tell you that I’m done. I’m done letting you convince me that I’m a horrible person. I’m done with it all.”
She shakes her head. “I was not a horrible mother. I wanted you to be the best you can be, and instead?—”
“I needed you so fucking much. I needed you to protect me from Father. I needed you to tell me that I did a good job. I needed you to tell me that I was loved, that I was enough. I fuckingneededyou. And instead, all you ever told me was that I could do better.”
“I wanted you to be the best. The better you were, the brighter your future would have been! I was doing it for you!”
“But even when I was, it wasn’t good enough! Otto was the same way. He and I would sit together and talk about how much we hated both of you. We’d wonder what it would have been like to be raised in a household with parents who cared that we existed—who hugged us, who told us they loved us, and who were proud of us.”
“No! You’re lying. Otto…” She trails off and I can’t help but wonder if she realizes that she didn’t treat him that much better than she did me. Then she says, “We gave you everything you ever wanted! Look at this house, look at the house I bought for you, and you are still ungrateful!”
“You gave us everything but love. It’s my fault you lost your oldest son, but it’s your fault you lost this one. I’m leaving.”
“Otto was not your fault,” Asmodeus says. “I firmly believe El was trying to protect you. A child should never have to be protected from their own parents. Before you go, is there anything you want to take with you?”
I pause and look up the stairs before I decide that I do. I really do. I never thought I deserved it and I’m still not sure I do, but I find myself in Otto’s room anyway. It’s still pristine, just the way he left it. I go over to his closet and reach up to the top shelf where I know he hid the comic books we weren’t allowed to read, just like the Game Boy he wasn’t allowed to play. He read them so many times that the pages were curling up and worn. We both knew if Father saw them, he’d trash them. I remember acting like it was some big deal that he had these. Like they were drugs or something with consequences instead of literal pieces of paper.
I pull them out and turn around to find my mother standing in the doorway.
“I left your father to protect you… I live every day knowing that if I’d left him sooner, I would still have both of my sons,” Mother says.
Hugging the comic books to my chest, I nod. “If he’d been gone from my life, I wouldn’t have to live with the fact that I killed the only person who loved me.”
“I’m sorry, Ellison. I’m sorry I never treated you like a son. I don’t want you out of my life. If you promise not to leave, I swear I’ll support everything you do,” she says, and there’s a quiverto her voice that I’ve never heard before. It makes me watch her, incapable of answering. “I will support your new career; I’ll support you dating this man.”
I look up at Asmodeus, who is staring at her. His expression is unreadable. “Right now, I care about dealing with myself. I don’t know that I have the energy to care about everything else.”
Mother slowly nods, even though I can tell she doesn’t want to leave it there. Then she watches as I leave. Holding the comic books like they’re going to save me, I head out to the car. Asmodeus either doesn’t follow me or is invisible.
So I get in my car and drive toward home while silent tears run down my cheeks.
CHAPTER THIRTY
DEUS
I stare at the woman. “Words are easy to say, but actions are the only things that count.”
She’s eyeing me carefully, almost like she’s just discovered that there’s a predator in this room and she’s the prey.
I don’t stop until I’m standing in front of her. “If you hurt Ellison again, I’m going to make you hurt. I’m no good at that emotional manipulation you seem so fond of. Instead, I think I’m going to break your fucking fingers.”
“You’re a psychopath,” Beatrice hisses as she pulls her hands back, like she thinks she could protect them if I wanted to snap every single one of them.
“Am I? What’s so different? Please tell me. You abuse children until they hide, terrified of facing you. Until they’re pushed to the limit and start to wonder if anyone would even notice if they were dead. Your child was injected with a toxic drug that’s been known tokilluntil he vomited and begged for help, but no one was there to help him. He was tormented for eighteenyears. Between those things that you’ve done and mebreaking a finger… please tell me which sounds worse? You call me a psychopath… what do you call yourself?”
