Stop.
I shake my head to get rid of the thoughts, and open my eyes, staring at the beige wall behind the toilet. My throat tightens again, and I swallow the tears down. The bell is going to ring soon, and I have to go to class, and I am not giving Forrest the satisfaction of seeing how much he’s upset me.
After our showdown in the hallway, I’m on guard for Forrest behind every corner. In our class together, first-period English, he totally ignores me, but every time I see him in the hall my heart rate jumps. His words ricochet around my brain, the scene replaying at totally random and completely inconvenient moments: as a teacher calls on me to answer a question; in the middle of dinner; while I’m working on homework. I do my best to get through the day, but the whole time in my mind, Forrest is glaring at me and saying I must think I’m better than him.What if he tells his friends what I did, and they tell everyone else in the club, and everyone thinks I’m completely out of my mind, and they don’t even wait for the revote, they just make me leave Queer Alliance immediately, and my friends abandon me, and—
“Sidney?” A finger poking my shoulder makes me jump. When I look up, Anna is watching me with a concerned, wary expression on her face. It’s Wednesday, and we’re sitting in the hallway for lunch, and my thoughts are going haywire, like they have for the past few days.
“What’s up?” I try to smile, but my lips won’t make the shape; they just pull tighter, into something that feels and probably looks like a skeleton pretending to be human.
Jayden and Makayla are watching me now too, and I look down at my sandwich, swallowing against the lump rising in my throat. If I tell them what I’ve been thinking, I’ll sound totally unhinged.
“You’ve been super spacey the past few days,” Anna says. “What’s going on?”
“Nothing,” I say. “I’m just...” I wave my hand vaguely. “Anxious.”
“Is it about Queer Alliance?” Anna eyes me. She is way too perceptive sometimes.
“Ummm...” I lean back, letting my head fall against the wall with a light thump. “Yeah.”
“You’re gonna be a great president,” Makayla says.
“Co-president,” I say, and I don’t mean to sound bitter, but the word comes out like burnt coffee.
“Maybe Forrest will be ...OK-ish?” Jayden says.
I raise my eyebrows at him. “What a vote of confidence.”
He rubs the back of his head, grinning. “I mean, maybe he’ll surprise you! He’s notthatbad.”
I sit upright. “Not that bad? Are you two secret besties? Should I be worried?” I’m joking, butwhat ifwhispers the voice in my head. I mentally bat it away.
“No!” Jayden holds his hands up. “I’m still your right-hand man. We just got assigned to a project together in history, that’s all, and he’s been ...fine. Alexander is in the group too.”
“I’m very happy for you.” I roll my eyes. He shrugs, smiling.
Anna squeezes my arm. “You’re going to do great. No matter what Forrest does.”
I wish I believed her, but I can’t seem to stop replaying the confrontation with him over and over, picking out the moments where I could have said or done something, anything, different. The moments where I could have rattled off the perfect comeback speech, which of course I can think ofword for word now that I’m not right in front of him. Where I could have said the right thing to disarm him, calm him down, get him to see what’s best and give up the presidency. Where I could have started the whole conversation off differently, approached him with friendliness instead.
My brain is like an entity unto itself, a whole other being inside me that I have no control over. It bombards me with images and thoughts like I’m in some horrible gym class dodgeball game where no matter how I move, I get hit in the face. It’s me on one side and everything inside my brain on the other, throwing itself at me.
I’m so tired.
That’s not real. It’s not happening.
That’s not real. It’s not happening.
That’s not real. It’s not happening.
As my friends chatter, I say it to myself three times, then again, because the thoughts are still coming. And again. I do seven sets of three, for an odd number of twenty-one. Then I do seven more sets. Then seven more, for three rounds of seven sets of three repetitions each, twenty-one times per round, sixty-three repetitions overall. All odd numbers. I’m safe inside.
When my friends and I walk into Mr. Harrison’s classroom on Friday, Forrest is already there, and the circle is half set up. I stop short, Jayden letting out a noise of surprise as he almost bumps into me.
“Hey.” Forrest hefts a chair over his head, grinning at us. I cringe inwardly, waiting for the thunk when it lands, buthe sets it down gently next to another one. Jayden crosses to him and they fist-bump. He glances back at me, and I widen my eyes at him. He shrugs, giving me a guilty-looking smile. OK, so Jayden and Forrest are cool with each other. That’s fine. My friends can be friends with whoever they want.
I join the others as we push the last chairs into place. Forrest and I slide ours in at the same time, next to each other.
“How’s it going, Co-President?” he asks, his voice light. Too light. And he’s still calling me Co-President, like he wants to rub it in.
