Can you come over?
Of course,she says.
I lie there, staring at the thread. I need her. I don’t want to die. I check her location, and watch her tiny dot move around her house and then out of it. It moves faster than normal, so I know she must have called a car. I keep my eyes fixed to her as she snakes through Capitol Hill, down its east side; past Judkins Park, where we went to a protest rally a few years ago; across Rainier Avenue and up the back of Beacon Hill, and then the dot pauses on the street outside my house. I push back the covers and set my feet on the floor. She knocks, and it takes everything in me to get up and walk out of my bedroom, but I do.
When I open the door, she steps inside and wraps me in a hug. My head nestles into her neck, and I squeeze back, feeling the comforting softness of her in my arms.
“You give the best hugs,” I mumble.
“I know,” she says, and squeezes me tighter for a moment before releasing me. Her face is serious. “I’m going to make you some tea, and we’re going to go in your room, and you’re going to tell me what’s going on, because I know you and I know something’s up.”
I nod. She heads to the kitchen and fills our electric kettle, then selects two mugs while I stand there and watch her. Brekky meows from the floor, Earl Grey echoing him from the cat tree.
“I should feed them,” I say, and cross to the cabinet where we keep their wet food. Brekky headbutts my hand as I open it, and tries to climb inside, on top of the pallet of cans. I pull him out. “Get out of there, you ridiculous little boy.”
“Herbal or caffeinated?” Anna says.
“Definitely herbal,” I say. I do not need to add a caffeine buzz to whatever the fuck is going on inside my brain right now.
“Chamomile? Peppermint? Rooibos?”
“Chamomile is good.” I crack open the cat food and scoop the portions into clean bowls, then carry them to the feeding station, the cats trailing me the whole way. They chow down, and I follow Anna back to my room. She hands me my mug, and we sit down the bed.
“So,” she asks. “What’s up?”
And I tell her everything.
When I’m finished, she’s quiet for a little bit, turning the mug around in her hands. Maybe this was too much. Maybe I overwhelmed her.
“Wow,” she says finally. “That’s a lot.”
I look down. “Sorry.”
“Oh my god, NO.” She reaches out and squeezes my knee. “Not ‘a lot’ as in you’re too much. ‘A lot’ as in ...wow, you’ve been dealing with a lot.”
“Oh.”
“I’m not surprised you have a crush on Forrest,” she says.
“You aren’t?” I can’t even hide the incredulity in my voice.
“No.” She waves a hand. “And also, I don’t think you’re crazy. But that definitely doesn’t sound like anxiety.”
“Yeah.” I raise the mug to my nose, breathing in the sweet, musty smell of the chamomile tea. It’s familiar and calming. “I just ...don’t know what’s going on with me. I’m...” My voice gets watery and thick, my throat closing up. “I’m scared.”
“Sidney.” She scoots closer to me.
“I’m sorry I’ve been a bad friend.” I’m crying now, through my words.
“What are you talking about?” she says. “In what way have youeverbeen a bad friend?”
“I’m self-centered, and I make everything about me, and all I can think about is my own problems, and—”
“OK, those are all basically the same thing, so that’s one thing, and it’s not even true,” she says. “Nothing you just said about what it’s like inside your head sounds remotely like that. Honestly, it sounds like torture.”
I cry harder, because she’s right, and she puts her arms around me, hugging me tightly. We rock back and forth, in acomfortable embrace, until my tears slow. The door swings open a little bit as Brekky pushes through, and a moment later, Earl Grey pokes her head in too. Brekky jumps up on the bed, curling up against Anna, and Earl Grey prowls over to my bookcase, jumping on top of it to look out my window.
“So ...I think you should tell your moms,” Anna says finally, pulling back from our hug.
