She frowns. “Jayden and Alexander and their massive crushes on each other? Did you not know?”
I turn back to the stage. Jayden’s hands are clasped in front of him, his face tipped upward as if toward the sun, gaze fixed on Alexander, who’s moved out in front of his crew, into position for his battle. Alexander looks down at Jayden, and even though he was already smiling, now he’s grinning, the expression taking over his whole face as he gives Jayden the tiniest wave.
Anna pokes me gently. “Wait, did you seriously not know? Makayla and I were talking about it at lunch the other day while you were with Forrest, and we just assumed you knew too.”
I’m silent, staring at the stage, but I’m not seeing the competition anymore. All the moments from the last few months flash in front of my eyes: their group project together, Jayden’s new familiarity with Forrest’s group of friends, his sudden interest in breakdancing—
“Halloween,” I say. “His costume. Alexander helped him make it.”
“Are we talking about Jayden and Alexander?” Makayla appears on Anna’s other side. “They started FaceTiming recently. He goes into his room and they talk forhoursand when he comes out he’s all glow-y but hestillhasn’t told me.”
Anna grabs my arm. “Oh my god, they’re starting!”
Forrest cups his hands around his mouth and whoops. “Here we go!”
Alexander struts toward the center of the stage, the half-circle of his crew behind him, up against a tall Black girl from the other crew. I watch Jayden watch him, and feel a pit open up underneath me. I’m standing in the gymnasium, but I’m falling, falling, falling. How could I not have noticed? Now that I see it, it’s obvious, just like Anna said. Jayden is the living embodiment of the heart eyes emoji, following Alexander’s every move.
I’m a horrible friend. All I think about is myself. When Makayla came out, I spiraled, and now Jayden has this crush and I didn’t know, I had no fucking idea, because I’ve been caught up in my own head, in my stupid feelings, in these stupid thoughts. I’m a horrible friend and they’re all going to leave me and I deserve it, I deserve it—
The crowd cheers and I dig my nails into my arm, as hard as I can.
THAT’S NOT REAL. IT’S NOT HAPPENING.
THAT’S NOT REAL. IT’S NOT HAPPENING.
THAT’S NOT REAL. IT’S NOT HAPPENING.
I breathe out, the pinch of my nails anchoring me, and watch Alexander. His movements are more fluid than other dancers’, and as he glides from a handstand to the floor and back, he incorporates his arms and hands in graceful framing gestures.
“He vogues too,” Forrest says. “It’s part of his style. It’s so fucking cool.”
I’ve seen voguing videos come across my feed, and now I can pick it out in the way Alexander moves, combining breaking and voguing into something entirely new. The crowd shrieks and gasps as he death-drops and spins his legs to pull himself onto his hands, feet twirling in the air. As I watch his dancing, the thoughts quiet, and I relax my hand around my upper arm.
I’m OK.
They battle back and forth until finally the DJ calls it in a dramatic wail, drawing out the syllables of the winning crew’s name: “Twoooooooo ohhhhhhh SIX! MAVERIX!”
We all scream, drawing laughs and claps from the crowd nearby as the crews leave the stage. They’re swarmed by people high-fiving and hugging them, and we rush toward the clump, fighting our way toward Alexander, who’s fielding admiration from several dancers in other crews. Whenhe sees us, he abandons his fans and zooms over, his face glowing.
“We won!” he shrieks. Behind him, the other dancers laugh, looking on with fond expressions like he’s not just their competitor but also their kid, someone they admire and feel pride in at the same time.
“That wasamazing!.” Jayden says, and they hug tightly. Alexander hugs me next, surprising me, and after a second I hug back, relaxing into his embrace. His cologne is spicy, and he’s wearing a lot of it. He moves to Forrest then, and the rest of us in turn, our little huddle a circle of warmth in the loud gymnasium. It feels good, but it’s not going to last. I know Anna is thinking about me right now, how I’m such a bad friend that I had no idea about Jayden, how she’s done with me and our friendship. She’ll tell Makayla, and then Jayden, and they’ll see it too. The moment is a candle I’m holding, my very presence enough to douse the flame.That isn’t real. It’s not—it isn’t right now, but it will be. I can feel it, sweeping toward me like a tidal wave—STOP IT—this is going to end, and they’re all going to hate me.
“I’m going to the bathroom,” I say, backing away, and it doesn’t seem like anyone notices. I turn and slip through the crowd, out of the gym doors, into the lobby of the community center. I scan the walls and find a sign pointing me in the direction I need: the restrooms, six all-gender single stalls lining a side hallway, and I push open a vacant one, locking the door behind me.
The linoleum floor is cool under me when I sit, and I press my hands to the hard surface like it can anchor me. I close my eyes, breathing deeply, and repeat the words to myself, the ones I’ve said so many times I can see them, like wheels wearing a groove in my brain.
It should work, but it doesn’t. I try over and over, set after set, until I’m breathing fast, tears streaming down my cheeks, hands clutching clumps of hair at my temples. The fear is intense, swirling into devastation, a maelstrom that’s pulling me under. I can’t feel this, I can’t handle it, it’s too much.
“That’s not real. It’s not happening.” I rock back and forth, the words coming out of my mouth now instead of staying in my mind. “That’s not real. It’s not happening. That’s not real. It’s not happening.” Someone is probably right outside and they can hear me, they can hear me losing it, they’re calling the police right now and I’ll go to a mental hospital and never come back and all my friends will forget about me and Forrest won’t care and I’ll just be that crazy person they knew—
My phone rings and I start. It falls out of my hoodie pocket and hits the floor, still ringing.
Forrest is calling. Forrest is calling me.
I answer.
“Where are you?” he asks.
