I choked on my chai, aware of Sam, stocking shelves at the back of the shop. The spices burned my nose. Or maybe that was embarrassment.
“Actually,” Reeti said thoughtfully, “if you were looking for nonrecreational sex, Tim would be a good match. Not exciting, but he’d always take care of you.”
“I don’t need someone to take care of me,” I protested (pushing away the image of Tim bringing me buns). “I can take care of myself.” And Toni. I always had. “Anyway, we’re friends. Not every relationship between a man and a woman has to end in sex or marriage.”
“Not according to my aunties.”
The bell over the door jangled. Sam appeared from the back, giving us a nod as he moved smoothly behind the counter to take care of a customer.
I seized on the change of subject. “How are things going with Vir?”
“It’s hard to say.” She studied her mug, as if the answer were hiding in the tea leaves. “I like him. His mother likes me. But there’s so much pressure. Am I really attracted to him, or do I want to please my parents? Is he into me, or do I simply check all the boxes?”
“Tim said he got engaged once because he met all this girl’s criteria for a partner.”
“Our Tim? What happened?”
I wanted to tell her. But it wasn’t my story to share. “They weren’t right for each other after all.” Because he was honorable and responsible, and she was a heartless cheat. “So he broke it off.”
“That’s what I’m worried about,” Reeti said. “Vir’s parents aremore traditional than mine. They say they’re okay with me doing whatever I want to do. But what they really expect is for me to work for my papa and then have six kids and stay home like a good wife. And I am not that girl. I want to teach, to make a difference in girls’ lives. What if Vir doesn’t support me?”
“At least you know who you are. You know what you want. That’s the important thing.”
“Except I don’t own it.”
Behind the counter, Sam finished with the customer and started restocking displays.
“Have you talked to Vir about what you want?” I asked Reeti.
“How can I? I’ve never even told my parents.”
“I get it. I do. I’ve been trying to win other people’s approval all my life. But your parents love you, Reeti.”
“People love you, too, Dee.”
Gratitude made my eyes misty. “Maybe in Dublin. Not in Kansas.”
“Because you didn’t let them know the real you.”
My mouth fell open. I closed it. Because yes, okay, I’d always been afraid to share my true thoughts and feelings. Afraid of being judged as too weird, too opinionated, too much, or not enough. Shamed when I didn’t speak up, embarrassed when I did. And now I had friends who listened.
What if the difference wasn’t in them, but in me?
“I don’t know who I am yet.” I smiled ruefully. “Maybe I should find someone to tell me.”
“No. As in, hell, no, girlfriend. Your ex, the fucker, did that. What you need is someone to adore you while you figure it out.”
Toni burst out of the kitchen, her face shining. “Dee, Fee’s taking me to the beach!”
Sam looked up.
“When?” I asked.
“In January?” Reeti said.
Fiadh appeared. “It’s less than an hour on the DART to Howth,” she said. “We can see the sights and be back before ten. Walk the cliffs, maybe, if the wind’s not bad.”
“I thought we were looking at apartments this afternoon,” I said to Toni.
