Sam picked up some forks and started to dry.
I was ruining everything.
There was a burst of laughter from the other room. A cry of “Boom!” from the card players, followed by groans and cheers.
I squirted more soap into the sink. “Toni’s having the best time. I think she has a little crush on your sister.”
Sam looked amused. “Noticed that, did you.”
I was good at not seeing things I didn’t want to see. Or not acknowledging them to myself. But I could be a hawk where Toni was concerned. “Toni tends to charge into things. Especially new things.”
“Like you.”
“Um. Not like me at all. I’m terrible at letting things go.”
“Beat a dead horse, do you?”
I rinsed a glass under the tap. Only a hundred more to go. “Maybe. I was with Gray for two years.”Stop talking, said my brain. My mouth didn’t listen. “Even when he used me in his book and dumped me, I begged him to explain. I thought he’d take me back. Iwantedhim to take me back.”
My face was hot.
“For Christ’s sake, why?”
“I thought he was special.” I concentrated on scrubbing lipstick from a glass. “I guess I thought, if he cared for me, I must be special, too.”
That’s what he’d said. “You could be special if you tried.” Shame on me, for believing him.
“You are special, Boots.”
I wanted to latch on to his words and wrap them around me like a security blanket. But this time I wasn’t going to let myself imagine what he felt. Or ignore how I felt. Or yearn for things he was unable or unwilling to give.
I swallowed. “Sam. Do you like me?”
“Sure, I like you fine,” he answered easily.
“But do you...”Like me, like me?My cheeks burned hotter. This was too humiliatingly like middle school. “Want to be with me?”
“Sex, do you mean?”
My mouth dropped open. “Yes. No. Maybe?”
“I’m willing. But I’m for fun, not for keeps. And you’re leaving at the end of the year.”
For fun.
My insides contracted. That didn’t sound very safe. Unless... What if going into a relationship knowing it would end was the best way to protect your heart?
“Maybe that makes us compatible?” I suggested. “Sharing an actual end date, I mean.”
“Might be. But I hate to lose a good customer over sex.” His gaze was steady on mine. “Or a friend, either.”
“We are friends.”
Sam’s eyes were warm. “Good friends. I’m not looking for anything beyond that.”
“You’re right.” I smiled. “Or... you’re honest, at least.”
He wasn’t leading me on, the way Gray had, saying what I wanted to hear, letting me imply the rest. I didn’t want to make this into something it was not. And maybe friendship would be enough.
