“Di, I need to talk to you. Are you free by any chance?”
The fact that I’m able to even ask this question at this time of day—I am so lucky my best friend is a real estate agent.
“Are you okay?”
It’s so uncomfortable to say the thing.No, I’m not okay, I have no idea what I’m doing or what I’ve done or what I’m going to do. I need help.I say, “Kind of. I need to talk out—talk out some issues.”
“I’m guessing you don’t want to meet at the house?”
I shake my head, though she can’t see. I hadn’t thought about it before now, but I know exactly where I want to go. “The beach. Ocean Beach.”
•••
I feel pulledtoward the coastline, to see where the world ends. The way I miss Erebuni, it’s been rising, but now it feels like a boil. I’m not sure if I have any chance of being with her again, but this feels like something I have to do. Some part of me hopes that being where Erebuni and I were, conjuring magic together, will help me find my voice to tell Diana what I’ve been scared to say. As I drive up, past Lands End, the view is magnificent: white foamy waves crashing for miles.
I choose the same location where the bonfire was and text Diana my spot. I rip off my heels and walk the beach barefoot. When the cold sand grips at my feet, I wonder if any of the grainsare the same as they were those couple of weeks ago. If any of them still have Erebuni and me clinging to them. As if it would matter at all, but it feels important somehow.
Waves roar in at intervals, and though their crests are high, they’re far enough away to be safe. Maybe that’s one reason people like these cold Northern California beaches: the show of danger, but from a comfortable distance, like lions at the zoo. Diana waves from the parking lot not too long afterward. She is in her real estate agent costume, as I like to call it, pencil skirt and a sweater with pearls, and suddenly I feel a bit bad for dragging her out into the elements. At least her booties have a low heel.
“The beach, huh? I haven’t been out here since I was trying to impress that guy Ben by pretending to like outdoorsy things.”
If I’m not into nature, she’s definitely not. To her, a meal on the back patio of a restaurant is roughing it.
“I came here recently, and...”
Today feels nothing like it did on the solstice. The sun is sharp, bouncing off sand and water; everything feels frenetic—the waves, the tiny crabs, and who knows whatever else under the sand, busy, busy to their next destination. Not that cool sense of calm Erebuni would wash over me. The courage I was hoping to glean from the environment seems nonexistent.
“Do you want to sit?”
Diana looks disgusted, like I asked her to lie in a pile of trash. “Hell no. I’m good here.”
I smile at her, then it turns fake, strained, as I try to tell her what I dragged her out here for.Just say it. Come right out and say it all at once. It’ll hurt less.I turn my face down, tickle my big toe into the sand. “This is awkward, but I have to tell you. Okay. Remember I used tohook up with the occasional woman in college? Turns out I do actually like women, too.” The words jam together, coming out fast.
No way I’m looking at Diana’s face now. The truth shouldn’t feel so uncomfortable, but I guess I feel like I’m telling her about my sex life in some embarrassing way. I’ve been conditioned, I know, but there’s no time to think about that now. I continue, a rush of words crashing into one another, “And at the banquet? I did kiss Erebuni, the emcee, and that super wasn’t the first time. In fact, we were kind of dating and falling for each other, but because Mom saw Erebuni and me together, I freaked out and pretended Erebuni and I weren’t together, and and then stupid Raffi told her I was engaged, and long story short, she dumped me. We might never get back together, but it’s what I want more than anything. And if by some miracle she does give me another chance, what the hell am I going to say to the family? It could never work. Right?”
On my final word I gather the courage to look up at her. She’s not shocked. She’s almost impassive, like she’s mulling it all over.
“I see why you took me all the way out to the ocean for this.”
“You do?”
“I’m so worried about the wind turning my hair into knots, I barely care about anything else you’re saying.” She smiles. “I’m kidding. Nar, I always knew you liked girls. The way you talked about those hookups, it wasn’t just for fun. I—I admit I didn’t have the best response back then. Armenian school to Catholic school doesn’t really prepare you for the variety of the world.” She looks down. “I hope I never made you feel bad about it.”
She always knew. “I mean, no. I didn’t think you actually knew. I thought you just thought I was a little weirder than you.”
She jibes me. “Well, that I can’t deny.” Then she turns seriousagain. “But not because of who you like. Though I can’t believe you were dating that woman, Erebuni, and never told me! She’s really pretty, and so poised. I told you, you always liked the intellectuals.”
I can’t help it, I blush. I love hearing her talk about Erebuni like this.
She continues, “I knew something was obviously up at the banquet when Tantig Sona was flapping around like a deranged bird, showing us the photo, but first of all, I didn’t want to have anything to do with her gossip about you, and second, I wasn’t sure what to make of it because I was so positive you’d have told me.”
A touch of guilt comes over me for not trusting her before this. But I want to tell her the truth. “I was afraid you’d say I should focus on the guys and not get distracted by something with no future.”
She pauses a moment. “I see why you would think that. I might have, at some point. But did you know Remi’s brother is gay? Closeted. Even though his parents are open-minded, he feels like they’ll never accept it, so he goes on the occasional sham date with a woman to keep up appearances. Breaks my heart. With you, I mean I admit I never thought it would come up. You were always dating guys, on track to marry Trevor...”
She comes closer to me, catches my eye meaningfully. “If this woman is who you want, or if it’s not her, if it’s someone else, I am with you one hundred percent. I want you to know that.”
I haven’t noticed until now that I’ve buried my feet completely in the sand, like hiding a part of myself in the warm and dark will help me get through this conversation somehow. Now I pull them out and rush up to hug Diana.
