“Shut up,” he laughs. “Well, anyway, not long after that, I found out Elle had been regularly hooking up with her, which explained why she seemed like she knew what she was doing during my birthday surprise. I’ll spare you the intimate particulars, but I learned that they met on Tinder. Let that sink in. She was married to me, living in a house I bought so we could start a family, but swiping right on some chick from Tinder.” He sighs. “Anyway, Elle and Sandy—that’s her name—”
“Like the hurricane?”
“Yes,” he says. “They had been dating for about three months by the time of the birthday sex incident. I offered to try counseling with her, but it was pretty obvious that she was happier—physically—with Sandy than she was with me. Which would have been great information to have found out before she went ahead and married me.” He swallows.
“I’m sorry,” I say. I reach across the table and give his hand a squeeze. The feeling of his skin under my palm gives me goose bumps.
“Thanks. I hate even talking about it because it’s so humiliating. But, anyway. Later, after I moved out, Elle had our nice big house all to herself. I told her she could keep it for as long as she wanted, as long as she paid her half of the mortgage payments and all of the bills. I took the stuff I wanted to keep, and everything else—furniture, appliances, all of it—was hers.”
“Okay,” I say.
“We’ve spoken a few times since the split. You know, there are legal matters to deal with, and one time, the toilet overflowed and she didn’t know what to do with herself. But I never asked about her and Sandy because quite honestly, I didn’t want to know.”
“I get that.”
“So, check this out. Today, we had a meeting with a Realtor because Elle said she wanted to sell the house and move back to the city. Whichis fine. The deal is, if we sell, no matter how far into the future that may be, we split any profits on the house fifty-fifty,” he says. “Which is why I had to be there.”
I nod as Ginger delivers a triangular wood board with ramekins of hummus, Greek baba ghanoush, and feta cheese spread at the corners and a pile of pita bread triangles loaded up in the middle. It looks and smells incredible, but I try to ignore it and pay attention to Colin’s story.
“Eat some. Please,” Colin says, releasing my hand, picking up a piece of bread and dragging it through the dish of hummus. “Mmm. So good.”
I follow suit. It tastes like what I would imagine Greek food inactualGreece to taste like. The pita is warm and so soft, and the hummus is smooth, creamy, and drizzled with fresh olive oil. “Delicious,” I say, chewing. “Go on.”
He swallows. “So, we met the listing agent at her office. We’re using a woman who my assistant, Daisy, set me up with. Her name is Lydia.” He takes a swig of ginger ale. “I got there at eleven, which was the agreed-upon time, and we’re waiting and waiting for Elle to show up,” he says. “Finally, she gets there, and she’s a total mess. Disheveled, looks like she hasn’t slept in days, thick sunglasses on. She looked worse than I’ve seen her look in areallong time. But I’m not trying to get involved in whatever drama she’s bringing. I’m just pissed that she’s late.”
“Uh huh.”
“Lydia begins explaining how the listing would work, the fees involved, all that normal stuff, when all of a sudden, Elle bursts out in tears.”
“Why?”
“She asks me if she can speak to me outside for a minute, and I’m just so embarrassed that I’m like, ‘Sure, whatever.’ I just want to move the whole thing along, y’know?”
I nod again, tasting the feta spread on another piece of pita.Home run. This place is legit.
“So, we go outside, and she’s sobbing—loudly—so, I suggest we sit in the car. Then, she proceeds to tell me the most fucking ridiculous story I’ve ever heard in my life.”
I take a deep breath. “Okay. I’m ready.”
“She starts off by saying, ‘Whatever you do, please don’t judge me.’ So, right away I know I’m walking into a dumpster fire.”
“Yikes.”
“Then she tells me she woke up this morning and all of the TVs in the house were gone.”
“What? Really?”
“There’s more. The engagement ring I got her is also gone, and mysteriously, so is Sandy—all of her clothes and things have vanished—poof!—into thin air. So, I’m like, ‘Wait, Sandy waslivingwith you?’ because I didn’t know, and she said that she was, but only for the time being because she was in between jobs at the moment. So, I ask what kind of work she does, and Elle says she was a delivery driver for Amazon.”
“What happened? Did she get one of their vans in an accident or something?”
“Nope. Brace yourself. She got caught mishandling packages.”
“What does that mean?”
“That’s the terminology Elle uses to tell me this. So, I asked her to clarify. Evidently, she got arrested for stealing people’s deliveries.”
“No way. Really?”
