“Bullshit. I know sulking when I see it.”
“I’m not sulking,” I say.
“We’ll get them next year.”
“That won’t make up for losing now,” I say. “Winning doesn’t even out the losses. It doesn’t work like that. At least not for me.”
“You did everything you could. Today wasn’t our day. Beating yourself up over it won’t help.”
He means well, and I even know there’s some truth to his words, but I refuse to accept it was just some cosmic fate instead of a failure to do everything we could have.
One more steal, one fewer mistake, one more practice or hour of preparation. You never know what’s going to make the difference. We lost because we didn’t do something we should have to win. No, we lost becauseIdidn’t do something I should have.
“Are you heading out soon?” he asks. “Everyone else already left, but I had a feeling you were still in here punishing yourself.”
I ignore the last part and focus on the question. “Yeah. I’ll be out in a minute.”
He hesitates, watching me like he doesn’t believe me.
“I’m not going to sit in here all night.” It smells like sweaty socks and Barrett’s cologne. If I were going to sulk, it’d be somewhere I can breathe through my nose.
“Good. I’ve got a bottle of Jack with your name on it, and I’ll bet Lacey is waiting to smother you in glitter and kisses. Question, does she put glitter everywhere?” His eyes widen and he gives me a knowing look before mouthing, “Everywhere?”
The mention of Lacey has another prick of embarrassment needling my skin. She was there, cheering me on. She wore a shirt with my name on it. My number was painted on her face. And I blew it.
“Fuck off.” I try for a joking tone, but it sounds flat even to my own ears. I manage a small smile for his benefit, and it must work because he chuckles.
“See you soon, Cap.”
After Rowan heads out, I go back to sitting and stewing in my thoughts.
It’s Dad’s familiar footsteps that break through the white noise. When I look up, he’s standing in the doorway with his hands on his hips.
“I don’t have it in me for a lecture right now,” I say, letting my head hang.
There’s a beat of silence before he asks, “Do you want to go to the diner and watch the replay?”
“What?” My head snaps up. Is he for real right now? In what world could I possibly want to feel the defeat twice in one night?
“Losing is hard. It never gets easier, but you can learn from it.”
“Spare me the lessons tonight,Coach.”
I stand and turn to face my locker, fuming at him and myself.
Eventually he leaves me alone again. I punch the locker door and the metal clangs and echoes in the silence.Fuck.
The cold air feels good nipping against my skin when I finally make it out of the locker room. I start my SUV and plug in my phone.
I have a dozen texts, mostly from Austin and Rowan. One from Lacey. I can’t bring myself to read any of them yet.
I drop my phone into the center console and wrap my hands around the steering wheel. I squeeze until my knuckles go white and then flop back against the seat.
I can’t believe we fucking lost. My first chance to prove myself as captain, and I can’t even get us back to the State Championships. No matter what else we accomplished this season, that’s the thing that people will remember. We didn’t make it.
I pull up outside of Doyle’s camp and park without remembering the drive out. Blinking out of my daze, I turn off the engine but don’t make any move to leave the quiet cab of my Rover.
Instead, I grab my phone and finally read the texts that are waiting for me.
