Claire’s expression reinforces my thoughts.
“Okay, I’m disappointed I can’t show up for him the same way you do for Austin, but that’s just who I am.”
“Who says you can’t?”
I shake my head adamantly. “He doesn’t want that.”
Hasn’t he said several times how bad he is at being a boyfriend and how he doesn’t want to be that guy again? He’s also spent so much time and thought helping me checkthings off my mom’s list: taking me to pick apples, doing something scary with me, kissing me under the stars, and volunteering with me at the shelter.
Claire tilts her head to the side, searching my face. “Are you sure?”
I bite at the corner of my lip. “No, but today is not the day to be wrong. His focus is on the team.” Exactly where it should be. The more I talk it out, the more I realize how silly I’m being for feeling disappointed.
“If I’ve learned anything over the past year about myself and relationships, it’s that making myself try to feel or be someone I’m not always leads to disaster. You show up for people in big ways. You do for me, your friends, for your squad, your dad… The list goes on. It’s who you are. It doesn’t matter if you and Vaughn are dating or friends who make out sometimes. If he doesn’t appreciate how you move in the world, then he isn’t someone you need to hold space for in your life.” She finishes with a stern look that leaves no room for argument.
My pulse has picked up speed as her words strike a chord. “Damn. That’s quite a pep talk.”
“Thank you.” She beams proudly, and then we continue our walk toward our lockers.
But as quickly as I consider the possibility of talking to Vaughn about how I’m feeling, my courage wanes.
“I hear what you’re saying, but it feels so new. I don’t want to freak him out.” I mean, I’m freaked out, so he has to be too.
Claire nods her agreement. “Yeah, I get that.”
“Plus, I really like making out with him.” Even if it doesn’t go anywhere else, I’m not sure I’m ready to give that up yet.
She giggles as I sigh dreamily.
“Still not weird?” I ask.
She thinks for a moment. “Nope. Permission to keep making out.”
* * *
I continue to mull over her words in fifth period and in sixth. Sometime over the course of the last few weeks, Vaughn has become someone I want in my life. It is more than enjoying his company. Even when we aren’t studying or making out, though I really,reallyenjoy the latter. He listens to me when I talk about my mom, he asks questions about what I am thinking and feeling, and I’ve found I want to know more about him and how his brain works too. I care about him and what happens to him. Whatever we are, I know that he’s someone I want to show up for. Just like Claire said.
I likely won’t see him after school or before the game, so I hurry after class to Vaughn’s locker.
He’s already there, closing his locker with his stuff for last period. All the soccer team wore their blue warm-up shirts today. Vaughn is in his with black joggers, and the serious expression on his face tells me everything about his focus.
He pauses when he spots me approaching him.
“Hi,” I say tentatively.
His features smooth out and a smile pulls at one side of his mouth. “Hey.”
My stomach dips like it always seems to do around him. The more often we kiss, the more my body seems to react this way around him. I never thought I’d be someone who did casual hookups, but that was before I knew how fun they could be.
“Ready for tonight?” I ask.
A little of that seriousness sneaks back into his expression. “Definitely. Are you coming to the game?”
“Of course. I wouldn’t miss it.”
“Good.” His lips curve up into a bigger smile. “Cheer loudest for me.”
“You got it.” I glance at his mouth. I really wish I could kiss him right now.
