Adrienne takes a step over the threshold and squares up to him. Inches separate them.
‘Do you have any idea of what you have done already?’ she snarls. ‘We’ve had to put our baby plans back a year. That’s how long it’ll take us to save up for IVF and a new sperm donor. And that’s if Mel and I last the course, because believe me, we’re hanging on by a very thin thread here.’ Her look sharpens. ‘But then, that’s what you’ve wanted all along, isn’t it? To come between us? To win her back?’
‘No, no,’ Damon protests.
‘I don’t believe you. I tried my hardest to be your friend and to make you a part of our lives, because I know how much it means to Mel. But now I see you for what you are. A manipulative, selfish, jealous little prick. If you want to kill yourself, then go ahead. But don’t drag my girlfriend into your fucked-up headspace.’
‘We can sort this out,’ he insists.
Adrienne folds her arms across her chest. ‘How?’
‘I’ll get help. I can get better. Then we can continue trying to start a family. I’ll go to all my clinic appointments. I’ll do whatever I need to, and if you don’t want me around for a while until I can prove to you I’m worthy, then I’ll give you that space.’
‘God, you will sayanything.I don’t give a shit if you get help or not. You might not value your life, but I value mine and I value Mel’s.’
‘If you give me a chance, I’ll show you I can be a good dad.’
‘Damon,’ she says, leaning towards him. ‘You will never make a good father, because you’re too self-involved and too utterly obsessed with your admittedly horrendous past to be anythingbutthat. I’m sorry about all that. I am.’ Here, she takes another small step closer. The tips of their noses are nearly touching. ‘But we live in a world of pain, Damon. People everywhere go through hell all the time, and they don’t make it worse for themselves and everyone around them, like you have a positively insane genius for doing. I don’tblameMel for having that abortion.’
Melissa’s head turns so sharply to Adrienne it’s as if she’s been slapped. Adrienne’s steely veneer cracks as she realises what she has said.
Damon’s wide-eyed gaze fixes upon his ex-wife’s.
‘Whatdid she say?’ he asks.
Chapter 91
Damon
The sun is beginning its descent over the area of green space behind my flat. It’s about a third of an acre comprising trees, grasses and a wild meadow the other tenants have planted. The windowsill at the foot of my picture window is large enough for me to sit on comfortably, so I draw my knees to my chest and lose myself in the world outside. This is me. Forever the spectator.
For a moment, I allow myself to imagine Melissa playing out there with the child she terminated. Our child. A boy, I’ve decided. My son. I’ve called him Samuel, which is Hebrew forGod has heard, suggesting he is a long-awaited answer to my prayers. They are chasing each other around the lawn, shrieking with laughter, darting in and out of a sprinkler, trying to avoid the thin jets of water, but gradually dampening. He’d be almost four by now. But he is to forever remain a daydream, because Melissa robbed him of the opportunity to become an actual person. I shift my body, aware of the tension creeping across my shoulders and tightening my chest as I dwell on this. I curl my toes and bunch my fingers into a fist until the feeling disappears. I can’t allow myself to thinkabout a boy that only exists in my imagination. And I can’t dream about Melissa.
Days ago, I was cold and unfeeling, but this has pushed me into a different realm. I have been a tightly wound ball of anxiety ever since I learned what she did. I’m the touchpaper on a firework waiting to be lit and explode in a thousand different directions. I’m unable to rest or eat and my sleep is peppered with vivid images of what could have been. Melissa took away everything I ever wanted, and I hate her for it.
The walls of the flat are closing in on me. I need to get out of here. I grab my keys and make my way downstairs to the car park. The entry doors are locked while maintenance work is being carried out on the building, so I must walk the long way around.
My grandmother’s presence infiltrates my thoughts. Perhaps I shouldn’t have lied to her. Maybe I should’ve left a message on that detective sergeant’s answerphone and not pressed the mute button on my device before I spoke. All he’ll have heard on both recordings is silence. But she didn’t need to know that.
My thoughts are interrupted by Melissa approaching me. As she gets closer, tension fills the cracks that anger hasn’t already seeped into.
‘Leave me alone,’ I snap before she has the chance to say anything, and I quicken my pace.
Her footsteps are following me and I feel rage building inside. I turn.
‘You are the last person in the world I want to see right now,’ I yell. She looks frightened and I don’t care who else might be listening. ‘All you do is hurt me and I can’t take it anymore. So give me some space, alright?’
She opens her mouth to respond, but I turn my back on her. She’s got the message and remains where she is. I have never spoken to her like that before, so she must recognise I am serious. I haveforgiven her for ending our marriage and breaking my heart. But this? I don’t know if I’ll ever move past it. Because she hasn’t only robbed me of one child, but of two: the one she was pregnant with, and the one I now cannot have with Adrienne. I have only ever wanted to leave something behind that is better than me. But that opportunity has been removed from the table. Now, it’s impossible.
I reach my car. I’ve been unable to open the driver’s door since hitting a concrete post to stop Laura’s hired goon from attacking me. So I climb inside through the passenger side. It smells in here so I wind the windows down and begin puffing on my vape.
But before I put the key in the ignition, I take my phone from my pocket and send a text message.
I am ready.
Chapter 92
Damon
