Chapter 54
Damon
‘Were you and your mum close?’ Dahl asks.
It’s the first question on a tape recorded five days after my second session.
I assume I must’ve nodded, because he asks another question.
‘Was that because for such a long time it was only the two of you?’
‘I told you before, I look after her when she’s poorly,’ I say. ‘I help her.’
It’s only now that I realise I’m still talking about her in the present tense, even though by the end of the second recording, I seemed to have accepted she’d died.
‘Does your dad help, too?’
‘Mum doesn’t like him coming around.’
‘Why?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘How do you feel towards him?’ I hear the rustle of clothing. ‘You’re shrugging. Why?’
‘I don’t like him.’
‘Why?’
‘Because he doesn’t like me.’
‘What makes you believe that?’
‘Because if he liked me, he’d have stayed.’
That feeling remains with me today. Even though now I know Mum had no choice and Dad was frequently behind bars, I still hear an echo of not being good enough for either of them to want to be around me.
‘What was it like for you when your mum was depressed?’ Dahl continues.
‘She doesn’t want to do anything. She just lies around the flat or stays in her bed for days. The television is on all the time, but she never really watches it.’
‘Can you tell me how that made you feel, Damon?’
‘Like she doesn’t care about me.’
‘You missed her attention.’
‘I make her food, I read her books and I try to make her laugh. She likes my silly voices.’
‘And did that work to bring your mum back to you?’
‘Sometimes it does.’
‘But not every time.’
‘No.’
‘And how did that make you feel?’
