And the weight in her chest grows heavier still.
Chapter 38
Melissa
Damon doesn’t need to elaborate as to what he’s asking of her. But she isn’t going to make it easy for him. She wants him to spell it out. As if by hearing himself say it, he might suddenly understand that what he wants from her is cruel and unhinged.
‘You need my help doing what?’ she says.
‘You know . . .That.’
‘I don’t know,’ she replies. ‘Tell me.’
He looks around the room, exasperated, and lowers his voice. ‘I want you to ... kill me again.’
‘No,’ she says, her expression a warning shot. This isn’t up for debate. If they are to remain friends, he should not try to persuade her otherwise. And if he can’t respect that, he should leave right now. But she fears Damon has lost perspective. He is too far down the rabbit hole.
‘Please,’ he says. ‘Think about it.’
‘What is there to think about?’ she asks. ‘No.’
Now it’s his turn to become defensive. ‘Why?’
Her laugh almost chokes her. ‘Do you really need me to answer that? Because you have diedthree timesin the last few months andI’m the one who keeps bringing you back. Do you have any idea how fucking lucky you are?’
‘Yes, but—’
‘And howunfairyou’re being? You should join me in the rig for a few days and see first-hand the terrible condition we find people in, through no fault of their own. Maybe that’ll be enough to slap some sense into you.’
‘I know what I’m asking isn’t easy ...’
‘Ha! That’s the understatement of the decade. You cannot possibly imagine the pressure of holding somebody’s life in your hands.’
‘But you do it every day for work.’
‘That’s different. Most of my patients don’t want to die.’
She shakes her head. Is this really the same boy she befriended at high school, when he was living in a children’s home and she was a former army brat living off-base with her newly civilian parents? They were unfamiliar faces amongst the crowds. Others had already formed cliques and allegiances, but not them. They were like the loners in the John Hughes films of the 1980s they’ve been watching recently as part of their movie challenge. In fact, it was a movie they bonded over all those years ago, when she spotted the firstHarry Potternovel poking out from his schoolbag. That was the catalyst for years of friendship. She has lost count of the number of firsts they shared. A kiss, a prom date, alcohol, a spliff, gig, love, marriage, divorce, and now death.
‘I’m beginning to wonder if there’s more to this than even you realise,’ Melissa continues. ‘If you enjoy watching your life flashing by because of the familiarity it brings. Like seeing your mum again.’
‘No,’ he protests. ‘It’s not like that at all.’
But Melissa hasn’t finished. ‘Or is this a convenient distraction because you’re afraid of becoming a parent and the responsibility that’ll bring? Is that what this is really about?’
He puffs out his cheeks. ‘You are seriously doubting that I want to be a dad? That’s all I ever hoped for when we were together.’
This pricks her conscience. ‘You and I weren’t in the right place to start a family.’
‘It almost happened. But you didn’t want to try again.’
‘Okay, yes Damon, right you are. We all know it’s my fault,’ she shoots back. ‘But I wanted more than marriage and motherhood. The miscarriage was probably a blessing in disguise.’
It’s as if she’s slapped him.
‘I’m sorry,’ she rushes in. ‘I didn’t mean it like that. What I’m trying to say is that things are different now. I’m in a better place.’
‘Without me, you mean.’
