‘But you are aware the odds are against you? Each time you try it, they become steeper and steeper. Many people who’ve been resuscitated even only once have suffered debilitating after-effects with their mental health. You have now died three times in all. You don’t know what long-term damage that has already done to you.’
I think of the coughing fits I’m becoming prone to, along with the light-headedness and the racing heart. Let’s not even get started on reanimating the dead.
‘Is the truth worth dying over?’ she presses. ‘And what if you don’t like what you discover? Where will that leave you?’
I don’t know, is the answer.
‘I’m typically an advocate for confronting your past in whatever way you find the most comfortable and that allows you to move forwards,’ Helena adds. ‘But in your case, Damon, I wonder if it might be best to let sleeping dogs lie. I’m concerned that what you might read in your records could have a negative impact on you. How has seeing your mum or those children benefited you so far?’
‘Seeing her again and learning the truth ... it’s ... it’s hard to explain. It gives me a kind of comfort I didn’t know I was missing. But yes, there’s a longing that also comes with it which ... hurts.’
‘And the children? Do they draw the same emotions from you?’
‘No. I feel bad for them. I want to help them.’
‘Like I want to help you, Damon. You might only have been in my direct care for a few weeks, but the maternal instinct I feel for my foster children never leaves. I don’t want you to be hurt when you have come so far.’
‘I’m twenty-eight now,’ I remind her. ‘Perhaps it’s time I made my own decisions.’
‘So if you’ve made up your mind, why are you here? You don’t need my permission.’
‘I suppose I want you to tell me I’m doing the right thing.’
She nods slowly and offers a half-smile. ‘You don’t need that. But you’re right, you are old enough to make your own decisions, and I apologise if it sounds like I’ve been trying to put you off. I have no idea what the report says, but I assume you’ll find an application form to access your records on Lambeth London Borough Council’s website.’
‘What do you remember me telling you about Mum?’
She hesitates for a beat. ‘So many memories from that time are clouded by my strokes. I wish I could help you.’
‘Try drowning. Works for me,’ I joke, but neither of us laughs.
She looks at the clock again and edges her way forward on her chair, as if preparing to rise. I sense she is drawing this conversation, or my visit, to a close because she’s waiting for someone.
‘Before you leave, Damon, I need you to promise that you aren’t going to risk your life again,’ she adds. ‘I’m positive that’s not what your mum, or any parent, would want from their child.’
‘Okay.’ I nod. ‘I won’t.’
It’s the first time I’ve ever lied to her.
Chapter 35
Helena
Helena lets out a long breath she might have been holding for the last sixteen years. Her biggest fear is being realised: it’s all starting to come back to him.
She knows a different Damon from the man who is preparing to leave her house. She remembers the troubled boy who couldn’t be loved by his mother in the way he wanted to be. The one who felt abandoned by his father. The broken child who, despite herself, Helena briefly found herself caring for much more than she should have. The one she took a huge risk – not only professionally, but also with his well-being – to save. Everything could have fallen apart if she’d got it wrong.
Of all her charges, Damon made the greatest impression on her. Many followed, yet he remained rooted deep inside her, without him ever understanding why. The difference in him between that first day they met and the boy who left her home weeks later was immeasurable. They could have been two entirely different children.
No good can come of his digging, but she cannot convey to him why she’s so sure of this without revealing her hand. He is notthat twelve-year-old boy anymore, and she doesn’t know how he will respond to the truth. She can’t tell him what to do or how to live his life. She can’t force him to leave the past where it is, buried with the shovel she provided. And she cannot go too far in her desire to dissuade him without him becoming suspicious of her motives. The last thing she wants is for him to believe that she has a hidden agenda, because he trusts so few and she’s always had his best interests at heart. And she wasn’t alone in that.
They both did.
Helena’s chest tightens when she thinks of the opportunities that have been taken away from all involved. And, for a moment, she allows herself to imagine an alternative reality and how differently it could have been for her personally, had she written the script from the opening scene. She can’t blame Damon for all of what happened, but there’s no getting away from the significant but unwitting part he played. And that’s why it’s so important to her now that he doesn’t learn everything. Because if he does, all the sacrifices they made will be for nothing.
Damon leaves soon after and she gathers herself for her next visitor, for they are due soon. She cannot appear flustered in front of them; they can read her like a book, and they’ll know if something is troubling her. She doesn’t want to lie to them, but they can never know the lengths she has gone to keep so many worlds from colliding.
Chapter 36
