She is spoiling for a fight. It would be in my best interests to back down, but when it comes to this lump, where has that got me? No closer to seeing a doctor.So no, I decide.I’m going to fight my corner. ‘Of course I wanted them to work,’ I say. ‘But we’ve tried it your way and now it’s time to try mine.’
‘Oh come on, Maggie. Be honest. This has been your plan all along. I bet secretly you loved it when you found the first one because you saw it as your golden ticket out of here.’
‘You think I want a lump in my breast? Don’t be so ridiculous! I’m asking you to show me some compassion. I know I’ve made some awful mistakes and that you might not think of me as your mum any more, but whether you like it or not, that’s what I am. And I am also a human being who needs your help.’
‘There’s nothing I can do.’ She sniffs. ‘I warned you two years ago that you’ve made your bed and that come what may, you’ll have to lie in it. And nothing has changed. I’m sorry.’
She’s not sorry at all. And I know with certainty that at that moment, this is definitely it. Nina is never going to change her mind. ‘What have I done wrong? Because I don’t understand. I thought we’ve been getting on better over the last few weeks?’
She points her finger towards me. ‘I can see through you, Maggie, I can seestraight through you. You’re like all those other women who are constantly manipulating their children, playing the guilt card, trying to get them to make choices they don’t want to make to suit their own selfish needs. Well, I’m not going to let you win this time. I won’t let any of you win. None of you are going to take him away from me again.’
I have no idea to whom she’s referring. ‘Who?’ I ask.
‘You know,’ she growls. ‘You know what people like you do.’
Something has happened since I last saw her two days ago, but I don’t know what I am being held accountable for. I should probably leave it alone, but instead, I poke the wasps’ nest with a stick. ‘I don’t Nina, I really don’t.’
‘My whole life has been shaped into how you wanted me to live. All you ever wanted is a clone who wouldn’t leave you. You didn’t want me to grow up and have the things other women my age have. You’ve robbed me of everything.’
I push my plate to one side. ‘Where is all this coming from?’
‘You’ve never really loved me. You’re too selfish.’
‘You don’t have the first clue what I have given up for you out of love.’
‘Ha!’ she scoffs. ‘You don’t know what it means to love anyone!’
I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t hold back any longer. ‘And you do?’ I snap. ‘Your heart is so poisonous and your rationale so warped that you put your need for revenge ahead of everything else, including those who care about you!’
‘How can you say you love me when you gave my baby away?’
I’m now so incensed I no longer think about what I say before it leaves my mouth. ‘I’m glad I did!’ I shout. ‘You weren’t capable of being a mother back then and what you’re doing to me is proof that you aren’t capable of being a decent human being now. I did the best thing for that little boy because in the end you would have killed him like you’re killing me. You’re too selfish to be a parent.’
It happens so fast that my eyes barely register it. Nina grabs her glass and hurls it across the room, smashing it against the wall. Pieces scatter across the carpet. ‘Selfish?’ she screams. ‘You have the nerve to call me selfish! After what you’ve done? How fucking dare you!’
She rises to her feet and my body draws in on itself, preparing to cower. Except this time, I stop myself. The realisation is sudden – I will not spend the rest of my life, however brief the rest of it might be, recoiling in her shadow. A strength that I didn’t know I possessed rises to the surface. I no longer fear the monster I made.
‘I fucking dare,’ I growl, and now I’m on my feet too.
‘You have taken everything away from me,’ she shouts, spit flying from her mouth like tiny bullets. ‘You should be on your hands and knees praying to God for forgiveness for what you’ve done to your child!’
‘I’ve been forced to make decisions that have torn me apart, but they were only becauseyouleft me with no choice.’
Suddenly, Nina shoves me hard against the wall. I lose my balance and drop to the floor. Then I watch as she reaches for the bread knife on the table and stands over me, her knuckles whitening with the force of her grip.
I see it in her. The Nina with no control over her actions has returned. Her eyes have glazed over and right then and there, I know that she is unreachable. The darkness has descended and she isn’t my daughter any more. Whatever happens next won’t be down to the will of the girl I gave birth to, but as a result of the actions of her father, the man who robbed her of her childhood and set the wheels in motion for all that’s followed.
Nina raises the knife above her head but I don’t try and protect myself. If I am to die in this moment, then so be it. She will need to look her mother in the eye as she extinguishes the light from behind it.
Without warning, we hear it together.
A voice takes us both by surprise. We turn our heads sharply towards the doorway from where it came.
A man is standing there, a horrified expression across his face. ‘Nina?’ he asks. ‘What are you doing?’
CHAPTER 71
MAGGIE
