CHAPTER 37
MAGGIE
TWO AND A HALF YEARS EARLIER
The front door slams and I hear the picture frame rattle against the wall in the hallway.
‘Why?’ Nina growls as she storms into the kitchen. I brace myself;she knows.
‘Is everything all right?’ I ask, when we both know that it’s not.
Her cheeks are flushed with anger. She hurls her bag on to the floor and some of its contents spill out. ‘Tell me why you did it.’
‘Why I did what?’
‘Why you told Social Services that I wouldn’t make a good parent.’
‘That’s not what I said.’ I remove my hands from the washing-up bowl and wipe off the soap suds with a tea towel.
‘My case worker Claire says that in your reference, you talked in detail about things I’d kept from her. She says she has no choice but to turn down my application.’
‘She told you thatIsaid things about you?’
‘Well no, not you, but who else could it have been? Who else knows that much about me?’
‘And what were you keeping from her? Aren’t you supposed to be honest throughout the process?’
‘Not about everything!’ Nina says, raising her voice. ‘Someone told her about the miscarriage, that my ex-boyfriend was a murderer and about my breakdown and they didn’t think I was ready to take on the responsibility of a child. How dare you!’
‘Darling, I didn’t say you weren’t ready, I said that you had very little experience with children, so much so that you avoid your friends’ babies.’
‘Why would you use something I’ve told you in confidence against me? Adoption was supposed to be my chance to catch up with a world that’s moved on without me. But you’ve destroyed it all.’
‘They’d have found out about Hunter eventually.’
‘How? We were together a lifetime ago! There was absolutely no need to tell her about the miscarriage either, because only you and I knew about it.’
‘I didn’t tell them about Dylan,’ I offer.
The name alone is enough to bring her to the brink of tears. She has no idea this is hurting me as much as it’s hurting her. I feel so bloody awful for what I’ve done. I want to tell her that I have always had her best interests at heart even when it doesn’t appear so, but I can’t. The weight of the secrets I carry are almost too much to bear.
‘This was my one chance at happiness, Mum. You are supposed to want what’s best for me. So why have you taken it away?’
‘I didn’t want to, Nina, but I had to answer their questions honestly. I don’t think you’re prepared for what being a parent entails. What experience do you have?’
‘I can learn.’
‘And what about problem children? Kids who’ve come from terrible backgrounds, who have had some horrible, horrible things done to them? How would you cope with that?’
‘Social Services organises training courses and workshops to help you prepare for whatever issues come your way.’
‘Training courses are no substitute for the real thing. Raising a child is stressful ...’
‘I can cope with stress.’
‘Can you though?’ I fold my arms and hope that she will realise I’m being honest with her because she isn’t being honest with herself. ‘How would you cope if you’re given a child who behaves like you did when you were a teenager? I was a single parent too when you went off the rails. I went through hell with you; two years of absolute hell. God knows there were times when I wanted to give in, but I didn’t because I had the strength to see it through. Would you? Because I have seen what happens when you suffer extreme anxiety, when the stress of what the world throws at you becomes too much. You regress. You close the doors. You shut down. You cannot do that when you are a mother.’
Nina shakes her head as if she cannot believe I have brought this up. ‘Are you really using that time in my life against me? I was fifteen years old, Mum.Fifteen!I was a girl – I’m thirty-six now. I’m a grown woman. I can deal with anything that comes my way.’
