I push her into the bathroom and then, gripping her by the neck, I shove her into the bath. Somehow in the tussle she falls in back first and throws her hands out to stop herself from landing awkwardly. But it’s too late and we both hear the crunch of bone against the metal of the taps. She has hit her head, and she’s hit it hard. For a moment, we are united in our wait for what will happen next. Nothing, as it turns out. She moves her hand to the back of her head and then brings it towards her face to examine it. There is no blood. It sounded worse than it is.
Her arms start flailing and her hands grip the rim of the bathtub to pull herself up. All I can think about is how much my cheek and my, I assume, cracked tooth are hurting because of her. But for the second time tonight, I’m not fast enough to pre-empt her and she hurls a bottle of orange bubble bath at my head, striking my face in almost the exact same position as the metal cuff hit me. This time, a horrendous pain shoots up the side of my face as part of the same tooth breaks and rattles inside my mouth. I spit it out into my hand.
Now I’m moving without thinking. Anger and adrenaline are propelling me forward as I grab Maggie and thrust her backwards, her head hitting the tap for a second time. ‘You think that’s going to stop me?’ I hear myself scream.
I spit while I yell, my words firing like bullets from my lips, and I start slapping her around the head and face. I no longer have any control over my own temper as I unravel and spin. I want to hurt her in ways I have never done before. Maggie shields her face again with her arms as I grab a bottle of bleach from the side of the toilet and unscrew the safety cap.
‘You’re making me do this!’ I roar. ‘You made me think that I was unlovable, that I deserved everything that came to me, but you’re wrong!’
‘Please, Nina, no,’ she begs and she looks pitiful trying to claw her way out of the bath, her cuff clanging against the plastic bottom as she struggles.
‘Why must you keep doing this?’ I continue, directing the nozzle of the bleach bottle at the top of her head, ready to squirt it. One more slight movement and it will cover her face and neck. ‘Why do you keep trying to leave me?’
‘I’m sorry,’ she whimpers. ‘I’m sorry, it won’t happen again, I promise I’ll stay. I’ll be good.’
Suddenly I can only see the colours of the world in two shades – red and black – and I fear I am about to pass out. I become fixated by Maggie, because now she is covered in blood. There is so much of it, it’s as if she’s soaking in it. It must be coming from where she hit her head. But how has it spread so quickly? I panic as I look around the room, and there’s more blood oozing across the surface of the floor and streaks of it have splashed against the walls. The towels and bath mat are also soaked in red. I look back at Maggie in disbelief and for the first time, I notice there’s a knife in her hand. I back away quickly until I collide with the wall – how the hell did she get hold of that? As I try to force what I am seeing to make sense, I feel my body starting to convulse as if I am having a seizure.
I blink so hard that my eyes want to roll back in their sockets and when I open them again, the blood has disappeared. There’s no trace of it anywhere or the knife she was holding. There’s only Maggie, begging me not to douse her with bleach. I drop the bottle and it falls to the floor, leaking liquid on the mat.
We glare at one another, our breathing short and rapid, our hearts beating so loudly we can almost hear one another’s. I realise I am also crying and I don’t know why. For a moment, I see Maggie as my mum again, the woman who told me she loved me every day of my life until I locked her inside her bedroom. And briefly, I realise I’ve missed hearing that.
I move towards her but this time, she doesn’t recoil. She recognises I’ve returned from the spell I was under and nervously offers me her hand. I help to lift her leg over the side of the bath and back to her feet.
She slips her hand through my arm as we walk slowly towards the bedroom. ‘Dinner will be in half an hour,’ I say quietly, and I lean down to attach the longer chain to her ankle cuff. ‘I’ll get you some more painkillers.’
CHAPTER 23
MAGGIE
I’m shivering, not because I am cold, but because I am in shock. I am sweating and dizzy and unsure if it’s because I’ve hurt my head or because I’ve borne the brunt of the fury of a Nina who terrifies me.
I also don’t know whether I want to cry, to vomit or to scream ... or perhaps do all three. But I can’t in front of her. Instead I ball my fists and dig my fingernails into the palms of my hands until I think I’m about to draw blood.I must stay strong. I must ride this out.
I don’t protest as she attaches the extended chain to my ankle with a new padlock, nor do I turn to watch as she leaves the room. I don’t want to look her in the eye because I don’t know who might be looking back at me. Already I’m dreading the moment when she calls me down for dinner. How can I sit opposite her and make conversation after what has just happened?
I rub at the back of my head again where it twice hit the taps. A bump the size of an egg is rising to the surface. I’m suddenly overcome by immense fatigue and I want to lie back on the bed and close my eyes, but I know there’s a danger of concussion. So I force myself to remain awake.
I’ve seen my daughter consumed by her dark side twice before and I prayed I’d never bear witness to it again. The first occasion was as much of a surprise to me as it was to Alistair. It was so swift neither of us could’ve seen it coming. And, truth be told, I can’t blame Nina for it. That’s why I wasn’t going to allow what she did to destroy the rest of her life.
When the rage reared its head for a second time, I wasn’t there and I’ll regret that for the rest of my life. But I mopped up the aftermath. It’s a mother’s duty to protect their child from themselves.
Tonight, Nina’s darkness has made its presence felt once again. And I was the one who drove her to it. And again, I cannot blame her; I can only blame myself. I wasn’t thinking when I kicked her in the face. I panicked – it was a case of fight or flight, and I chose both. And it was the worst thing I could’ve done.
I close my door and lie back on the bed, but I can’t stand it for long because my head hurts so much. Instead, I curl up on my side and into a tight, impenetrable ball. I try to gather myself, taking deep, calming breaths and wrapping my arms around my body to stop it from shaking. Neither works.Just get through dinner,I tell myself.Just get through dinner with her and everything will go back to the way it was.
I only wish I could believe that to be true.
CHAPTER 24
NINA
I leave Maggie in her bedroom and make my way down the stairs, trying to convince myself that tonight’s events are par for the course and that we have lived through this situation many times before.
But even I know that my reaction was extreme.
For a minute there, I lost it. I actually lost all control of myself and I don’t know how it happened. It was more than just anger or blind rage. It was something much, much darker. And I’m frightened. She dredged up something from deep inside of me that I never want to experience again.
I lock the landing door behind me and make my way down the second set of stairs, using the bannisters to support myself. My hands, my arms, my back ... my whole body feels weak.What happened up there?
