‘Nothing really,’ she said, and placed her hand upon his in a reassuring manner. ‘Well, I just need to know – and I hate to be that person who brings this up – but where do you see us going? Am Ithe one? Do you want to settle down with me and do what every other couple does?’ Her cheeks were beginning to redden, which made Christopher smile. She carried on, her words getting faster and faster. ‘I know we’re Matched but is that enough for you? Because if that’s what you want, you’ve not actually told me. I know you’re a bit different fromthe other guys I’ve been in relationships with, I get that, but sometimes I find you so hard to read.’
Christopher frowned. ‘What do you mean by “different”?’
‘Well, you play your cards pretty close to your chest, don’t you? It’s like there are things going on under the surface that you keep from me and, once upon a time, with other boyfriends, that would have been excuse enough for me to have walked away. I mean, I’m a police officer, for God’s sake. It’s my job to be suspicious even with my nearest and dearest but with you, it’s … it’s different. It’s like whatever you are not telling me doesn’t really matter.’ She paused for a second, and Christopher really hoped she was right, that his secret didn’t really matter. ‘It isn’t something that’s going to change my opinion of you. It’s hard to explain, but rather than making me feel insecure, it has the opposite effect – it makes me trust you more. I trust you to have your secrets and that they won’t hurt me.’
Christopher felt a sudden urge to strip away the layers he’d spent years building and explain everything about who he was and what he’d been doing. He wanted her to know that while people had loved him in the past, he had never known how to accept it until now; how before Amy appeared he was merely living to type, but now the dark side of his nature, which formed so much of who he was, was diluting. And for the first time in his life, he wanted to be completely honest and vulnerable for someone.
He paused and closed his eyes, opening his mouth for the big reveal. But self-preservation prevented his voice from escaping. He reminded himself that if he gave up on his mission now, then for the rest of his life it would become his only regret. A tiny portion of him would resent Amy for coming between him and his killings, and gradually that rancour would grow from a seed into atree that would eventually block out the light that shone from her. And it scared him what he might do to her if he ever felt himself begrudging her.
‘I want everything that you want,’ he said quietly, and meant it.
Then he stared at the table, afraid to look her in the eye in case she saw straight through him and realised the man she loved had no soul.
Chapter 78
JADE
With just two days until she began the next leg of her Australian adventure, Jade was no longer as eager to leave Kevin’s family farm as she had been.
Mark’s kiss had changed everything. Loyalty and common decency had initially kept them apart, but after giving in to their emotions that one time in the pool, they were now making up for lost time, stealing as many moments as they could when nobody was looking. Jade would accompany Mark to town to pick up supplies, holding his hand on the gearstick; their arms would brush up against each other’s at the dining table and she’d assist him herding the cows into the sheds before fixing them up to the milking machinery. Every minute spent with Mark made Jade’s heart threaten to beat its way out of her chest.
He was an addiction she didn’t want to be free of. And the more she had of him, the more she craved.
As she packed her suitcase and prepared herself for her forthcoming solo journey around Australia, the need to be with him was the strongest it had ever been. She felt short of breath when she thought of what the next five weeks might feel like without him nearby, and an ever-growing part of her wanted to stay on the farm.
Then, on Jade’s final night, she decided their kisses, hand-holding and infrequent frissons were no longer enough. She slipped the silver band from her wedding finger and left it on her bedside table, then closed the door to the guesthouse and silently padded towards Mark’s bedroom in the main house. Her hands felt clammy as she reached for the handle and she prayed to God he wasn’t going to reject her advances. But his door was already ajar and, when she pushed it open, she found him lying awake facing her, as if he’d been expecting her to come.
He pulled the sheet to one side to invite her in.
‘Come with me tomorrow,’ Jade whispered afterwards, her body exhausted and her lungs close to breathless.
‘You know I can’t, it’s too complicated.’
‘Don’t you think I know that? I was the one who married your brother.’
‘And I’m the one who’s just screwed his wife.’
‘What did you just say?’ she asked, pushing herself away from him. ‘Is that all I am to you, a shag?’
‘I’m sorry, it’s not what I meant.’
‘It’s what you said, though. I’m not some cheap slapper who jumps into bed with any lad.’
‘I know, I know and I shouldn’t have said that.’ Mark reached out to hold her hand.
‘You and I know there’s something here that’s bigger than both of us.’
Mark nodded.
‘So come with me. It doesn’t have to be tomorrow, it could be in a week or a fortnight’s time. Just tell your parents you need to get away from here to clear your head. Give us some time together on our own to figure out what this is. You owe us this chance.’
‘Jade, I’m needed here.’
‘And I need you.’
‘I can’t do that to my family or to Kevin’s memory. How can I tell people … people who came to his funeral two weeks ago, that I’m in love with my sister-in-law?’
Mark’s use of the word ‘love’ made her blush and her body felt as if it was burning up. ‘But if I feel the same, how can it be so wrong?’ she asked.
