“I’ve heard every excuse. Every single one. You have to know that, Nate.”
Reed’s eyes shone.
Stopped short, Nate choked on all the things he couldn’t say. Unless he explained what he was, Reed would never believe him. Fiends lied and thieved and crossed their friends and lovers. Chem warped the mind, and hunger trumped all else. Nate had seen this, day in and day out, when he’d been with Alden. Anything he said would come across as a desperate attempt to stay with the gang.
Hewasdesperate to stay, but not desperate enough to force them to choose between cashing in on the Breakers’ offers or hiding him from those who would.
Reed let out a ragged breath, his posture softening. “Shake it off, clean up, and you can come back. You’ll always have a place here.”
“But you’ll never trust me again, will you?” Nate swayed, and Reed steadied him.
“Don’t ask me that. You have no right.” Reed shook his head. “What you’ve been doing puts us all in danger.”
It was truer than Reed knew, but not in the ways he imagined. Nate would never steal from them or allow anyone to come into the den. He’d never push chem on the others. He’d never give them away.
But what he was put them at risk. If the Breakers found out Nate was a GEM, they’d go after all of them for hiding him.
If he left quietly and they never knew, Pixel would be safe for now, too young to need Remedy. As long as she stayed clear of the Breakers, she had a good six or seven years before she had to keep the sick away. The gates might be open by then. Remedy might flow freely between the city and the Withers.
“Are you listening to me?” Reed asked, propping Nate up against the wall.
“I’m sorry.” Nate choked, undone by the gentleness Reed showed him, even now. “I’ll get my things. If you give me—give me an hour. I’ll draw out how to run the security panel. Maybe Pixel can give it a try until you find a Tinkerer.”
“Don’t.” Reed sighed sharply. “Don’t talk like you’re not coming back. I know you, Nate. You’re not a waste. Clear your head and come back. Don’t disappear.”
They both knew what that meant. Those who got too deep in chem stopped eating or sleeping. They got mixed up with the wrong pushers and got killed, or took too much and shook apart and died.
“You don’t understand,” Nate said, rough with frustration.
“That’s rot, and you know it.”
“I—”
“Brick likes you,” Reed said, “and she owes you a debt for helping us find July. She’ll take you back if you’re off that stuff. I can ask Sparks if she’ll squat with you, clean you up.”
Reed’s kindness became too much. His bright hope kindled an ugly fire in Nate. It was too late. They couldn’t have this. They’d never be close. And Nate couldn’t stand imagining an impossible life together.
Nate pushed Reed before he knew what he was doing, startling Reed back a few steps with more surprise than force.
He couldn’t stand seeing now, when it was too late, that Reed cared.
He’d kissed him.
And he’d never do it again.
“You can’t fix everyone!” Nate shouted. “Gods, Reed. Let me go.”
He staggered around Reed and headed for his bunk. The room was too quiet in the echo of his outburst, and when his breath broke into a sob, he wanted to fold in on himself until he disappeared.
His bunk contained only the blanket that had softened his sleep space in the old den. He tucked it into the backpack he rarely used and gathered up his tools, careful to leave anything the gang might use. Sparks climbed out of her bed and watched, eyes wide. She might have helped if he hadn’t shouted at Reed.
Pixel’s shrill, small voice filled the room. “No! You can’t toss him out! He can’t—Nate! Nate, tell him you can’t go.”
Reed caught her at the door on her way back from the showers with Brick. She began to cry, hiccupping and struggling as Reed and Brick held on to her, both of them trying to calm her down. After landing an elbow at Reed’s groin, she broke free and dashed across the room to launch herself onto Nate’s back. He twisted and caught her up in a fierce hug. She made him solid for a moment.
“You know I’ll be fine,” Nate said, speaking quietly at her ear, his words only for her. “I have somewhere to go, and you know it isn’t what Reed thinks. I’ll find a way to see you, Pix. Don’t tell. It’ll be all right.”
He met Reed’s eye across the room and understood in an instant the pain that made Reed stand rigid and cold. Reed had the same fuel in him, the same desire to shelter those he loved from the pain in the world. Nate had shouted at Reed for trying to save him, yet here he was, ready to promise the moon to Pixel. What right did he have to say things would be all right?
