My week at work had been exhausting beyond belief. I was trying to reach my monthly productivity early so I could take time off for the holidays. We had unlimited PTO, which, in my office, was scam code for,You still have to do all the work, but if you do it really fast, you can stay home for a couple of days.
I didn’t hate my job. Processing data wasn’t difficult, but having to work double speed and overtime so I could slow down later was a quick way to burn out. It seemed like they were encouraging us to find better jobs instead of doing what they could to retain us. I wasn’t sure how long I’d stay there, but the pay was decent and, with few exceptions, like right now, the work was easy enough.
For a Saturday, I woke up earlier than I usually did. The temperature must have dropped during the night, because the heat in my apartment was going full blast, and the dry air had me thirstier than the water bottle I kept next to my bed could keep up with. I walked over to the window to see if the snow they promised had come, but it hadn’t. The ground was just the same as the night before. Our weather had been wild lately.
I was one of the few people I knew above the age of eight who loved the snow. I understood all the reasons why people didn’t… They had to shovel it, to drive in it, it weighed down the roofs, and on and on. But snow reminded me of the carefree days when I’d go outside, dancing as it came down, making snow angels and snow sculptures. Never snowmen. I was always afraid the balls would roll away, and I’d end up with nothing. They never would, but in my young mind that was how it worked.
Looking back, I was a silly kid, and, honestly, I kept a lot of that with me as I grew up. I’d never understood the whole,you need to be grown up and give up all the things that you loveconcept. Sure, responsibilities came with being an adult. I paid my rent, did my job, and did it well. But sometimes, it was nice just to play and to forget about all the bills, the chores, and those stressors of life. Even better when you had someone to take care of you and you were able to allow them to fall fully from your brain. At least that was how I imagined it would be if I had a daddy of my own.
My phone pinged in the next room. Who would be calling this early? I should have known it was Hudson. His daddy was away on a business trip, and, when Bridger was away, Hudson always wanted someone to play with. That someone was often me, because, unlike most of his friends, I didn’t have a daddy.
I’d never had a daddy…a daddy virgin so to speak. I played with other people’s daddies. Also, random daddies at Chained, but I’d never met someone I wanted more with than that. And there were probably a thousand reasons for that I didn’t want to think too hard on, especially not when I had someone looking to play.
What are you doing?
I didn’t bother texting back. If I did, we’d be making decisions for the next hour and a half instead of having a three-minute conversation.
Hudson and I met at the coffee shop where we had both worked at one time. I was finishing college, and he was the first person I met who was a little. Not that he told me about it at the time. We were just friends, doing friend things. But when I finally got a big-boy-money job and went to Chained, there he was, and now, he was a regular playdate of mine as well as being a friend.
I hit call and wasn’t surprised when he sighed into the phone instead of saying hello.
“I texted you to avoid talking.”
“And I called you so that we could actually get together before, I don’t know, bedtime.” We’d had this conversation before.
He chuckled. “That’s fair. What are you doing today? Want to play?”
“You cut right to the chase. Well done.” I could practically hear his eyes rolling. “But, to answer your question, yeah, I’m up for a playdate. What are you thinking? Wanna come over?”
My place was small, but I had some great toys and didn’t care if we cleaned up right away. I didn’t have people spontaneously come over, and if they did, so what? I wasn’t ashamed of who I was or what I liked.
“Chained has that private party today, so we can’t hang out there till tonight. And honestly, we’re getting some freezing rain later. Maybe the weather report is wrong like yesterday, but if we are getting ice, I’d rather not be out and about.”
He didn’t need to hard-sell that. As much as I loved snow, I despised ice.
“I already talked to Scottie, and he said we could come over to his house.”
Scottie was living the dream. Not really. We all had elements of our lives that were great and elements that were not so much. But he lived in a house with other littles—no one else—and they had a huge playroom. Anytime he wanted to get little, he could just head on in there and, very often, would find somebody to play with.
“Yeah, we can do that. Let me get ready, and I’ll pick you up.”
“Okay, see you then.”
I always picked Hudson up when Bridger was out of town. I wasn’t his daddy, and I wouldn’t pretend to be, but little acts of service like that when his daddy was away seemed to mean a lot to him. So there I was.
It wasn’t quite Christmastime, but the radio stations were already playing Christmas songs, and the stores had long since had trees up, so I considered that good enough for putting on my favorite onesie. It read,All I Want For Christmas Is Santa. I threw some sweatpants over it then a button-down shirt, and tucked a few things in my bag, including my favorite reindeer slippers with a nose that lit up every time you stepped, some shorts in case it was cold, and of course, Alvin, my teddy bear.
When Hudson first met Alvin, he teased me and said it should have been a chipmunk. And he was right. I based it off the Chipmunk Christmas song I loved so much. But I was a bear kind of guy. Chipmunks were too close to mice, and mice were a hard no.
Hudson was ready when I pulled up to his place, and we drove to my favorite café to get hot chocolate on the way, grabbing one for Scottie as well. Extra sprinkles, of course.
The first time I’d come to this place was also the first time I saw Vaughn, the daddy I watched from a distance. I hadn’t known he was a daddy then. I didn’t know we worked in the same building or that he was a member of Chained. He was just a nice guy buying his partner hot chocolate with extra, extra whipped cream. He was so vibrant and alive that day I never forgot him.
It wasn’t a crush or even attraction in that kind of way. It was his energy, the joy coming off of him that called to me. It was so contagious. The simple act of making sure the hot chocolate was right for the person I later discovered was his little—that filled me with such happiness. It didn’t make sense, but what about emotions did?
Over the next year, I saw him often. Once he came on my radar, he was everywhere. I saw him passing on my way to the elevator at work, sometimes riding with him. He got off on the floor before mine. I didn’t know what he did, since there were so many different offices, but he kept a similar schedule to mine, and we often crossed paths. And then there were nights I’d see him at Chained after I could finally afford my membership. His little was cuter than cute. A couple of times, I almost went over to them and asked them to play, but it felt like I was intruding on the magic between them.
And then, one day, everything changed. I hadn’t seen him at work for a while, but it was Christmastime, and I assumed it was his vacation. But when he returned, he wasn’t the same. Every ounce of joy had been stripped from him. It wasn’t until a night at Chained when I overheard someone say that his little had passed away at Christmas that I understood why.
