“We should…” Caitlin looked out of sorts. “Talk about how that made you feel.”
“You want to know how that made me feel?” Gemma paced the length of the living room, wine sloshing in her glass as tension tightened every breath. “I’m fucking pissed, Caitlin.”
“Gem—”
“No,” she cut Caitlin off, her blood starting to boil. It was her turn to talk. “Do you have any idea how much you hurt me? How many nights I cried myself to sleep, wondering why I wasn’t enough for you? And now I feel like a fucking idiot for falling for it again.”
Caitlin walked over to Gemma and tried to wrap her arms around her.
“Don’t!” Gemma barked, pushing Caitlin away. “I don’t need you to protect me or comfort me, Caitlin. I need to protect myselffromyou.”
“I’m sorry,” Caitlin spoke softly, looking down at the empty carpet between them.
Tears pricked behind Gemma’s eyes. “You wanted to know how I feel, so there you go.”
For a moment, neither of them spoke as Gemma’s words hung heavy between them.
“Don’t you want to know how I’m feeling?” Caitlin finally asked.
No.
“Sure, go ahead,” Gemma said instead.
Caitlin’s shoulders fell as she sighed. “When I first saw you at the chemistry read, everything I’ve ever felt for you came rushing back. And then we had sex, and everything became soclear. Gemma, I never stopped—”
“No. Please don’t finish that sentence, Caitlin. It doesn’t matter, it’s never going to happen again. We were feeling vulnerable, and we made a mistake.” Gemma wasn’t sure if she was trying to convince Caitlin or herself of that.
After a long moment, Caitlin asked, “Do you want me to leave?”
Caitlin searched Gemma’s face, waiting for any indication of a response. Not finding one, she stood and headed toward the front door.
Gemma only watched. Her gaze unfocused, unable to bring herself to stop Caitlin from leaving.
As she turned the door handle, Caitlin looked back over her shoulder and said sadly, “Goodnight, Gemma. Eres mi toro.”
Gemma felt like she had just been punched in the gut. Caitlin’s parting words ripped her heart out of her chest. She let herself cry that night, tumbling through thewake of emotions Caitlin had left behind.
TWENTY-ONE
A BROKEN RECORD LOOPED THROUGHCaitlin’s head, every song circling back to Gemma’s scathing accusation.
No, it hadn’t been a mistake.
Caitlin knew what she had felt. No matter what had happened between them ten years ago, being intimate with Gemma again had made her feel complete. Like she had finally come home.
It hadn’t been a mistake.
She didn’t care what Gemma said. Caitlin had only kissed her, she hadn’t pushed. Gemma had been the one to want more, the one who had shoved Caitlin onto the sofa and taken what she wanted. She had seen the look in Gemma’s eyes.
It hadn’t been a mistake.
Starting Monday, Caitlin began to bring Gemma fresh coffee every morning from Bean Up, the café a block down from her hotel. An oat milk latte with two pumps of vanilla.
Every time, Gemma seemed shocked that Caitlin still remembered the exact way she liked her coffee. As if Caitlin had ever been able to forget a single detail about Gemma. She didn’t tell her that she still made her own coffee the same way at home.
Throughout the week, Caitlin would sneak into Gemma’strailer when she wasn’t around, tucking a Post-it Note or two into places Gemma would discover later. They held tidbits of old inside jokes, earning Caitlin the occasional ambivalent lunch invite.
Caitlin was determined to show Gemma that she wouldn’t give up. She wasn’t going to walk away from her again.
