They each took one last sip of their wine before placing the glasses safely off to the side.
After about thirty-five minutes on the metal pads, two empty glasses now between them, Gemma found herself watching Caitlin in admiration. She had completely surprised Gemma, making her twenty-ninth birthday the most magical oneyet.
Turning to gloat after her latest victory, Caitlin’s eyes connected with Gemma’s. The rose-colored nostalgia cracked as Gemma read the longing in Caitlin’s face. A deep-seated panic swelled in her chest.
A voice, her own, begged her body to run. This was how it always started. And Gemma didn’t think she could survive another ending. She had to get out of there.
“Holy shit, you’re Caitlin Stone!”
They both turned to see a teenage girl, shouting and pointing in Caitlin’s direction. She rushed toward them.
“I’m your biggest fan. You were my gay awakening.” She gushed, before turning bright red.
Gemma and Caitlin couldn’t help but burst into giggles. Gemma didn’t blame the girl, Caitlin had been part of her own queer journey, too.
“Could I get a picture with you? Please?” The girl added shyly.
Caitlin posed for a selfie with the young fan, a warm, genuine smile on her face, before she returned to Gemma’s side and whispered into her ear, “Come on, let’s get out of here. I’ll take you home.”
Gemma felt a quiet melancholy at the night coming to a close, but when Caitlin’s hand fell to the small of her back again to guide her out of the arcade, she surrendered and melted into the touch.
The drive back to Gemma’s place was hushed. When they arrived, Caitlin insisted on walking her up to her apartment.
After the week they had just lived through together, Gemma couldn’t figure out how to say goodbye. The night hadn’t particularly felt like a date… until that moment. Did Caitlin plan on kissing her goodnight? Did Gemma even want her to? She was out of time to figure it out, she realized, as her front door came into view.
“I had a lot of fun with you tonight,” Caitlin spoke up, thankfully, taking the lead.
“Me too.” It had been a lot more fun than Gemma was willing to admit.
“Whenever you feel ready, let’s sit down and really talk. Until then, I want you to know I’m here, and I still care.” Caitlin leaned in, and Gemma froze as Caitlin’s lips lightly brushed her cheek. “Goodnight, Gemma. Happy birthday,” she whispered softly.
A familiar flutter rose in Gemma’s stomach.
“Goodnight, Caitlin. And thank you.” Gemma didn’t want the moment to end. Before Caitlin could disappear down the hallway, Gemma called out, “Hey capitana. Eres mi toro.”
Caitlin spun on her heels, eyebrows arched and eyes so wide that Gemma could see more white than blue. The silly old phrase had slipped out as Gemma had wished for just one more second with Caitlin. She wasn’t sure who wore the greater look of shock now.
Feeling suddenly exposed, Gemma quickly unlocked her door and vanished inside the safety of her apartment. Leaning back against the locked barrier, Gemma let out a breath and sank all the way to the floor.
She climbed to her feet and made her way into her bedroom. Gemma threw herself down on her bed, slinging one arm over her eyes.
Her feelings lay scattered around her like metal jacks, sharp and disordered. The last five days had felt like a fever dream, half movie and half reality. The problem was that she had trouble finding the line between the two. Seeing the old Caitlin she had known resurface in sudden, painful glimpses—the Caitlin she had fallen in love with. But she had also witnessed the gentler, refined, and more self-assured woman that Caitlinhad become. Gemma was left stunned by how much could change and remain the same all at once.
Her heart begged her to stop, even as her feet began moving toward her closet. Her chest tightened as she carefully lowered a dust-coated plastic box from its hiding place on a high corner shelf.
The box, locked long ago with an imaginary key, now dared Gemma to open it. She recalled the dark nights in college when she had wanted to burn everything inside. Shockingly, Hayley had been the voice of reason on those nights, knowing that Gemma would one day regret it. Now, here she was, gripping the handles on either side of the lid, grateful for Hayley’s interference.
Gemma knew it would be reckless to go through this bin when her emotions were already in a tailspin, but she couldn’t stop herself from ripping the top off.
Years of cherished memories came flooding back. A stack of old photo booth pictures sat on the top of the pile inside. Gemma thumbed through the photo strips. Two girls side-by-side, making goofy faces, kissing through smiles, and trading secret glances. They wore love like a second skin, glowing andobvious.
Gemma placed the pictures aside, spying a faded lilac Westmore Cheerleading T-shirt. Caitlin had let her borrow the shirt during their first sleepover together. Gemma had worn it home the next morning, ultimately laying claim to it. On the nights she had to sleep without Caitlin by her side, Gemma would wrap herself in her T-shirt instead.
She closed her eyes as she inhaled the soft fabric. The floral perfume had faded, but the scent rose to Gemma’s mind regardless, etched into her memory. When she opened her eyes again, Gemma spotted a ribbon-tied stack of letters she had saved. She slipped off the black top she had been wearing and replaced it with the soft lilac T-shirt.
One by one, she began to unfold the small, handwritten notes they had passed back and forth throughout school. Stuck to the backsides of some of the scraps were colorful Post-it Notes that they had hidden for each other throughout their shared dorm at UPenn.
Hurry back from class, I miss you already.
