Caitlin kicked herself for continuing to sit there, knowing that her presence was only egging Gemma on further. What an absolute disaster the night had turned into. It was as if Caitlin had been observing a car crash unfold in slow motion right before her eyes, unable to turn away. She set her empty glass on the table and rushed out of the bar, her heart thudding.
Within a few minutes, Caitlin stood panting as she locked the deadbolt on her hotel door. So much for getting Gemma off her mind before bed.
ELEVEN
THE NEXT MORNING WOULD MARKthe first day of filming with Caitlin, and Gemma was a mess of nerves. She could play the tough girl act all she wanted, but the truth was, Caitlin’s sudden reappearance in New York had rattled her to her core. The bigger shock had come with the realization that she didn’t hate Caitlin. Not even after everything. She tried. God, she’d tried. But the feeling just wouldn’t stick.
Caitlin had been the first and only woman that Gemma had ever truly loved. It had taken her longer to move on from Caitlin than she liked to admit, but when there had been no other choice, Gemma had forced herself to keep moving forward. Being back in Caitlin’s presence now, breathing the same air, was evoking so many emotions. The warmth of old affection rose alongside the fresh sting of anger and grief. So much had changed, yet it felt as if nothing truly had. Sure, time had passed. But the emotions had still been right there, waiting.
Gemma needed to separate her personal feelings toward Caitlin from this movie and quickly. As much as it pained her, opening up to Caitlin about the heartache she still harbored might ease some of the tension between them. It might clear the air, help them shape this movie into something they could bothbe proud of. But to get there, Gemma would have to face Caitlin and find a way to reconnect. She wasn’t sure that her heart was ready for that yet.
In the meantime, tonight would be her last night free for a while, so she had decided to give Tara a call. The two of them had fallen into a pattern of drinking and sex. Gemma had slipped into an easy rhythm with the woman, light and uncomplicated. Whenever able, the two would meet for a few drinks, share flirty touches and laughter, then return to Gemma’s bed together. She couldn’t imagine feeling anything deeper for Tara, but whatever they had together seemed to suit them both right now.
As Gemma walked into the already-crowded bar that night to meet Tara, she found herself instantly regretting her decision. She should have stayed at home, nestled into her couch in sweatpants with a glass of wine and some takeout. Now that she thought about it, Pad Thaididsound good.
Debating whether or not she should make a break for it and text Tara that she wasn’t feeling well, she spotted Tara, waving from the other side of the room. Gemma made her way over and loosely wrapped her arms around Tara before taking the empty stool beside her.
Two glasses of red wine sat on the ledge along the window waiting. Gemma appreciated that Tara had taken the initiative of ordering for them, but she really needed something a little stronger tonight.
The conversation felt even thinner than the burgundy liquid in their glasses. The usual exchanges of “How are you?” and “How’s work been?” played out like a tired script. It was the same dull opening as every other time they had met. Gemma found her attention drifting, unable to stay in the moment. Suddenly, the thought of another meaningless night with this woman felt unbearable.
Her eyes were watching Tara as she talked, sipping on herdrink, but Gemma wasn’t listening. She was thinking about Caitlin—wondering how it was possible that after all these years, she still took Gemma’s breath away. Adult Caitlin had more definition, eyes that were slightly deeper blue now and filled with more life. And she had a gentleness to her that Gemma hadn’t remembered.
She had missed Caitlin more than she was willing to acknowledge and seeing her again had stirred something warm yet aching within her. She was trying desperately to keepthattruth buried. Their history had been sealed away, tucked deep into the recesses of her memory like a locked vault she had never meant to open. But now, being in Caitlin’s orbit again, she felt the latch give way. Her current longing grappled with old wounds that hadn’t quite healed. It felt like she was stepping into the sea at high tide, only to realize too late that a rip current was dragging her beneath the surface.
Gemma was about to call it a night once their drinks were finished. Suddenly, Tara let loose an ear-piercing squeal and jumped out of her seat, scaring the shit out of her. Gemma turned and watched as Tara headed toward the center of the room, her focus locked onto someone sitting alone at a table. The person wasn’t visible to Gemma at first, blocked by Tara’s body, but as the two turned to pose for a selfie, her stomach dropped.
Gemma pressed her hands to her eyes and rubbed, maybe a bit too hard, sure that she was hallucinating. Nope. Still there.
It was Caitlin, sitting on a sofa by herself. Of course, Tara would be a Caitlin Stone fan. Gemma rolled her eyes, continuing to watch this interaction between her date and her ex. How long had Caitlin been there? Had she seen her before this moment? Had she been able to tell that Gemma had been thinking about her while on a date with another woman?
Their eyes locked just then, and Gemma abruptly turned to face out the window.
When Tara returned to her seat, Gemma inched her own stool closer. She observed the joy lighting up Tara’s face from the chance to meet a celebrity that she admired, and it struck a nerve. This was her date, not Caitlin’s, and she refused to be upstaged.
With a glance over her shoulder to make sure that Caitlin’s eyes were still fixed on her, Gemma leaned in to whisper in Tara’s ear, gripping the woman’s thigh and hoping that Tara’s face would put on a good show for Caitlin.
After a few more giggles and flirty touches, Gemma peeked over her shoulder again, only to find that the sofa was now empty. She wondered at what point Caitlin had left.
Deflating, Gemma removed her hand from Tara’s leg and leaned back.
“Is everything okay?” Tara asked, noticing the change in Gemma’s demeanor.
In that moment, Gemma realized that she had just used Tara for her own revenge, and she felt horrible. Tara deserved better than that, and she knew it. It was time to end this.
“Tara… look. I’ve had a lot of fun spending time with you, but I know I’ve been preoccupied lately. It wouldn’t be fair of me to keep this going between us.” She felt like such a jerk.
“Oh. Alright. No, that’s fine. If this is too much for you right now, we can stop,” Tara said, taken aback but seemingly not upset.
“Yeah, I think I just need to focus on work right now. I’m sorry, and I do hope we can still be friends.” Gemma recited the script that she had used countless times, feeling the familiar mask of feigned regret slipping across her face.
Understanding, Tara nodded and gave Gemma a soft smile.
After paying the bill, Gemma walked Tara out into the cool night air. They shared a brief hug, saying little, and went their separate ways.
THE DAY GEMMA HAD BEENdreading came quicker than she anticipated. Her list of stressors was growing fast lately, and they all seemed to stem from Caitlin.
Gemma walked to set that morning, needing some fresh air and warm sun on her face. While she sipped a strong brew of coffee out of her Yeti, Gemma tried her best to prepare herself for the day ahead. She needed to shake off the past for now and the anxiety that clung to it. She was one hell of an actress, and it was time to show everyone, including her ex-girlfriend and herself.
