“By sixteen, I knew. I knew I was gay.”
The word feels softer saying it now. Less sharp.
“I also knew I could never tell anyone. Not him. Not my teammates. Not anyone.”
My laugh is bitter.
“A gay soccer star? That doesn’t exist in my dad’s world. Or anyone else’s world. So I buried it. I pretended harder. Built this version of myself that no one could question.”
I wipe my face, but the tears keep coming.
“I prayed to be normal,” I admit.
“I begged whatever god was listening to just… fix me. Make me like girls the way I was supposed to.”
My voice drops.
“And when that didn’t work… there were nights I thought maybe everyone would be better off without me. I thought about killing myself. Like I didn’t deserve to be here at all. Like if anyone knew who I truly am, everyone would hate me, and be ashamed of knowing me, so I thought, maybe I should kill myself, so I could save them the embarassment of being related to me in any way. Plus… not like anyone would’ve missed me. Everyone would’ve been better off if I wasn't born in the first place. ”
I close my eyes, the memory still too close.
“Then I met you.”
I finally look at Jamie, and my chest hurts worse than before.
“The first time I saw you, something inside me shifted. I felt it immediately.”
I smile weakly.
“And I hated myself for it. Because I wanted you. And I knew I couldn’t. I couldn’t eventalkto you.”
I shake my head.
“So I did what I always do. I hid. I acted like an asshole. I played the role everyone expected—frat boy, rich kid, bully. I dated your friend because it was the only way I could be near you without anyone suspecting anything.”
My voice breaks again.
“Every time I hurt you… I’m so sorry. I was scared. And alone. And you were the easiest target for all that self-hatred.”
I sniff, dragging in a breath.
“When you didn’t out me—when you didn’t use it against me—I didn’t understand it. I didn’t deserve your kindness. I still don’t.”
I calm myself, just enough to keep going.
“This… masked monster,” I say softly.
“That was the only version of me that wasn’t afraid. He didn’t care what anyone thought. He was in control. He was everything I wasn’t brave enough to be.”
My lips tremble.
“I was terrified you’d never love the real me. The miserable, messy, broken parts. All the ugly parts of me that I had to hide.”
I reach for Jamie’s hand, gripping it like an anchor.
“But you do,” I whisper.
“And I don’t know what I did to deserve you, baby. I don’t know how I got this lucky.”
