Clearly I’m not the only one who has noticed that Alexander’s eating habits are carnal.
“Some people choke under pressure—you choke on carbs.” The wry smile on my face gets a side eye and a shake of the head from Alexander.
“Too soon?” The smile drops from my face.
“Too soon,” he says, grabbing another french fry, this time chewing more slowly. “How do you know what it’s like to feel responsible for someone’s death?” His brows furrow as he cuts another piece off of his steak.
“The night I came out to my parents, it didn’t go too well. My dad told me, in no uncertain terms,I’ll not have a faggot for a son living under my roof,and then stormed out. That was the last time I saw him alive. He went to the pub and ended up falling down a flight of stairs. He was dead by the time we got to the hospital.” My shoulders slump and I let the air out of my lungs.
Alexander holds his fork up to his mouth, pauses, and returns it to his plate.
“He said that to you? I’m so sorry.” He shakes his head in disbelief.
I nod in affirmation.
“Yeah, and what’s worse, my mum blames me for his death. It’s not bad enough that I feel guilty as it is. She had to stick the boot in.If you’d only kept your mouth shut, your dad would still be here,” I say, mimicking her tone. A pang in my chest forces me to draw a breath before continuing. “The rational part of my head knows it was my dad’s drinking that caused it. But the brain isn’t rational. No matter how much therapy I’ve done, I can’t seem to stop blaming myself and my sexuality for it.”
There’s a stinging sensation in my eyes as they cloud over.
“That’s why I broke up with my ex, Ryan. Why I took thecompany transfer to LA. I’ve realized I can’t outrun my problems. They invariably catch up with me. But I do know this.” I wipe my eyes as I turn to face Alex. “The solution to the problem isn’t at the bottom of a bottle. As fun as it is to escape your mind or lose your inhibitions, it doesn’t help in the end.”
A look of remorse comes over Alexander’s face as he begins to fidget with his watch.
“I know,” he says. His gaze meets mine before drifting back to his watch. “I am swearing off alcohol. I just need a break from everything.” His shoulders slump like the weight of the world is on them.
And I don’t want to add to it.
To make this conversation any heavier than it needs to be.
“I get why you have trust issues. I would too if I had everyone wanting to know my business. I don’t truly blame you for getting that dossier done, which was pretty extensive by the way.” I lift my left eyebrow. “I just hope that moving forward, if you need to know something, you’ll come to me first. That’s all I ask.”
I reach for his chin, lifting it and turning his face to meet mine.
“I will. I promise,” he says, lifting his hand to cover mine.
And for some reason, I let myself fully relax. The touch of his hand, the tenderness in his voice, shifts something inside of me.
Like the turning of the tide.
Like I’m being pulled toward him, rather than pushed away.
And if I let myself, I know I’ll get swept up in him.
That this could be the turning point in our relationship.
“So, who’s this Ryan guy then? Do I need to be concerned?” Alexander breaks the moment to grab one of the last remaining french fries.
“Of Ryan?” I shake my head at the mere notion of Alexanderbeing jealous of him. “Sure, I really enjoyed the thrill of the weekly emotional breakdowns he put me through.”
I’ve had years to perform an extensive postmortem on our relationship, and the results come back conclusive every time: poisonous.
Wednesday
My vision slowly comes into focus as I feel the weight of Alexander’s arm across my chest. It’s a feeling that’s oddly comforting, given my penchant for wanting my own space in bed. He looks so peaceful, his eyes flickering underneath his eyelids, the stray blond highlights in his hair shooting in all different directions, that I don’t want to disturb him. But I need to get going.
I remove the noise cancellation earbuds he lent me, and stretch out my arm to reach for my phone. The slight movement wakes Alexander.
“Morning.” His voice is sleepy in my ear as he kisses the back of my head.
