“A’right, I’ll leave – but I’m comin’ back, y’hear? I’m not gonna let ya rot.”
Declan didn’t respond and I let John-Francis usher me back out the way we came. As we exited the cottage, I was glad to be back out in the fresh air. Something about that house set me on edge, somehow insidious. It was tainted with pain and suffering.
We got back in the van, but John-Francis didn’t pull off immediately and I gazed at him. He looked haunted, those lovely grey eyes almost vacant as he watched the house for a moment longer. When his attention flickered to me, I cast him a soft smile.
“Let me get a look at ya, now,” he murmured, taking my chin and tilting my face this way and that as he inspected me for damage.
“I’m alright, like. Coulda been worse.”
John-Francis sighed, releasing me to run a hand through his hair. “Sorry. If I’d known he was in such a state I’d not have brought ya, now.”
“Y’needed help. I wanted t’ be here,” I replied, heart swelling when he held my gaze and smiled. There was no light behind it this time, sadness and worry radiating from him.
“C’mon, let’s head on back. Maybe ya ma will have an idea o’ how t’ get through t’ Dec, aye?” He turned the key in the ignition, the van rumbling to life.
Just the mention of my ma had my gut in a knot. Jaysus, with all this shite John-Francis was already going through, how the fuck was I going to break the news that we were moving on? WasImoving on? I didn’t know, and I didn’t have much time to figure things out neither.
I managed to hold my tongue until we arrived back at the camp, but my unspoken worries were like a dark cloud lingering over me. We clambered down from the van, but as John-Francis went to head on over to my place, I hesitated.
He looked back at me with a quizzical frown. “Y’comin’?”
I scrubbed a hand down my face. “Can we talk first? Got somethin’ I need t’ tell ya.”
John-Francis paled, his face falling. In an instant he turned back, closing in on me. “What’s goin’ on? Y’alright, aye?”
“Aye…” I faltered with a sad laugh. “Well, no, but– Look, let’s go inside a minute?”
He followed behind me in silence, and I could almost feel his mood blackening further. It made me nauseous knowing the worry I was causing him, but I knew until we talked about this, we wouldn’t be able to move forward. I stepped aside for John-Francis to unlock his door, and we hopped up inside. As soon as the door was shut, he was on me.
“What’s goin’ on, Ronan?”
“Ma an’ Darragh are packin’ up. They’re makin’ a move later today. Too much goin’ on wi’ the filth hangin’ ‘round. Y’know how it is,” I mumbled.
John-Francis didn’t speak but nodded his understanding. Both of us remained quiet for a long moment, my words sinking in. I’d gotten so lost in my thoughts that I flinched when John-Francis spoke, his deep voice shattering the silence.
“Feck,” he sighed.
“I… I want t’ stay here wi’ ya,” I said, praying my voice held steady. “If ya’d have me, like.”
“Y’can’t, Ronan.”
Those words cut me like a knife and I stilled, frozen in place. My heart was thundering, stomach churning. Everything suddenly felt far away.
“Don’t be misunderstandin’ me, now,” John-Francis continued. “Feck, I want y’ta. More than anythin’, but y’can’t stay here. not wi’ everythin’ the way it is.”
“But—”
To my surprise, John-Francis held up a hand to silence me. “Y’need t’ stay wi’ ya ma. Believe me when I say y’luckier than y’know. Don’t turn y’back on y’family. not f’anythin’.”
I stared at my feet, startling when John-Francis reached out and grabbed my face, forcing me to look up at him. The emotion behind his eyes blazed ferociously and I felt my throat growing dry and tight in response.
Feck, don’t ya dare start cryin’. Hold it together, now.
“I can’t come wi’ ya. Not yet. Not wi’ Declan in feckin’ pieces,” John-Francis murmured softly.
When his hand trailed around to my nape, I allowed him to drag me in closer, and he stooped to bring our foreheads together. We gazed into one another’s eyes.
“Go,” John-Francis whispered, voice gravelly as he failed to hold back his grief. “Go wi’ ya ma and Darragh, but y’best be believin’ I’ll be comin’ f’ya the second I feckin’ can, now.”
