There was a long pause, but I couldn’t bring myself to look back at Rowan. Just as I had begun to worry I had offended him, he spoke. “How many more have I got booked in for today?”
“Um,” I glanced down the list. “Two – Mr Timothy Granger and Mr Fredrick James.”
“Excellent, send the next one in.”
He didn’t need to ask me twice. Eager to escape the tension, I rushed from the room. My eyes looked anywhere but at Rowan as I passed by.
???
Before I knew it, a few months had passed in a blur and I felt like I’d finally settled into my new job at Avenhill. After a rocky start, I finally had my routine down. With Rowan’s rota, I hadn’t let him down again – always ensuring the room was prepped for his day ahead well in advance. I had even begun to spot areas in which we could improve and got to work implementing minor changes that made the whole surgery run smoother. Rowan was impressed – and he told me often. I couldn’t deny it had become a compulsion of mine to please him.
Work successes aside, I had also begun to settle in with the team. Becca had started to invite me to lunch with her every day and it hadn’t taken long for us to become firm friends. Even after such a short space of time, she seemed to fill a small hole in my life I hadn’t known was there.
Whilst I didn’t make a habit of outing myself unnecessarily, I had decided to tell Becca I was gay early on, fearing it may cause some confusion further down the line if I didn’t. She had been surprised, but supportive – perhaps overly so, on occasion. I found myself confiding in Becca a lot and today was to be no exception.
Though it was cold out, the sun was shining. Thinking to make the most of the clement weather, Becca and I had made a short walk to a nearby park for our lunch break.
“I think I’m in trouble,” I admitted to her, slumping forwards onto the plastic picnic bench we were eating at.
“Oh, no, what now?” she asked, taking a large bite of her sandwich.
“I have theserioushots for my boss.”
Becca coughed, her eyes widening as she inhaled her mouthful. “Rowan?” she spluttered.
“I know,” I grumbled, reaching across and helping myself to a crisp from the packet she had open next to her.
“You don’t like to make things easy for yourself, do you? So, what’re you going to do about it?” Becca croaked, taking a sip from her bottled water.
“Fuck all,” I snorted. “Even if he wasn’t my boss, the man ismarried,Becca, with a daughter.”
“So?” she stated plainly.
I found myself just staring blankly at her. “So?” I laughed. “Is that all you have to say? So – he isn’t interested in men. If he were, he wouldn’t be married to awomanwith whom he has had sex in order to have the child he now possesses.”
“He could be bi, y’know,” Becca muttered. “But I see your point.”
“I don’t see Rowan being that kinda guy, do you?” I asked.
“I guess not.” Becca sighed sadly.
“I’m such a terrible person,” I groaned. “I keep thinking maybe I’ll get over it, but every day I spend with him it just gets worse. I’m just feeling so...” I trailed off.
“Worn out?” Becca filled in. “It shows, to be honest. You look tired.”
“Great,” I replied sarcastically. “I can’t be torn up about this and look good at the same time?”
“Apparently not.”
“Well, fuck.”
Were my restless nights really that obvious? It had become a regular occurrence that I tossed and turned, my mind tormenting me with thoughts of Rowan. If it wasn’t fantasies, it was anxiety – worrying about what would happen if he were to find out about my crush, panicking that I had forgotten something important at work and would let him down again... It was exhausting.
We walked slowly back to the surgery together, and I was relieved to change the subject. Becca hopped up onto a wall and did a tightrope walk down its length.
“Oh, hey, do you fancy a movie night tonight?” she asked.
“I dunno.”
