We stare out across the lawn, my thoughts turning toward Elise. She used to do that kind of thing. Small gestures that went a long way. Whenever she poured herself a glass of water, she made one for me too. The instant ramen cups she hated but always kept a stash of them around because she knew I preferred them over the good stuff.
“...I cried pretty hard after she left. She didn’t say anything, she just left. And I know I made it hard on her. She was right to leave, but it still hurt,” I say, looking at the window, gauzy curtains filtering the last light of evening through them. “I think I stayed in bed for days.”
I glance at Aiden, whose face is contemplative. “Did you throw up, though?”
“After trying to drown my sorrows, probably. I don’t remember.”
“Well, if I loved my Pokémon cards more than you loved her, maybe it wasn’t meant to be, ya dingus.”
“I think you’ve blocked out the part where you stuffed your face with a dozen saltines covered in cream cheese first.”
“Oh. Yeah. Did you know Elise has a bougie recipe for that? It’s so good. She’s made it for my birthday like three times now. Seriously, you’re not allowed to do anything that’s going to jeopardize that.”
“That’s all it takes, huh? A lifetime of brotherly love for some Boursin on crackers?” I chide him and move back to the couch he’s on. I nudge him over with my foot, and he sticks a pillow between us, as if that’ll shield him. He mutters something about it not just being Boursin.
This particular couch isn’t all that long, so I end up folding my legs up on the couch between us instead of stretching out.
I can’t bear to think of our relationship as a complete mistake, but there’s plenty I regret. Back then I was young and just stupid and hubristic enough to think I could make it work with a human, that she would never have to know.
Of course, it didn’t work. Of course, it all went the way my parents said it would, and I’d been too proud to admit that, to return home at all.
And here I was, still too proud to tell her.
I’d hoped I wouldn’t have to show her the worst parts of myself; that I could bury it. Perhaps that was the problem at the root of it, that you can’t really be known and loved if you hide half of yourself away.
I’ve turned these thoughts over hundreds, maybe thousands, of times in my head. I don’t think I’ve ever said them out loud before, because they sound just as selfish as the first time I thought them.
“I just wish...I don’t know. Maybe that she would have tried to stay. Choosing her over you guys was the hardest thing I ever did. And the minute it got difficult for her, she was gone.”
“I think it’s ok to feel like that, even if it’s not fair to put that burden on her,” Aiden says, surprising me. I watch him as he takes another printout of place cards, the scissors carefully gliding through the page.
“We all want someone to choose us, at the end of the day. But I think because our family put you in a difficult position, you didn’t really choose her either. You could have told her what was really going on and given her a chance to choose all of you. But you hid behind our rules, because you didn’t think she’d stay if she knew what you were.”
I stare several moments at my brother, increasingly concerned that one of us is having an aneurysm or something. “What the fuck, dude.”
“Oh, did you miss the part where she’s one of my friends, and this is what she yells at the TV on movie nights? It’s been real obvious to me, the whole time.”
“Yeah, I guess I did miss that part. I don’t think I was physically here for it.”
The heavy back door creaks open, and Logan stands on the precipice, threading his arms through a jacket. He nods to the both of us, “I’m heading down to the catacombs, you want a ride?”
I blink. We haven’t called the brewery’s basement that in ages. I would be surprised if the graves of Aiden’s many deceased goldfish are even there anymore, our mom always did hate that he kept burying them in the basement’s dirt floor.
“It’s not even the full moon yet,” I complain with a glance to the window, its ghostly shape creeping up in the sky. “And we’re not kids anymore, we have some control now.”
“You think you do.”
Ladies and gents, my brother. He knows how to kill a vibe wherever he goes.
Logan doesn’t look like the responsible type, with his long hair, piercings, and tattoos, a visual rebellion no matter what detail you stop on. But his default demeanor has clearly changed. He just always seems like he’s waiting for me to be done with my bullshit.
He’s right, but I don’t want him to know he’s right. I don’t know how I’m going to make it through the next few days. I’ve been doing a pretty terrible job of leaving Elise alone. We’re almost to the wedding, and almost to the full moon. But with all the wolf sightings and rumored animal attacks, if one of us is starting to turn feral...
I can’t imagine it’s either of them, they both seem so normal. Well, as normal as any of us have ever been. If it were me, wouldn’t I be able to tell that something’s wrong? At least, besides everything else that has been messed up lately.
Logan scoops up a six pack of cans with the Aconite Ales branding that I hadn’t noticed on the floor before. “C’mon, I’m leaving. We’ve been experimenting with a honeysuckle and aconite blend. It’s got a more traditional ale flavor profile, less of the aconite’s bitterness.”
“Look, he thinks he’s going to lure us into the basement with a new flavor of ale,” I scoff to Aiden. If there’s one purpose I have in life, it is to annoy Logan.
