“We haven’t talked in years because I disapproved of his marriage when it happened. But that doesn’t mean I want him to be unfaithful to her. And for that much...respectfully of your feelings and hers. Please don’t be one of his mistakes.”
I think my ex-mother-in-law just asked me not to help my ex-husband cheat on me. Ok, now she can absolutely never know because I’m not going to be able to explain that.
I’m quiet for several moments. It softens something in my chest to hear that she cares in that small, weird way.
Deanna glances at me, eyeing my lack of a reaction. She shakes her head a little, staring off into the cool gray afternoon, and then smiles to herself. “Don’t worry, I’ll lecture him too.”
I nod. Glad we’re both getting this talk.
For a moment, I let myself stand outside and just enjoy that moment, the easiness between us that existed, before Shawn showed up and upended everything.
I used to believe that Shawn’s mother could only be cold and unfeeling, and it was hard to see why he still wanted to be in contact with his family.
But I know Deanna, and I can see it all together now. She’s not like that.
I also know there are no more pictures of Shawn around the house, and that makes my heart break for him.
I’ve barely said a word this whole conversation, and the words that are waiting, heavy in my chest, are all that I have. I can’t ask her. I have to. I need to know, even if it doesn’t seem like it should be my business.
“Why didn’t you approve of her?”
Deanna’s gaze grows distant, and I wish I could see what she does. “I’m not sure it even matters any more. I wanted to keep him close to home, and all I did was push him away, and lose years we could have had. I thought we might patch things up after his father passed away...but he wouldn’t even attend the funeral. And now that he’s home again, I’m falling into old habits. All I do is pick fights.”
It’s not the answer I’d hoped for, though, honestly, I’m not sure what I wanted her to say.
She pauses a moment, running a hand through that perfectly coifed bun she always wears, raking a path of destruction through the neatness. “Maybe if I hadn’t reacted the way I did, I could have eventually convinced him to move closer to home. Perhaps there’d be grandchildren. I’d retire and become a nanny. But she was a Baptist, and that was supposedly worth sacrificing a whole future for.”
Non-practicing Presbyterian, but whatever.
She gives a short laugh, not cold or sharp, but warm and wry, like she can’t believe herself. It pricks something terribly painful in my heart to imagine that.
“That is the problem with babies. You think you’re going to teach them anything, but, truthfully, I think they make up theirminds on who they are before they learn to talk. And when they’re adults, all you can do is hope they’ll make the right decisions. I wish I’d known that when I first had them.”
“Oldest siblings are always the practice child,” I joke ruefully, and it pinches something awful in my chest. That was one of the first things Shawn and I connected over.
Deanna grimaces, but I can see it’s to fight a smile. “Before Logan and Aiden were born, I took Shawn to the beach. He was maybe two years old. I had so many fond memories of going there with my sister. We started building a sandcastle too close to the tide, so the water would fill the moat. But a wave pushed us over and I wanted to keep his head above the water. I didn’t even see the way I held on too hard until we went back to the car; I left all these bleeding nail marks in his arm.”
She pauses for a long moment, letting herself grimace and cringe at the memory. “Not the first or the last time I felt like a bad mother. You hold on that tight, you leave claw marks.”
I can hear it in her voice, how the pain of one tragedy is so much you can’t but create more.
Then she gives herself a little shake, stepping away from her memories. “I’m sorry, I’ve kept you out here far longer than you probably intended. You don’t need to keep listening to me ramble—”
“—I couldn’t get my mom to call me back,” I blurt out, confessing to her. “And I think I’m finally ready to stop trying. But Shawn came back home to see his brother get married. I think that means you’ve still got a chance to repair things.”
She holds me in her gaze, and I think I see her eyes become glassy with emotion. Then the door next to us pushes openagain, breaking whatever moment we were having as another brewery employee brushes past us.
“Um, I was just stepping outside for a moment, anyway. Fresh air,” I tell her, taking a quick step away. Deanna nods, as I grab the door while it’s swinging shut to head back inside.
I glance at Deanna, but she gives her head a little shake, indicating she means to stay outside a little longer.
“Fresh air and better signal. For some reason, inside the brewery it’s downright awful,” she sighs, taking her phone out of her pocket. She leans against the platform railing with it before her, some brightly colored app on the screen. Even the boss needs her match-three games.
“Don’t tell the boys,” Deanna says in a conspiratorial undertone, quirking an eyebrow. “I used to give them so much grief over their video games.”
I can’t help but smile back and imagine what that was like.
17
