We fall quiet for a moment, neither of us brave enough to make eye contact for more than a second, and both of us too unsure of what to say next.
This may be my best chance to apologize, I think. It’s not ideal. With so many people around us, it might be a little weird to try to bare my heart to him.
“I wanted to—”
“Confidence is a good look on you,” he says at the same time I start to speak.
My eyes go wide, and I immediately drop whatever I was trying to say. “Sorry?”
Vlad shrugs, scratching the back of his neck. “You seem...happier.”
“Oh,” I nod. I was really hoping maybe there would be more to that thought, but he doesn’t elaborate. “Um, I’m trying to be.”
I don’t know if that makes sense, really. Suddenly, I’ve forgotten how to ramble explanations. Something, something, isolation, anxiety, and self-fulfilling prophecies and all that. I don’t know if that’s really enough to explain it.
Another beat of silence passes while I’m thinking, searching for the right words.
“What were you going to say before?” Vlad asks, and I lose whatever courage I had managed to gather.
I don’t know that I can do this, actually.
“Um, there was a booth I wanted to look for. I heard they were giving away free lattes.”
The unsureness of the moment stops me from pushing further. If I press too hard on this fragile aching between us, I might break what we have.
The rest of the day at the tradeshow goes similarly. Every little interaction with Vlad is just a little awkward, but they add up, our cooled off relationship warming up just a degree at a time.
It's something, but it's hard not to feel just a little impatient. We don't have a seemingly never-ending trip ahead of us. Tomorrow is a half day of the trade show before we have to pack up the booth and go home.
Like last time, it's more of an event for our people in Sales and business development, and I quickly find there's not much for me to do besides pretend to be interested in our pop-up banners. Kathy enlists me in setting out more copies of our product catalog, table tents with product information, and a CTA to join our mailing list.
As Janice is locking up the products in the under-counter cabinets, she turns to me and says, “A few of us are going out for karaoke, did you want to come with us?”
I blink at her a couple times. She wasn't at the retreat, I suppose, and wouldn't know I avoided the group outings as much as possible.
But then again, I'm here to be with people. I'd rather have a chance to talk with Vlad there than a night in by myself, and even if he isn't there, I need to be around people instead of curling up and hating how lonely I feel.
“All of us?” I ask and try to not glance too obviously towards Vlad.
“Yeah, everyone. There's not that many of us on this trip.”
The karaoke bar is right across the street from our hotel, making it absurdly easy to say yes. I let Lily make a show of trying to physically drag me across the street with her, but I don't put up much resistance.
It's a little nicer than other karaoke places I've been to, with separate rooms for small parties. We pile in the room, and I end up in a seat between Janice and Kathy, a little squished together. The table is wet from just being cleaned, and the ice in our drinks attracts condensation almost immediately.
Deanna immediately monopolizes the microphone for the first few songs, nudging people into duets with her. It's loud and unabashed, spilling out into the hallway because the waiter who delivered our drinks left the heavy, sound-proof door open.
“It's nice that you can only make a fool of yourself in front of the people you know, instead of strangers,” Soven jokes as he gets up to close it, but the lighthearted effect is somewhat ruined by the general ominous nature he brings everywhere with him.
“Yeah, it’s really important I only embarrass myself in front of all of you,” I start to add in response as I pass by him, but the humor leaves my words halfway through. It's not really a joke.
I really only want to be a fool and embarrassing in front of people I know and am fond of. Well, maybe except Deanna, she doesn't really meet the criteria. I mean, most coworkers are often little more than strangers. Do I really care what they think of me that much?
The things that I wince at myself for seem less end-of-the-world when I'm around people I enjoy. And when I really think about it, the people who have repeatedly seen me at my worst or weirdest and stuck with me through those moments are also the people I feel safest around. It's hard not to think about meeting Vlad in the airport, and how much I couldn't wait to be rid of him then.
I glance across the booth to Vlad, looking fully at him instead of the glances I'd been stealing. I see him studying me, his body language attuned towards mine.
Evil Overlord, I have been such a fool.
