Tears slip down my face, and even as I brush the corner of my sleeves at them, more follow. I fight against the way the corners of my mouth pull down against my will, and then the first gasp shakes my body almost violently. It’s loud and inevitable, and I can’t do anything but let it happen, as much as I try to steel myself against it, to hold it back.
What was so awful about a guy who thought the world of me, that I had to go and ruin everything? I couldn’t just say yes to what we both wanted, because I really thought so much of myself, that I had the ability to deceive everyone around me. If only I’d been simply able to trust his perspective.
The dentist offers an awkward little pat on my shoulder and a tissue box, and gives me a few moments to collect myself, before sending me off with a new toothbrush and floss samples.
17
Every minute that passes before the tradeshow, the more I feel like volunteering was a mistake. I keep feeling like I don't know why I'm doing this, even though I know I just want to apologize to Vlad in person. I can’t think of a good way to duck out and run home that wouldn't leave me flinching in anxiety. Kathy has probably already told Vlad I'd show up. I’m sure half of the impetus for volunteering is just the weird leftover feelings from the company trip that's left me feeling off. I've been feeling weird since the middle of the trip, honestly. I havealwayspreferred privacy and solitude.
At least, before Vlad, I thought I did.
Now I can't bear the thought of just going back to my empty apartment to wait for my heart to sew itself back together, sitting around in the quiet, restlessly flipping through channels and different apps, unable to concentrate on anything for more than a couple minutes but being unable to sit with just my thoughts as well.
Lily makes eye contact with me in the hotel lobby, which ends up being the thing that pulls me into the group. The carpool over to the tradeshow is quiet, with all of us mostly chewing our breakfast sandwiches. I’m glad, at least, that I squeezed in last and didn’t end up sitting next to Janice, but when we get out of the car, I end up walking beside her to the venue.
“Hi,” I try with a quick smile, but even that feels like a trespass.
She returns it weakly but offers nothing more.
“What’s the company policy on getting reimbursed for tipping?” Kathy calls out, glancing at the rest of us as our ride departs, and she’s tucking the receipt away in her purse.
“I don’t think tips are part of what gets reimbursed.”
“Oh, that’s going in the complaint box.”
Lily’s brow wrinkles just the slightest bit. “You thought we had a complaint box? That's just for me.”
Janice looks unamused as she finishes her breakfast. “Don’t listen to her. She doesn’t have as much power as she wants you to think.”
“Shut up, I’m extremely powerful. I have spies and shit.”
Janice rolls her eyes, and they land on me. It takes me a moment to realize she did that for my benefit. Maybe I’m supposed to gently tease Lily too, but the moment slips by as I don’t know either of them well enough for that.
“Is it still weird?” Janice asks, glancing sidelong at me. The emotion passing through me feels like snagging a cashmere sweater on a hook and watching as it unravels. Lily eyes the pair of us like she’s watching an opera, but doesn’t comment.
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t know, I guess I’m always going to be a little awkward around you,” she admits a little sheepishly, and that snagged feeling of dread tangles in my stomach. “...You did have to handle my file for Monster Resources.”
I blink. “You have a very small file. Nothing compared to this one,” I say, tilting my head at Kathy, who preens like I gave her an award.
“Yeah, get over yourself! Do some real damage,” Kathy adds, unnecessarily.
“Not all of us can be personality hires,” Janice returns in a scoff, but there’s no real malice in it. I’m not sure if she means it as a compliment or not. Kathy takes it as one regardless.
“It’s just not a side of myself I would ever normally bring to work,” Janice huffs, rolling her eyes at Kathy. She hesitantly meets my eyes again. “You haven’t seen the elevator footage, have you?”
“I’ve seen enough of it,” I admit after a few moments. I don’t feel like that was the right answer when her brows draw closer in a pinch. “But um, you’ve read the handbook, right? The Company will respect the rights of all employed monsters’ physiological strangeness—”
“I know, I know. It’s just. It’s weird. You don’t really want all your coworkers to have seen your tits. I mean, I dunno, maybe Kathy does.”
“I’m not a mammal,” Kathy interjects, but Lily, ever a sweetheart, distracts her from elaborating about her avian physiology by picking up some pamphlets on the way into the building.
“I mean. It doesn’t have to be weird. I don’t have to be weird about it. You can if you want though,” I say and realize I’m rambling in an attempt to outmaneuver my own awkwardness.
Janice, however, nods fervently, “I’m not gonna be weird about it if you aren’t.”
Some small weight lifts off my chest at that, and some part of me loosens my grip on the words that Deanna sliced me open with a week ago, and how the Cult of Productivity lady made me feel. I’m not about to forget them, but maybe things aren’t as dire as I’d been anticipating.
