“Let me?” I laughed, incredulous, to mask the squeeze of acid tears in my eyes.
Lullaby leveled a warning glance at me, a glance I recognized—it was the look she always wore when she knew I was about to do or say something I might regret. Silently, she begged me to consider my next words.
I bit my tongue. My bones ached and my head swirled muzzy with pain potion and my heart throbbed hot with all the things I wanted but might never have. All the things I once thought I deserved but never thought to earn. I teetered on the edge of something big—something greater than myself, something greater than my mundane desires or fickle wants. A great, grand, monstrous parade of legend and tradition and blood and power stretching behind me a thousand tides.
Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t stop now.
And I didn’t want to.
I opened my eyes and set my jaw.
“I know I went too far in the last Ordeal,” I said slowly. “And I apologize if I’ve caused any of you undue pain or worry. The fact is, I owe you all so much, not least in these past few spans. You guided me toward the light when all I wanted was to drown in darkness.” I squeezed Dowser’s palm. His eyes gleamed. “You challenged me to face my mistakes, admit my failings, and then try harder—be better.” Lullaby’s gaze shifted toward what I hoped was pride. “You offered me friendship I hadn’t earned and didn’t always want.” Oleander’s mouth twitched toward a smile. “You—”
But I couldn’t say the words.You taught me that even a monster could be loved.Sunder’s shoulders hardened to the metal of his eyes. I didn’t dare look at him.
“I value each of you more than I can say, and I wish for your support in all I do,” I continued carefully. “But this is no longer a group effort. I chose this path. These Ordeals belong to me—were meant for me—in a way that nothing else in this palais has ever been. If I were to forfeit the throne to Gavin now, after winning the second Ordeal—I would be giving a piece of myself away. The piece of me that knows this is where I belong. Not because of the accident of my birth, or the secret of my blood—but because I’m willing to fight for it. Iwantto fight for it. I used to think I deserved this. Now I want to earn it.”
Dowser laughed, although his eyes were impossibly sad. “I should have expected nothing less from the true Sun Heir.”
Lullaby sank onto the other side of the bed, a little stiff. Her palm in mine was slight and cool. “I know better than to talk you out of anything. I’ll see this through with you, until the end.”
“No,” groaned Sunder from the shadow of the doorway. Oleander tightened her grip on his arm, like she was trying to hold him back. Or just hold him together. “No! This is insane.”
I looked up. Our gazes collided, and I saw something crumble in his eyes. That icy, endless wall of endurance came crashing down, and with it, every promise he’d ever made himself, every wish he’d never dared to hope might come true.
“I can’t do this,” he said abruptly. “If you’re set on going through with the third Ordeal, I won’t stop you. But I won’t stay to watch you destroy yourself. I can’t.” He passed a hand over his eyes. “Say you’ll forfeit, Mirage. Forfeit, or I’ll be gone by Matin. And every single Belsyre soldat goes with me.”
A chill kissed my spine, but it only made my back more rigid.
“Lord Sunder,” I spat. “Are you giving me an ultimatum?”
“Yes, demoiselle,” he whispered. “For I would rather look away from your light than watch you die in darkness.”
The air between us snapped with sharp fangs of tension. Beside me, Lullaby cringed.
“Then go.” My voice sounded careless. My stomach cramped in knots. “Rest easy—once I am empress, both you and your wolves will be remunerated handsomely for your loyalty.”
His face shattered in the moment before he stalked from the room.
For the space of a breath, I saw Oleander hesitate. Her usually smooth gaze rasped like uncut marble on mine. The unspoken question in her eyes took me by surprise.
“You do me honor,” I whispered. “But no. Go with him. He needs you more than I do.”
She shot me a brief, grateful look before sweeping from the room after her twin. I waited until the door clicked behind her before turning and burying my head against Lullaby’s shoulder. She stiffened, then relaxed, smoothing my hair from my face and beginning to hum a strange, sweet tune. Dowser’s large strong hand drew patterns between my shoulderblades. And as the haze of pain potion and Lullaby’s song blurred away my tears, I sent a wish flinging away into the dim:
I wished that in the end, this was all worth it.
Because it was too late now to give up.
It must have been well past Nocturne when I woke up, surfacing with a groan from the twilight blur of pain potion. Every inch of me hurt, but the trail of diamond splinters embedded in my skin from ear to collarbone hurt the worst. I put a ginger hand to the shards—my fingers came away bloody. I pushed myself up against the headboard, lifting sweat-damp hair off my neck and looking around.
Both Dowser and Lullaby had stayed—Dowser was sprawled sleeping in a too-small armchair, and Lullaby curled at the foot of the bed, her deep breaths even. My heart throbbed—for all it made me glad to see them, they also reminded me of all the people I’d lost. Sunder, Oleander. Luca.Thibo.
How long until I was as alone as Severine had been?
My gaze found my sister’s diary, lying faceup and open near the edge of the bed. Dowser or Lullaby must have been reading it while I slept. Something dull and riotous shoved sludge through my veins, and before I knew it I was crawling out of bed, sliding the journal into my palm, and creeping silent toward the door. Lullaby stirred, but didn’t wake.
I slid out into Belsyre’s chilly halls. I looked for Calvet and Karine standing sentinel by my door, before remembering they were gone. Of course they were gone. Sunder had left. Notes of anger and sorrow and guilt struck a grating chord in my chest. My nerves jangled. I limped through the palais in the Nocturne hush.
