“My mom and I aren’t very close anymore.” In the calm silence, my mind wanders. “Not like we used to be.”
“Why not?” she murmurs.
I swallow a sigh. The truth is, I’ve been thinking about this ever since Liv resurfaced it at theJimmy Kimmeltaping. “Junior year of college, my mom was supposed to help me move out of my dorm. We were going to turn the drive back to Virginia into a road trip. I was looking forward to it because it had been a while since she and I had spent time together. But she showed up with this guy named Bruce, and the next thing I knew, she’s telling me she and Bruce are in love and she’s so excited for me to spend the summer getting to know him.” I scoff, a healthy dose of my past outrage still alive and kicking. “I hadn’t even known she was dating anyone.”
Hannah’s sound of protest is suspiciously close to a yawn.
My eyes shift to the open window above Ginny’s bed, glowing with pinkish, near-dusk light. “I was angry. Or hurt, I guess. I had this ridiculous feeling that my mom was betraying my dad. I knew it was stupid. My dad is obviously never coming back, and my mom doesn’t deserve to be alone. But knowing something doesn’t always change the way you feel about it.” I blow out a breath. “I didn’t handle it well. I freaked out and refused to drive back to Virginia with them. Then I spent the summer hiding out at Liv’s house. My mom and I have never had it out, but nothing’s been the same since. We don’t talk the way we used to. Every time we do, I can tell there’s this thing between us. The ghost of the family I can’t let go of, maybe.”
The next second, my stupidity hits me and I surge to my knees. “Shit—I’m sorry. That was insensitive.”
But Hannah’s fast asleep, curled on Ginny’s bed.
I stare at her for a moment. Hannah at peace is almost as fascinating as Hannah in motion. Then I tug up the comforter, settling it around her shoulders, and see myself out.
Chapter 26
Now
Stitched TikTok video by user @willabeautyhacks uploaded under trending hashtag #FutureSaints, 556K likes
Footage plays of Hannah Cortland, front woman of the Future Saints, sitting to the left of host Jimmy Kimmel onJimmy Kimmel Live!.The camera’s zoomed in on Cortland so she fills the frame. She wears a tight black dress and shifts in her seat. The look on her face is searing.
Cortland:I’m not trying to work through the pain, I’m trying to live inside it. Keep these feelings alive so she never fades.
She presses a hand to her heart.
Cortland:Honestly, if I thought the songs were helping me get over her, I’d stop making them.
The video cuts to a young woman in a dark bedroom lit by fairy lights strung above her. She sits on her bed wearing a black sweatshirt with the hood up. Tears roll down her cheeks. She speaks into the camera.
@willabeautyhacks:I don’t talk about this a lot—I know youguys are mostly here for my makeup tutorials. But two years
ago, I lost my mom to cancer. And I’ve never heard anyone describe how it feels better than Hannah Cortland. I’ve been crying since I watched this interview. When you lose someone, everyone expects you to want to heal and get better. But what I really want is to burn down the world until someone gives my mom back. It feels taboo to admit, because I know a lot of people are going to be in my comments saying, “Willa, you’re in denial, in the five stages of grief, and when you finally heal, you’ll accept your mom is gone and there’s nothing you can do,” but just . . . no.
The woman sniffles and rubs her nose.
@willabeautyhacks:Not everyone wants to heal. I’m scared that the moment I—
She makes air quotes.
@willabeautyhacks:“heal,” that’s the moment my mom really dies. Because it’s the moment I stop fighting for her. Do any of you remember that Robin Williams movieWhat Dreams May Come, where his wife dies and he journeys through heaven and hell to get her back? I would give anything for that to be real. My mom deserves it.
This interview made me feel connected to Hannah, and I was thinking today about how strange it is to feel like you know a stranger because of their art or what they post online. I guess that happens a lot nowadays. It’s, like, you can feel close and far away at the same time, and it’s weirdly similar to what it feels like to lose someone. Like with my mom, I have all these memories of her, and pictures and videos. She literally shaped me. You don’t get closer than that. But I can’t see her or touch her or talk to her. She couldn’t be farther away.
Tears roll down the woman’s cheeks; she squeezes her eyes shut.
@willabeautyhacks:She’s a ghost now. Or maybe my love is the ghost.
She opens her eyes and pulls back her hood to reveal blond hair that nearly glows in the dark.
@willabeautyhacks:A couple days ago I dyed my hair to match Hannah’s. I mixed my own color blend, but for anyone who’s curious, the closest dupe is probably Garnier Nutrisse Extra Light Buttery Blonde. I’ve never been a fangirl before, but Hannah speaks to me. It feels pure, this relationship we have.
She laughs.
@willabeautyhacks:This one-sided relationship where she doesn’t know I exist, and I’m out here watching her and crying over the things she says. Maybe I’m her ghost.
Sorry for rambling. I’m going to try not to be so emo in my next video. But if you’re out there watching and you’ve lost someone and you need to talk, you can always message me.
