My eyebrows shot up. “You’re going to quit? What happened to ‘Grover Mane is the best way to get good bills passed until we can turn Texas blue’?”
Ben’s pace quickened, his long legs taking impossible strides. “There are some things you don’t do, and Grover just did one of them. Turns out he’s not a man I can respectfully disagree with, because he’s no longer a man I can respect. I’ll find another way to turn Texas blue.”
Whoa. Ben’s eyes were steely. He was in full-blown mock-trial, take-no-prisoners mode. Desire surged through me, lighting my body on fire. Yes, I was a simple creature. I would not apologize.
“I didn’t come out here to talk about the press conference, or anything related to work. Except maybe to say thanks for having my back in there.” I took a beat. “As usual.”
He nodded curtly. “You were making good points. No need to thank me.”
“Well...”Christ, this was hard. We finally arrived at Ben’s Prius, and he stopped awkwardly, his hand on the driver’s door. This was one of those times I could really use the comforting weight of my flask in my pocket, but, since I’d temporarily broken up with alcohol, I’d have to charge forward solo.
“Look,” I burst out. “I’m trying. I’m absolutely stumbling through it, but I’m trying to make the right, mature choices, not the easy ones.”
“Good...for you?”
“The last time we talked, I was feeling a lot of anger at you, and shock over Dakota’s plan for the bill. Honestly, I felt hopeless and like things were spinning out of control. I thought it didn’t matter how we felt about each other, because in the end, it wouldn’t stop us from hurting each other. Judging by history,” I added.
Ben looked uncomfortably at his feet. “Why are you telling me this? And before you answer, please consider it’s not a whole lot of fun being trapped on the Lee Stone emotional roller coaster. I’d really prefer to get off, if given the choice.”
Oh,thathurt. But maybe Ben didn’t understand what I was saying.
“I talked to Annie,” I said, forging on. “She made me realize something I think my mom was trying to tell me a while ago. It’s not that I think what you and I have isn’t enough. On some level, I’m convincedI’mnot enough. Deep down, I don’t trust I’m worth sticking around for. And I don’t trust myself to be okay if things go wrong between us. That’s why, when you wanted to give us a chance, it felt like a safer choice to just not start at all. I know that’s kind of pathetic, but I’m working on it.”
There. Now he had the raw, unvarnished truth.
Ben finally looked me in the eyes. “I’m glad you’re thinking through this, Stoner.” A ghost of a smile passed over his lips. “Glad you’re figuring your shit out.”
There was something in his voice—some sadness, some note of resignation—that had my pulse fluttering, my brain saying,No, wait.
“Don’t you see?” I wanted to touch Ben, but something told me not to, so I pressed my fingers into my thighs so hard it would surely leave a bruise. “I took all my sadness and made it into a sword to protect myself, and now the sword’s stuck in my back. It’s me with the problems, not us.”
Ben’s blue eyes tracked down the street before he turned them back on me. I recognized a stall tactic when I saw one, and my throat clenched up.
“I’m glad for you,” he said gently. “But while you’ve been going around hurting yourself and learning better, you’ve been hurting me, too. And you don’t get unlimited passes to do that, no matter how I feel about you.”
The truth of what he was saying hit me: I was figuring out my shit, and good for me, but Ben was the man I was learning on. He had been five years ago, and he was again now. The man I’d used as a punching bag, getting out my growing pains, making the mistakes that would turn me into a better human on the other side. That wasn’t fair to him. He deserved someone who was already whole.
“Okay,” I whispered, the sound soft against the breaking of my heart, a near-debilitating pain I would keep inside, so as not to burden Ben. “That makes sense.” I blinked quickly. “It really does.”
“Are you okay?” He searched uncertainly down the street. “I don’t see your car. Do you want me to drive you to it?”
I shook my head. “The reporters figured out my license plate. Apparently, only one person in Austin drives a Lise Model XX with the license plate COMBOSS. In retrospect, probably not my best idea. So I scootered here. I’ll be fine.”
“Ah.” Ben looked down at his hands. “Well, I’ll see you at the presser, I guess.”
“You won’t resign before then?”
“Either way. I’ll be there.”
With that, he sank into his car, shut the door and drove away. I watched his car get smaller down the long road, until he hit a turn and disappeared.
My hands were shaking, but I pressed them firmly together. Dakota was handing herself over to the wolves, and Ben was tired of waiting for me, but you know what? Fair. Their choices. It hurt like holy hell, but it was out of my control. And it wouldn’t stop me. I would continue to get my house in order. I would continue to learn to love and trust myself. I would honor my commitments, right my wrongs, and I would never,evergive up.
27
Some Guys
“This is Trisha Smith with CBS 12, and we’re live at the Austin City Run against Cancer half-marathon, in hour eight of one woman’s harrowing journey to the finish line. Marathon organizers tell me she’s already set a record for the longest time it’s ever taken a runner to finish in the race’s thirty-six-year history, and they’ve actually delayed shutting down to see whether or not she can make it. As more and more viewers tune in via cable and livestream, it’s safe to say the saga has officially gripped the city of Austin.
