I felt tears well in my eyes, hot and stinging, and I sprang from the table, mortified that Ben would see. I did my best to dash out of the room and down the hall while still maintaining an air of professionalism, in case anyone was watching. I just needed to get to my office, and then I could cry alone.
“Lee, wait.”
I glanced behind me. Oh, no. Ben was following me. Talking to him was the last thing I could handle right now.
I darted into my office and shut the door, flinging myself into my desk chair. A few seconds later, there was a knock. I could tell it was Ben because, unfortunately, the walls of my office were glass and we were staring at each other through them.
I pretended like I was busy on my computer, all while trying to take deep breaths to quell the urge to scream.
Ben knocked again. This time, Dakota’s executive assistant leaned over from her cubicle to peer at us.
Fine.Ben Laderman wanted to talk? I would talk. I shot from my chair, opened the door and beckoned to him, keeping my voice low. “Follow me.”
Ben gave me an amused look, but obeyed. I led him through the office, all the way to the pumping room, which sat in the farthest corner of the building. None of my colleagues had given birth recently, so staff had taken to using it for naps. It was windowless and private. Perfect.
Ben stepped inside and I locked the door behind us, swiveling to face him. “Okay.What?”
“What do you mean, what?” He gave me an incredulous look. “Our entire campaign just went up in flames. Don’t you want to talk about it?”
I leaned against the door and crossed my arms. “You heard Dakota. Her mind’s made up. At this point, I think it’s better if you and I accepted our fate and moved on to being two professionals with limited contact who happen to live in the same city. Like we originally planned.”
Ben’s eyes narrowed. “Bullshit. You’re still mad at me for not telling you about Dakota and the governor.Understandablymad,” he added, when I started to protest. “But Jesus Christ, Lee. I found out about their affair a week before you did. I honestly thought they were going to end it, and it would all go away. No harm, no foul.”
“How ironic. Given the fact that you’ve been upset about being cheated on for five whole years.”
He lowered his voice, neatly sidestepping my dig. “Dakota’s married. That’s next-level. If people started gossiping about her having an affair, it could really hurt her. I didn’t want to be responsible for putting that secret out in the world. I wanted it to go away.”
I threw my hands out. “That’s exactly why you should havetoldme. I’m her comms director. It’s my job to minimize damage. Which means I need toknowthe damage! Besides, let’s be honest here. First, I find out you were considering Slittery’s request to negotiate a deal without me. Then I find out you knew about the affair and didn’t tell me. You were keeping all sorts of things to yourself. You used to be the most competitive person I’ve ever met. Iknowthat Ben is still inside you, no matter how Zen you pretend to be. Admit it—you liked the advantages because you wanted to win. Ben vs. the world.”
“Yes, okay?” The words burst out of him. “Yes, I wanted to win. I wanted to pass the bill so bad that maybe I made the wrong decisions. And maybe Ididwant to be the one who got it over the finish line.”
I crossed my arms. “So much for being a team. That’s what you said, right?”
“Okay, I get it. I fucked up. Old habits die hard. But are my sins really worth cutting ties with me?” Ben took a step toward me, and it became hard to look away from his eyes. “Or are you doing that thing where you push people you care about away when you realize they’re capable of hurting you? Remember, with your dad? And then with me, when you thought I was cheating?”
That struck a chord. Anger flashed to life. “People Icareabout? How many times do I have to remind you we agreed to no feelings?”
He studied me, jaw tightening. “So, it’s true? You really don’t care?”
“I—It was—Look, we made a deal. For this exact reason, so when things inevitably went south, we could walk away without our hearts broken like the last time.”
“You know what? I survived heartbreak. I found ways to manage. But without you, I was only ever surface happy.”
I shook my head. “Surface happy isn’t so bad. Let’s go back to the way things were. In fact, why don’t you go get Sarah back? At least she could help us with McBuck.”
Yes, I twisted the knife. We were crossing into dangerous territory: too intimate, too risky. All my instincts were screaming at me to create a diversion and flee.
“Stopit.” Ben’s eyes were wide. “You’re doing the same thing you did when we broke up.” Emotion swept his face, and he turned so I couldn’t read it. “I’m telling you, I can’t take it again. All these months, I’ve followed you around Texas dressed like a medieval lord and a cowboy and Captain Planet. Anything, just because you asked me to.”
He took a deep breath and turned back to me. And I wished he hadn’t, so I didn’t have to see the hope in his eyes. “I’ve lain awake and thought about you every night. I’ve taken every chance to spend any bit of time I could get—with you, your friends, your family. I’ve been trying to get closer and closer, don’t you see? Don’t push me away when we finally have a chance.”
“Ben—”
“Before you say it—fuck no feelings. Lee, I’m in love with you. You know I am. Every moment over the campaign, I’ve been falling back in love with you. And it’s been so fast and so easy it’s obvious I’ve been in love with you this whole fucking time. I swore to myself we’d be nothing more than colleagues. Then just friends. I told myself I was pathetic for considering this again, because you cheated and broke my heart. And maybe I am pathetic. But you know what? I don’t care. The only thing I can’t take is you doing the same thing you did to me before. Please don’t push me away. I need you to have grown up at least a little.”
There it was, Ben’s line in the sand. A decision for me to make.
Iwantedto make the decision that felt good, here in the moment. But he was right about growing up.
