The top of the stone was layered with grime. I tugged my sleeve over my hand and rubbed it away, then sat back down cross-legged.
“There. Good as new.”
It was very late, and I had the place to myself. Surrounding my dad were other members of his family, all of them together in the family plot.
He and I sat in silence. He was waiting for me to gather my courage, which was hard. I almost couldn’t speak past the lump in my throat, but finally, I got it out. “Dad. I miss you.”
There was no response. Not even the wind stirring. I laid my head against the gravestone, cheek pressed to the cold.
“You fucked up. I really was so betrayed by you. But I’m not perfect, either. That’s what I came to say. I’m not perfect, and neither were you, and we’re only human. So I forgive you. Do you forgive me?”
Again, the night stretched, quiet without interruption.
“I really would give anything for you to talk back,” I whispered.
We sat like that for a long time, until the cold night bit at me and I couldn’t feel my hands. I rubbed my cheek against the stone and smiled. “All right, Dad. I’m going home. But don’t worry. Like I said, I’m just around the corner.”
I pressed my fingers to his name. “Forever and a day, okay? That can be ours from now on.”
23
For the Best
The problem with catching your boss having an affair with a high-ranking politician is you still have to show up when she calls a meeting. Ben and I sat awkwardly across from each other in the Lise conference room. Just the two of us, waiting on Dakota and Wendy. We were looking at our phones, at the glossy finish on the table, at the white of the walls. Anything but each other.
When I came home from the cemetery last weekend, my house was empty. I’d crawled gratefully into bed and slept for a record fourteen hours, waking up in the late afternoon to a place in dire need of deep cleaning. Most of the details of the night before were hazy, which I assumed was a blessing. But I remembered all the parts with Ben.
I’d done far crazier things at a house party than put aside my differences to play quarters with an ex. But what we’d said that night, after everyone else left—hell, even the fact that I’d texted Ben seven times, all variations onHelp me Captain Planet, I’m trapped in a beautiful prison with dancing smiley faces, please rescue me, oh never mind, it’s my house, come anyway, and omg Willie Nelson is in my bedroom braiding people’s hair you better come I’m not lying, and he’d actually shown up—was enough to make my cheeks burn every time my eyes slipped and I caught a glimpse of him.
The silence was searing. I found myself wishing Dakota would walk through the door. And then,no—immediately, I clawed that wish back. She and I hadn’t seen each other since the Governor’s Ball, and so however awkward things were between Ben and me, they’d be ten times worse with Dakota. Even Wendy, who liked to pretend Lise employees were work robots and things like interpersonal dynamics didn’t exist, had noticed things between Dakota and me were strained. She’d stopped by my office to ask me what the deal was.
I’d sworn it was nothing, but she hadn’t believed me. I could feel her suspicious eyes trailing every move I made all week. Besides being unnerving, it was a pain. I’d had to take one-hour-long lunch breaks, and not a minute more. Thank God the office was closed next week for the holidays.
“Shit,” Ben muttered to his phone. Then he looked up at me in surprise, as if alarmed at himself for breaking the sacrosanct rule of no talking.
I put down my phone. “What is it?”
He tugged at his tie and cleared his throat. “Nothing with the bill or anything.”
I sat up straighter and crossed my legs. “Seriously. What is it?”
He gave me a guilty look. “It’s Sarah.”
I surprised myself with how quickly the thought crossed my mind:Is Ben back with Sarah now that we didn’t work out?I flinched at the needy undertone of my own internal monologue. I’d told Ben I was done with him, after all.
It wasn’t the easy choice, or the one that felt good. If I chose to do whatfeltgood, I’d throw my phone at Ben’s head, yelling at him for betraying me. I’d storm off, refuse to work with him, or else I’d tell him to get on his hands and knees and grovel. Or I’d climb across the conference table and kiss him until he couldn’t think straight, until he promised to never hurt me again. These were just the first things that came to mind; it wasn’t like I’d given it much thought.
But, in the days since my house party, which now felt like some last hurrah, some final, bookend chapter—in the days of solitude sitting alone in my house, without Alexis, or my friends, without even a glass of wine—I’d decided I wouldn’t keep choosing the thing that felt good and easy. I would try making therightchoices. I would, literally and figuratively, get my house in order.
So what Ben Laderman did with his romantic life was officially none of my business.
“I told her a while ago that I could do something important for her,” he explained quickly. “But it turns out it’s the weekend Will’s coming in town. It’s my only chance to see him. I’m going to have to tell her no.”
Curiosity got the best of me. “What is it?”
“She does the Run against Cancer half-marathon every year to raise money for breast cancer research.” He paused. “Her mom died of it when she was young. She has to go out of town for work, and I was going to fill in for her so she could still raise money.”
Her mom.Immediately, my heart was in my throat. “I’ll do it.”
